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How to Get Laid

20 Sep

1. Be a Dick

The pun here is fully intended. In order to use your penis, you sometimes have to be a dick. This does not mean that you should act like a  total douche bag to every woman that you meet in order to get in her panties. That would be completely counterproductive. But strangely enough, women like a little bit of a challenge so a little aloofness and sarcasm works wonders with the ladies. Ironically, the guys that really do not care if a woman is interested in them get the most action from women.

2. Be Quiet

Men tend to talk about themselves incessantly in their first encounters with attractive women, which is problematic because women really only want to talk about themselves when they meet a guy that they like. That is how they “connect” with men, by talking about themselves. So, be quiet. Women will love that you listen to them. After all, you are nothing like Roger, her ex-boyfriend, who only talked about his job and only wanted her for her body. In fact, you are unlike all the rest of the men in the world, you sly dog. Keep your mouth closed and she will assume that you are stoic and mysterious. Mystery is intriguing.

3. Be Humble

Somewhere in between breaths, this woman is going to ask you something about you. This sounds like an invitation for you to tell her about all of your greatest achievements in life including the time that you ran for a winning touchdown with your third grade football team, however, she is just being polite. This is also not the time to regale her with stories about the time you unjammed the copy machine at work like good ole’ Roger. This is when you say something cryptic about loving to spend time with your family when you are not with friends. It makes you sound wholesome, and Doggystyle Debbie has to feel good about you as a person in order to sleep with you on the first date. Leave all your real accomplishments and your salary out of the conversation because you may sound boastful by mentioning how much you earn. Redirect the conversation back to her. You are such a good listener.

4. Wait for the Magic

If you have listened intently, and given her a few related comments for extra points, then there will be a moment when she is ready for the first kiss. When the train of words finally stop pouring from her mouth and she looks into your eyes intently, go for the kiss. Do not wait for her to kiss you, because a lot of women will not make the first move. Do not mouth rape her, it is a death sentence for sexual activities. Give her a soft, passionate kiss on the lips and wait for the magic to happen. If she likes you, then she will reciprocate. Ignore the compulsion to drop your pants here, keep kissing her, and up the ante with a little light petting.

5. Be a Master Swordsman

Okay, so you have finally convinced her to do the “no-pants” dance with you. You have to impress her if you ever want to get laid again. Do you know what the G-spot is? If you do not, then Google it. It does exist, and it is your friend during foreplay. If you do not know what foreplay is then kill yourself. Foreplay is the most important part of any sexual encounter with a woman. She has to be kissed, touched, and caressed before Mr. Happy makes his first appearance.

These are the 5 simple steps for finding your way into a nice young lady’s naughty parts. Follow them closely, and you might just end up with your first walk of shame the next morning. Ignore them, and you will have to spend another night with your mom’s Victoria Secret catalog, a bottle of lotion, and your dominant hand.

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