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How to Dump Her

17 Dec

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There are a few things that a man must do in his lifetime to be able to call himself a man. He must grow a beard or some other acceptable form of facial hair, he must build something with his hands, and he must date a girl. These are not arbitrary happenings in the average man’s life; they are requirements. They represent separate rites of passage into manhood – the physical, mental, and the emotional aspects of manhood – and they are necessary for proper masculine development. Facial hair can be removed with a razor on a whim, anything that is built can be easily destroyed, but getting rid of a unwanted lover can be more difficult than almost any task you can imagine. Women are wildly unpredictable and volatile when being attacked, and nothing feels more threatening to any person than telling them that they are unwanted. There are rules to dumping your girlfriend, and you should adhere strictly to them.


Rule #1: No Cliches

Save the old, “It’s not you, it’s me,” for the movie screen. If you are dumping someone, then most likely, they are doing something that you can not deal with. Have some integrity, and tell them that there are real problems in the relationship and you want to leave. She will respect you for your honesty even if she does not want to break up. Tell your girlfriend the reasons that led you to your decision to break up with her instead of telling her that you are inadequate – no matter how true that may be. Let her know that she has some fault in the situation.

Rule #2:Say It In Person

With the popularity of social media today, people, especially the younger generation, think that all of their personal business and the consequent, correlating emotions should be handled and discussed on the internet. These people are poor, misguided idiots. Facebook is not the place to berate your best friend, and Twitter is not a forum for a public breakup. A breakup should be handled in person so that your ex feels respected despite the news that she is receiving. Respect is necessary in relationship and even more important in splits. Respect is what keeps your soon-to-be ex-girlfriend from throwing bricks throw the windows of your living room and slashing the tires on your car. She has to respect you or fear you for you to escape this fate. And, fear gets you arrested, gets you a criminal record, and gets you a restraining order from Brenda even though you never touched her…and you only showed up to her job one time…and you did not really know that stalking her was a crime. I hate you Brenda, but I digress.

Rule #3: Be Honest

Tell your girlfriend the truth about the reasons behind your breakup unless the truth is that you regularly banged her mother, sister, best friend, and dog together in a hot tub filled with honey mustard. Anything short of that exact scenario should be shared with full candor. Tell her that her arm pits give off the heady aroma of a pack of sweaty testicles, and that you are tired smelling like the boy’s high school locker room after you hug her. Tell her that she is so boring in bed that watching the grass grow on your lawn is exponentially more entertaining than having sex with her. Tell her that she is not pretty. But, whatever the reason for the breakup, tell her the truth.

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Rule #4: Be The Bad Guy

Being the bad guy does not mean that you have to be insulting or just plain mean to her, but it does mean that you possibly may not be her best friend after the breakup. You have to allow her to hate you. People always say that they can still be friends after a breakup, but that is not always an option. The truth can be pretty ugly, especially when it is conveyed about someone’s inadequacies. When you tell her that she just is not enough for you, you have to understand that she may be less than happy.


Rule #5: No Makeup Sex

The ‘No Makeup Sex’ rule continues to be the most difficult rule to adhere to. Some guys are just assholes, so being an abrasive jerk to a woman is not too taxing. But, most men are vulnerable to sexual advances regardless of the situation. And, makeup sex is always passionate and erotic. Women perform more impassioned and are more emotionally accessible after a breakup. They pull you in with lucid, flirty comments and before you know it, you are stuck in the same predicament that you left days earlier. Under no circumstances should you ever sleep with a woman after dumping her. There was a legitimate reason that you left. Stick to your guns – and keep your gun in the holster.

And if none of this works, then you can always try to break up gracefully.

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