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What NOT to Do After a Breakup

27 Nov


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Breakups form some of the most difficult chapters of our lives as human beings. Separations can be messy and trying, however they can also be some of the most rewarding, complex decisions of your life. But, there are quite a few choices that can ruin a good split from a bad person. Be mindful of the next few rules that you should abide by after a big breakup.

1. Do Not Listen to the Radio

After a breakup, every song on the radio will remind you of of your ex. And, for each year of your relationship, you can add about 10 songs to the list of infernal music that torments you. At least Taylor Swift is not sitting alone with Britney Spears on that list anymore, but I digress. You will be able to remember exactly what each of you was wearing when a song comes on the radio and what you were doing at the time. That ballad that the two of you used to sing together in the car will make you burst into tears at the introduction. In fact, almost any song will start a good old fashioned pity party. The radio will play love songs back to back for at least two weeks following any breakup. It is one of life’s unwritten rules. Avoid the radio at all costs.

2. Do Not Have Rebound Sex

Sleeping with the first guy that you meet seems like a good idea after you split from a real jerk. You get to scratch an itch that you have had for a while, you get a little reassurance that you are still just as desirable as you were before the relationship, and you get to close the book on your last relationship. However, a night of meaningless sex seldom solves the problems that were there prior to that night. And, you will realize exactly how meaningless the sex was after the new guy flees the scene minutes after his orgasm, or once you wake up and realize that you wish that he had fled the scene. Rebound sex generally leads to one of three things, babies, sexually transmitted diseases, or awkward silences between two people who do not really like each other.

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3. Do NOT Sleep With The Ex

Make-up sex is amazing. The connection that you had before the breakup seems like it never left. This man knows how to touch you in a way that makes you feel womanly and special. Then, he makes the same type of insensitive remarks that helped you to realize that he was not right for you in the first place. You remember all the heartache, all the arguments, and all the pain in that moment. But, how can he be wrong for you if your body responds to his touch like that? Most people would tell you to follow your heart. Don’t listen to those people, they are idiots. Ignore your heart and trust your brain. The same self-absorbed jerk who forgets your birthday, hits on your best friend, and calls you fat may give you multiple orgasms, but that only lasts for 20 minutes or so. And then, you are stuck with the douche bag for the rest of the day. He is not worth your heartache.

4. Do Not Cyber-Stalk Your Ex

Do not keep up with your ex-boyfriend on social media. Do not stalk him on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Reddit, or whatever the new craze is. Seeing pictures of him with some other girl will crush you.

5. Do Not Throw Away His Gifts

Why punish yourself for being dumped by throwing away EVERYTHING that he ever bought you? Do not take your anger towards him out on that awesome diamond bracelet or that fabulous Louis Vuitton bag that he bought you for Christmas. Memories fade, but good gifts can stay with you for a lifetime. Consider those gifts as your payment for the crappy job of being his partner and being bored to to death by talking about his job or watching terrible action movies every time you went to the movies.


6. Do NOT Damage Property

Throwing paint on his house or burning his clothes is never the answer unless the question is “How can I get a police record from a relationship?” Never damage another person’s property intentionally. The best case scenario in this case is that you simply have to pay to fix what you broke, vandalized, or sold. The worst case scenario is that you get a little jail time and have to explain this situation to your future employer and/or lover. No one wants the unstable chick around their work place or in their bedroom.

7. Do Not Beat Yourself Up

In a breakup, it is very easy to blame yourself for the unsuccessful relationship. You begin to remember all the good times that you had with your ex and question the motives behind the split. Whether you cheated on him or he stepped out on you, whether you left him or he departed first, there is still a valid reason that the relationship is over between you two. And, both of you played a part in the split whether it was active distancing from your ex or simple negligence. The responsibility of any breakup falls on both partners, but one partner usually cares about the relationship more than the other. If you are that person, then give yourself a break. Do not beat yourself up.

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