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How to Rob a Bank

28 Nov

* in no way endorses anyone’s decision to break the law. But, the men behind the website do enjoy finding imaginative hypothetical ways to make a big score, and envisioning the idiot who tried this being caught by the law. is in no way responsible for your death by hundreds of S.W.A.T. team bullets, your living but being crippled by said bullets, or your being continuously butt-raped in prison by Nazi Skinheads and gangsters.

Step 1: Plan

Your ability to walk around in the free world with law-abiding citizens is completely contingent on your ability to make and execute the perfect plan, so this step should take a while. You need to plan for at least 6 months to complete a robbery that should take two minutes or less. There are numerous details that you have to know before you attempt to steal money from any financial institution. First, you need to know how long it takes the police to arrive at the bank and on what day the bank has the most money available. Then, you have to know how good the security is in the bank. What is the signal for their distress code? How many armed guards work there everyday? At what time is the vault open? Planning insures that you do not get caught because of a stupid mistake. How many people do you need to suppress the entire bank? Where are the security cameras? These are all questions that you need to know before considering robbing a bank. You should probably buy guns too. There are quite a few geniuses that are now in prison because they used their own personal guns to rob a bank. Your gun has a serial number. The bullets have serial numbers. And, the bullets and guns can be linked to each other and to you by forensic evidence. You have to be indiscriminately meticulous about every step of the robbery in order to rob a bank. Tedious and strict attention to detail is the only way that you may keep your freedom.


Step 2: Hire a Team

You need mercenaries on your squad in case you get into a firefight with the local authorities. Do not convince some of your buddies who fell on hard times to rob a bank with you. Your buddies are idiots which is part of the reason that they fell on hard times right now. Enlist some friends that are former military and pay them. They have tactical training in combat and can fire a weapon effectively in a tight situation. If you planned properly for the heist then there should be no need for violence, but let’s be honest you are not that good at planning if you are reading this article. That is why you are here. Go to a meeting of your local NRA group to find new recruits. There is bound to be an alarming number of gun-toting, country yokels, a few well-armed closet racists, and at least two or three former Marines. Hint: Ignore Jethro and Hitler Jr. Go with the Marines. You also need an accomplice in the bank. Someone who knows the inner workings of the bank would be invaluable in both the planning stage and the actual robbery. They could save you valuable seconds in your entrance and exit strategy, and lead you to all the loot. Plus, they know the layout of the building and little secrets about security. An ally in the bank is completely necessary. It keeps you from needing an ally on the inside of a cell.


Step 3: Practice

Go over every step of the robbery until one of your henchmen contemplates shooting you. If he takes a shot at you, kill him, replace him, and start practicing again. All of your team’s movements should be second nature when you walk into the bank. No one should have to think about what their job is once the team is in the lobby. Thinking too much means that you will move slowly. Moving slowly means that you will be moving next to or under a guy named Bubba soon.

He probably got caught.

Step 4: Cover Yourself

Get good disguises for you and your team. Criminals are caught after successful robberies, because they did not wear masks on their faces and were recognized on hidden cameras by the law. Cover all tattoos, birthmarks, and anything that makes you or your partners in crime distinguishable. Wear gloves, masks, hats, colored contacts, glasses, and a fat suit. This is the only appropriate time in the history of people for anyone to use Black face. If you are white, then put on Black face. If you are black, then apply White face. The fewer the amount of details that the bank staff and the customers can recognize about you, the better. Wear nondescript clown shoes. Have you watched C.S.I.? The government can track you down by fingerprints, the tread of your shoe, hair follicles, and any number of ways that you would never think of. Paranoia is your best ally in this case. Try to make yourself look as different as possible. Dress in drag if you deem it necessary. If any member of your team goes down, then each member of your team’s safety is compromised. And, they will give you up to get leniency from the court. There is no honor among thieves, because prison butt-rape is a real problem.


Step 5: Steal a Car

Do not commit a crime in your own car. Dozens of criminals find themselves behind bars because they used their vehicle or a loved one’s to commit a crime. This is a lesson from Being A Criminal 101, but it bears repeating. Do not be the guy that robs a bank in his own vehicle. You will go to jail….and possibly become someone’s bitch.

This means that you took too long.

Step 6: Get in and Out

Something will go wrong in the robbery no matter how many times you practice it, so it is your job to get in and out of the bank as quickly as possible. Two to five minutes are usually the longest amount of time that it takes for the local police force to respond to a crime in a bank. In ten minutes, the S.W.A.T team will arrive and then you are all going to die. Get the money, ditch the car, get rid of your disguises in a place without cameras, and split up. Five guys carrying large bags looks suspicious. One guy with a backpack does not. Suspicious people go to “Don’t drop the soap” prison.


Step 7: Lay Low

Do not spend the stolen money. In the old days, people were caught after bank robberies because they went out and bought a new Cadillac….with cash. Today’s bank robber does not get caught with big purchases. They get caught because of a steady stream of smaller purchases. Money that is held in a bank is categorized by serial numbers and stamped with special ink. The government tracks these dollars through circulation across the nation. If some of the stolen dollars keep showing up in a certain area, then a red flag goes off and the police watch surveillance footage until they find you. Spending stolen bank money with today’s technology will earn you a trip to the big house.


Step 8: Choose

Either launder the money, which will cost you a percentage of it (and it may not be an option unless you hang in the right circles), or leave the country. The only way to enjoy that money is to find a way to get rid of it or live in foreign lands. If you choose to run to another country, then check the extradition laws of your desired country and schedule a flight months in advance of the stick-up.

Happy robbing and good luck. The Aryan Nation, the Crips and Bloods, the Vatos, and their meat shanks are waiting on you.

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