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Why Men Are Stupid

27 Sep

In many areas of life men have the advantage, but we continually screw it up because we are stupid.  Here are a few reasons why:


1. We are addicted to breasts- All people love breasts, but men love them so much it reaches the point of insanity.  A recent European study determined that the 1st thing men look at when they see a woman is her breasts, and that men stare at the chest more than any other female body part.  Now that the obvious is out of the way, that doesn’t excuse us from making women with large baby feeders famous.  Why has anyone heard of Jessica Simpson or Pamela Anderson?  Neither one is even average at their chosen profession.  Katy Perry would still be Katy Hudson, an unknown gospel singer, if she didn’t decide to introduce America to her large cup size.  More locally, think of all the times you’ve seen a woman with large breasts get something free.  Men will do anything and everything for a woman with large boobs, we can’t help it … and this is why men are stupid. (By the way, breasts are basically apocrine glands {glands that secrete fluid outside the body, like sweat glands} highly composed of adipose tissue.  Translation: they’re just fat that spits out milk!)  Men are stupid because we worship fat.


there’s only one (err, two) reasons we even know who you are Jess


2. We are addicted to sex- As much as men love breasts, we love sex exponentially more.  What man hasn’t lied, cheated, or stolen for good sex (or any sex for that matter)?  That being said, there are countless guys in relationships right now solely because the sex is good, for the regularity of the sex that comes from being in a relationship, or for the anticipation of the first sexual encounter with a particular woman.  Not to slam Jessica Simpson again, but the only reason Nick Lachey was with her so long was because he had to wait until after marriage, allegedly, to sleep with her.  If he had been able to score with her early on, he never would have wed this chick.  I acknowledge that this is horrible, as scores of innocent women are being victimized by selfish men, but men can’t help it because we are stupid when it comes to sex.  I advise women to wait as long as possible to have sex with a guy.  The longer the wait, the more likely his true intentions would come to light, or he’d just get tired of waiting and move on if his heart wasn’t in the right place.  It’s very important for women to be smart about sex, because when it pertains to this topic, men are stupid.


3. We sire children from several different mothers- Out of wedlock births are now somewhat commonplace in America.  I’m not without faults, so I can see how two people can make a careless decision, but how does that situation happen to the same guy multiple times with multiple women?  It has been established that men will do almost anything for sex, but where does a drop of responsibility factor into the equation?  Children are not possessions, and dudes who make children with different women as often as they change their bed sheets are completely disillusioned.  Unless the woman is quite wealthy, she is going to struggle physically, emotionally, and financially to raise that child … no matter how awesome she is.  Hollywood stars paint a very poor picture of what most female-led single parent households will encounter.  Moreover, it’s long been established that kids from single parents have all the statistics going against them.  Here are some of the sobering numbers. Not to be all preachy, but having a bunch of kids if you can’t afford it is stupid, having a bunch of kids you don’t plan on raising is stupid, and having a bunch of kids from different mothers (especially if you can’t afford it and don’t plan on raising them) is very stupid .


Travis Henry actually has 9 children, not just 6


4. We buy women drinks- There is an innumerable number of my male peers who still believe that buying a woman a drink will get them a phone number, a blowjob in the men’s bathroom, a one night stand, a threesome, etc.  If the woman who is approached doesn’t think the guy is attractive, he’s not getting anywhere, free drink or not.  Nice women will express gratitude and *maybe* engage the poor fellow in conversation for a few minutes, but he’s got no shot of even getting to 1st base.  Women can be just as shallow as men, so a free drink isn’t going to turn the guy with a unibrow, nose hair, and the dirty t-shirt into Leo DiCaprio.  I hate to ruin the scheme because it works in my favor, but usually those “free” drinks that guys buy are taken over to the lady’s male friends who are at the other end of the bar getting drunk.  So to summarize, men are stupid because they unintentiontally buy drinks for other men.


5. We eat like kindergarteners- Have you ever seen Man vs. Food?  Men may not try to break records every day, but we generally make stupid food choices on a daily basis.  Hamburgers, pizza, spaghetti, and alcohol constitute the four food groups for a large percentage of males.  Ask a single man the last time they had a fruit and the most likely answers will be:

  • “I had a banana split.”
  • “There was a cherry in the last drink the bartender brought me .”
  • “There were pineapples on my pizza.”
  • “I had apple pie a la mode for dessert.”

The most common vegetables consumed are tomatoes, onions, and green peppers; usually as a consequence of ordering the ultimate nachos meal.  I get that not all men are good at cooking, but between the penchant for eating the same foods every day, eating mostly things that don’t require utensils, and counting cereal as dinner, males have the eating habits of a toddler.  Men are stupid because we don’t even try to eat nutritiously.



6. We think we’re invincible- At some point we’re all going to die, but never tell that to a man.  From birth until death we all have a sense of invincibility.  Watch any match of professional wrestling for proof.  Yes wrestling is fake, but falling off a 40 foot ladder onto a table is very real.  Further evidence can be seen from any NFL game or hockey match.  Men drive like a car colliding into another car or a steel beam can’t kill them … it’s completely idiotic (I won’t even get into driving motorcycles at almost 200 mph on the highway).  Lastly, men don’t go to the doctor.  Many severe diseases can be treated and managed effectively if there is early detection.  There is never such an opportunity with men; we’d rather die prematurely than get checked out regularly in order to live longer.  What part of that isn’t stupid?


7. We pretend like we don’t have emotions- Men are not supposed to cry.  That is the mantra passed down since the dawn of time.  We have to be tough, stoic, figures who shouldn’t express any feelings.  When did we all enlist in the military?  I understand the patriarchal necessity to teach confidence, strength, determination, and drive to the offspring, but we take it a bit too far.  Why should a computer programmer with a wife and two kids not show emotion?  When is the next time that he will be interrogated by a rogue terroristic camp?  It’s a recipe for disaster pairing an emotionless man with almost any woman.  I’m not saying that women are emotional, but they have a greater ability and need to express those feelings then men do.  If those needs are not satiated or requited by her man, she’s going to fulfill that somewhere else.  In many instances it’s by another man … one who is savvy (or savage) enough to lie, cheat, or steal for some good sex.


it is okay for these guys to not show emotion


8. We go to strip clubs- Going to a strip club is akin to getting tickets to Lord of the Rings at the movie theater, buying popcorn, nachos, and drinks, then walking out of the movie just as Frodo Baggins reaches the top of the mountain to get rid of the ring.  The whole scenario is asinine, just like spending money for someone to pretend that they like you!  Strippers only care about the money, they’re not going to call when the shift is over unless it involves money, and oh yeah, strippers only care about the money.  My idea of fun is not some woman getting me all aroused because I’m paying her, AND not finishing what she started.  None of this matter to men, because we are stupid.  Strip clubs are big business because men are addicted to breasts, and are idiots when it comes to sex.  Lastly, if any guy says he only goes to strip clubs for the food/happy hour or to just to hang out with his buddies, he’s a liar and he thinks that you’re stupid.


the true depiction of making it rain


9. Our lives revolve around competition- Mens love of sports, how much we drink, and how we dress all boil down to competition.  Guys famously, and often stupidly, play with injuries just to beat someone else and show they’re the toughest.  Getting in shape, having toned abs, and being able to bench a high number all boils down to competition.  If I have those qualities, I can get women better and/or faster than the next guy.  Driving a luxury vehicle or wearing expensive clothes is all done for the same reason.  Having the latest and greatest electronic gadget is also done pretty much for competition.  If I have that phone, television, computer, or whatever first, I’m better than the other guys, thus, I’m the alpha male.  Just writing about this makes me feel stupid, but this is what we do.


10. We listened to dumb ass Eve- Yes she ate the fruit first, but that doesn’t mean Adam had to follow her lead.  How cool would it have been to walk around all naked playing with wild animals all day?  Instead we have to set alarm clocks to ring before the sun even comes up.  Eve was dumb for listening to the serpent, but Adam was ungodly (sort of a pun) stupid for listening to her.  Something tells me my first two reasons for men being stupid are why he did what she suggested.


2 Responses to “Why Men Are Stupid”

  1. Anonymous January 8, 2014 at 11:41 PM #

    Seriously? Whomever wrote this should probably finish middle school before they decide to write articles online. This is the dumbest piece of s— I have ever read. Get a life.

    • AFM January 9, 2014 at 4:01 PM #

      Thank you anonymous guy who censors himself. Your opinion is both warranted and appreciated.

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