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Things a Man Should Know

8 Nov

Being a man is a special honor. You will earn more than women during your adult life, because you get better pay for doing the same job that a woman does, you are considered to get better as you get older like a fine wine, and if you study hard and keep a clean record, or have a father that was a former president, then you can become President of the United States. It sounds like a pretty good deal, right? It is pretty nice being a man, however there are a few things that every man should know how to do by the time they reach the age of 25 if they want a relatively easy life.

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1. How to throw a football/baseball - Put your fingers on the seams (with a baseball only your thumb, pointing finger, and middle finger should touch the ball), bring the ball up, slightly behind your ear, and move it quickly toward your intended target. Release the ball when your arm is fully extended. There are many occasions when someone will ask you to throw something to them or come play an impromptu game. As a guy, your manhood will be judged if your throw does not reach its destination.

2. How to tie a tie - There is no good reason for a grown man to have to ask his girlfriend, parents, or even worse, another man to tie his necktie for him. There are numerous ways to tie extravagant knots in your tie, but you should learn to tie a Half-Windsor knot at the least.

3. How to change a tire - Men that call AAA to change a tire for them should be offered to a firing squad. Socially, most men are raised to be prepared for life’s little nuances like an unexpected flat tire. In most cars, there is a standard produced tire iron that matches the bolts that hold the tire in place. Use it. There is also a doughnut tire that comes standard in most cars. Replace the flat tire with that and tighten the smaller replacement onto the car. This is not rocket science.

4. Have and know how to use jumper cables - On more than one occasion now, an adult male has asked if he could get a boost from my car. Once I agreed and handed him the cables, he admitted to not knowing how to adhere the cables to the car properly. This is unacceptable for a fully grown man. Men should always have a pair of jumper cables in their car. And the cables are usually color-coded with symbols. You hook the positive cable which is indicated by a plus sign to the positive terminal (plug) on the battery, and the negative cable to the negative terminal. Make sure that the two cables are not touching anything that conducts electricity (which includes you) and you are safe.

5. How to shot pool - This skill will probably never help you directly unless you need a little cash in college, but men should know how to play a game of 8- or 9-ball. Seriously, you do not have to be Minnesota Fats, the pool shark, but learn the basics.

6. How to read a map - The only positive thing that I received from 12 + years of history and social studies is how to read a map. If you want to drive across this great nation or go backpacking in Europe, then you need to know how to read a map. GPS does not work in every part of the world, and at times it seems just as confused as you are.

7. Have a toolbox and know how to use the tools - Every man needs to know how to tighten or loosen a bolt. Every man should know the difference between a flat head screwdriver and a Phillip’s head screwdriver (hint: the flat head screwdriver has a flat head). Every man should know how to use a power drill and a hand saw. There are no exceptions to these rules.

8. Have at least one girl-friendly anecdote - A man’s general sense of fun is different than a woman’s idea of it. Men like strip clubs women prefer antiquing. So, concurrently, a woman’s sense of humor differs from a man’s sense of humor too. Keep the joke about the priest, the donkey, and the two blondes under wraps until the second date. Find a funny story that ends happily without mention of bodily fluids, gases, or violence.

9. How to unhook a woman’s bra with one hand - There is about a 5-9 second rule about getting a woman’s bra off of her. If you use any more time that to remove it, then it will not come off that night, and your happy time is over. Do not try to rip the bra over her breasts. It will hurt her and kill the mood. Unclasping a bra with one hand is actually easier than trying it with two hands.

10. How to give a woman an orgasm - Unless you choose the sluttiest woman in the room every time you leave the house, about one-fourth to one-half of the women under the age of 25 that you meet, may not know how to bring themselves to climax. You have your work cut out for you. The first and most important thing about getting a woman to orgasm is that a woman’s mind controls her ability to finish. If she is thinking about her sick cat, her grades on that college final, her boss screwing her over on that promotion, or even if she just does not feel comfortable naked, then you have to make all of that a non-issue. You have to focus her mind on the fun that the two of you will have together if you want her to enjoy herself as much as you will enjoy yourself. Secondly, between 60-80% of women only reach orgasm if stimulated on the clitoris. That means that if  fail to have foreplay, you probably will not get her there. Foreplay does not mean play connect the dots (lips, neck, breasts, then va-j-j) with your mouth. It means that you need to tease, excite, and entice her. Finally, learn to read her cues. Women show you what they want with subtle body movements, but rarely with words.

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