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The Myth of the Male Friend

9 Jan

This is the truth about your male friend.

There is no such thing as a platonic male friend. It has never existed, it never will exist. And, this isn’t a case like that of the long-gone dinosaurs or some rare species of plants that has recently become extinct with empirical evidence of their existence. This is closer to the realm of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. They have never been alive except in someone’s imagination, and it it just easier to believe that they exist rather than accept the actual truth. Yes, any woman over the age of twenty can name a guy with which she has gone to places and with whom she was not dating romantically, but that does not mean he was a friend. He was simply biding his time, being available, and attempting to spend enough time with an attractive woman to convince her that he would be worthy of having sex with her. Men do not have female friends unless they are not attracted to them. And even then, they would sleep with their unattractive friend if the right occasion and the right amount of alcohol was involved in the situation. Men are only friends to and with other men. The idea of a male friend dates back to childhood, when kids couldn’t really differentiate between genders. This was a different time. Boys and girls played interchangeably in a myriad of games because the two sexes had not yet figured out that they liked each other in a more passionate way. Then, life was simple. But, once those kids grew up and sex found its way into relationships, everything changed. And, the most impacting change of the walk into adulthood was that boys became preoccupied with sex. Women who have male friends often underestimate the power that basic attraction has over guys and misunderstand their motivations. Most men would sleep with a friend from their childhood. Most men would sleep with women from any person’s childhood, especially if that woman is hot.

This is not a man’s idea of fun.

Having a woman as a friend, for a guy, is like having all the drama of a girlfriend without any of benefits. You get all the petty arguments, hurt feelings, talks about those feelings, all the consoling her about work, school, kids, or just life, without the occasional cooking, cleaning, and regular sex of a normal adult relationship. Why would any sane man sign up for that? He could hang with a guy friend that has no feelings about anything other than women, alcohol, and cars, with the occasional talks about pop culture and politics. If someone is feeling down, it doesn’t warrant a talk about what’s wrong. It warrants a trip to a strip club or bar and a couple of drinks. Men are simple and women can complicate things.

This is both a man’s idea of fun and how men talk about their feelings.

There are only three reasons that a man would not sleep with an attractive woman. 1. The man is contentedly, happily married or in a great relationship so he does not put himself into situations that can get out of hand or be misconstrued. 2. He is completely gay: the type of gay where looking at women makes him physically ill. 3. He is dead. Men are socialized and possibly genetically wired to look at women. I asked an elderly man why he was ogling an attractive woman that walked by. He responded “I’m old, not dead.” I asked the same thing of a married guy, to which he promptly said, “I’m married, not dead.” And, some gay men seem to be more fascinated by breasts than straight men are.

Even old men are not your friends.

If you are  just a remotely attractive woman, your male “friend” is trying to sleep with you. If you’ve heard, “You are so cool/nice/pretty/gorgeous,” or any variation or combination of those words, your friend is saying clearly that he likes you. This is just a sanguine, non-threatening way of getting you to think about how cool/nice/handsome/etc. he is. It is all a ploy. If he has a girlfriend, that does not mean that he is not attracted to you. It means that at that moment, he has someone to keep him occupied. And, depending on how recently he started dating her and how attractive you are, he still might sleep with you. “But we’ve never even kissed.” He’s waiting for the right opportunity to sleep with you. “But I have a boyfriend.” If you want him, that won’t matter. He will sleep with you.”But, we tried to date and decided, we’re better as friends.” No, you decided to be friends, he’s waiting for his chance to sleep with you.

If fishing can’t keep a guy’s attention, what will?

No man approaches a woman with the intentions of simply befriending her. In fact, men do not even approach other men with the option of friendship. Friendship between guys happens organically. Male friends either grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same schools, and consequently were stuck together by proximity - which is not a true friendship either – or they fortuitously ran into each other and eventually grew a real friendship. Those guys seemed to always end up in the same bars, at the same games, or they had the same classes, but did not know each other. They stared at the same woman’s breasts and cracked similar jokes. After a while, one told the other where he would be because they enjoyed the same things, drinking, sports, and women, and a friendship was born. But, relationships between men and women do not form the same way. Every guy who approaches a woman usually fumbles through a few pickup lines before he is shot down, and then throws his friendship out as a lifeline to the woman’s vagina. That is not “friendship”, that is failure. Women, the male friend does not exist. It is a hoax conceived by one of the smarter men in our long history of thinkers and philosophers. You do not have a guy friend. A guy can assume the role of a friend depending on the occasion. He may listen attentively and give you good advice. He may even talk to you about your current boyfriends with you. But, that is not the reason that has befriended. That guy is just willing to put up with you long enough to see if you’ll let him in your pants. If any man, at any point, has talked to you, then he was trying to sleep with you. Accept it. The altruistic male friend is a myth.

barack obama - ogling02

If the president can’t help himself around a nice butt, can you really expect the rest of us to do so?

6 Responses to “The Myth of the Male Friend”

  1. David September 21, 2012 at 4:04 PM #

    This post is complete nonsense. I’m a fairly attractive dude and am platonic friends with several fairly attractive ladies. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t check them out when they’re wearing short skirts, but I have no aspirations of fucking them. I will admit that when I’m single and meet an attractive new girl, I am very intrigued. But once I get to know them and they’re put into the friends camp, they tend to stay there. Physical attractiveness doesn’t necessarily you have the physical, mental, or emotional chemistry necessary to sustain genuine attraction.

    • AFM September 22, 2012 at 1:50 AM #

      If you are not interested in these women sexually, then why are you checking them out when they wear short skirts? I did not say that you thought that the two of you would go on to have a great romantic relationship that was kindled by your time as friends. What I said is that men are not true friends to women because men have ulterior motives when meeting those women. And because of that, under the right circumstances, you would probably sleep with the “friends” with whom you are mutually attracted (that is if you haven’t done that already). That does not mean that the two of you can not participate in activities together without having sex in public. It does mean that if you are both single at the right time or just vulnerable, then sex is a real possibility for you. Which means that you are not “platonic friends”. You would never sleep with your guy friends would you?

  2. Spencer April 27, 2013 at 10:37 AM #

    I agree with David. This post is definitely nonsense. This is the type of stuff that really grinds my gears as it insists that ALL men are some pigs/sex crazed sociopaths.

    • AFM April 30, 2013 at 9:42 AM #

      Never did I say that men are sex-crazed. What I did say is that you would probably sleep with these women under the right circumstances, and the right circumstances is usually just a few drinks if you are attracted to someone. People, in general, only engage in behaviors that have a payoff. What is the payoff for having female friends?

  3. Him February 12, 2014 at 12:33 AM #

    This is BS, speak for yourself.

    • AFM February 19, 2014 at 5:43 PM #

      I am speaking to better male-female relationships. The truth is, most men would sleep with their female friends if given the chance, because most men approached their female friends initially to sleep with them. In fact, most men who have female friends are only friends with them because they were shot down by those women. That does not mean that men can not serve in the role of friend. However, a platonic relationship is not built on attraction, and people who want to sleep together are not friends.

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