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What To Expect When You Get Divorced

29 Aug

Divorce is one of the most strenuous, unpredictable, and difficult times that any person will face in their lifetime. Some research suggests that the only life experience more harrowing than divorce is the death of a child. Splitting up a marriage is not just a simple separation of two people. It affects the people who decided that they could not live together anymore, their families, friends, and sometimes their jobs. Divorce represents a loss of assets, the deferral of unaccomplished aspirations, and the finalization of an unfilled future. And, no one prepares you for all the loss that you will face. Here is what you should expect when you get divorced.


1. Loneliness

When you get divorced, you are going to feel lonely regardless of how terrible of a person your ex was to you. Even if you left an abusive relationship, the realization of being alone can be traumatic. The person that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with is gone, and your bed is empty. You will miss the meaningless chatter. You will miss having a confidante. You will even miss all the things about your ex that annoyed you like their constant snoring or the loud way that they crunched potato chips while watching reality television. When there is a permanent change to your daily routine, specifically when you lose the person that you are closest to, the first emotion that you will feel is loss. The relationship that you envisioned is in shambles. Your shared goals for your children, for your home, and for your relationship are lost. Your friend groups will split, because no one wants to offend anybody by inviting you and your ex. And, in most cases of divorce, your finances will be ruined. Divorce leaves people feeling abandoned.

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2. Rebounds

So many people believe that sleeping with another person is the only way to get past a breakup, but nothing good comes from rebound sex despite what most people think. If you are far enough detached from your previous relationship physically and emotionally to sleep with someone else, then get your freak on with your sexy new partner. Having a healthy relationship with another human being after a big breakup is a sign that you have moved on from your previous liaison, but a quick dalliance in the bedroom with a relative stranger is neither healthy for you nor a good start for a new relationship. It can have terrible repercussions for your physical and mental health. Rebound sex can be counterproductive for the partner who is fresh out of a breakup and hurtful for the other party. Wait until you are emotionally ready for sex to have sex after a divorce.


3. Reconciliation

No one vows to live with another person for a lifetime without genuine love and care for them. And, everyone tries to get back together with their ex after a big breakup, whether it be for the children, for the familiar sex, or for the shared emotional intimacy. However, getting back with the ex is usually a bad idea. You broke with you former partner for a good reason. Infidelity ruins trust, a lack of communication can destroy any partnership, and sometimes relationships just run their course. And, all of those rational postulates for a split exclude one of the simplest and most common reasons that couples part, financial stress. If someone is in your past leave them there. Reconciling makes it harder to move past the person that hurt you.


4. Overwhelmed

People underestimate how difficult divorces can be until they actually face the process themselves. The person that you cherished often reneges on all the promises that they made in an attempt to hurt you. The claims that mothers would never use their kids to hurt their exes is ignored. Talks of joint custody get pushed aside by parents to regain some level of power over their spouses. Men who said that they would always provide for their wife and child empty their bank accounts when they move out of the house. Essentially, both parties dig in and attack each other because they are hurt instead working together to split amicably. And, that has a desultory effect on their relationship going forward.

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5. Hurt By Your Kids

The first time that your children ditch you for an activity with your ex, it will feel like the ultimate betrayal even if you have been complaining about your ex doing more with them. Divorce often becomes a popularity contest between parents instead of a joint effort to raise healthy kids, and your ex will do anything to win the affections of your kids. They will plan fun trips with the kids on days that you were supposed to have them. Your ex will buy the fun video games and electronic devices that you said the kids do not need after you asked them not to buy them. They will do whatever is in their power to become the fun parent instead of the responsible one, thus making you the mean parent. Divorce becomes a race between two previously rational adults to impress their children.

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6. You Will Hurt Your Kids

Kids always get the worst deal in a divorce. Either one of their parents is leaving home and ultimately leaving them behind, or the kids themselves have to vacate the place where they grew up and move into a strange place with the other parent. There is no a good explanation of why their parents are splitting. In fact, there is usually a lot of secrecy around the reason for the divorce. So, the children are left to their own machinations about why their world is now different. Their parents argue and say hurtful things to each other and to them. Sometimes, the parents cry in front of them as they curse their ex. And, the children have to process all this while wondering if the divorce is their fault.

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7. Jealousy

Your ex is eventually going to date. And, his or her paramour may look better than you. They may be more financially secure. They may be everything that you were not in your relationship. Or, they could be so  far below the standard that you set that you have to question what your ex saw in you. But, you will be jealous of whomever they date for a while. Seeing someone else date the person that you vowed to love forever will be difficult to deal with as a person.

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