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What Women Should Not Wear

7 Jan

Ladies there is a enormous difference between dressing sexy and dressing sloppy or slutty. If you do not know whether your style of dress is sexy or slutty, then, honestly, you probably dress like a strumpet. And, since you do not want to be identified as the resident skank or look like a bridge troll, follow these tips closely to ensure that you are always properly dressed.

This is the only type of bad frontal cleavage, and her husband still looks happy.

1. Cleavage - Ladies, frontal cleavage is almost always good, and back cleavage is never acceptable. This is a rule not a suggestion. Sexy cleavage is like a good introduction. The message that you are trying to get across is clear, and if the person likes your intro, then he or she will respond promptly. Back cleavage is metaphorically closer to having food stuck in your teeth. No one will tell that you look like an idiot, and you will continue smiling in complete ignorance of your condition. You know your body better than anyone else, so, if you are not genetically predisposed to being skinny or do not run a few miles a week, then you should not have your back out. A Christmas tree back is not sexy or seasonal. It is completely inappropriate. If your back has rolls, keep it clothed.

2. Skirts - Short mini-skirts are beautiful with the right pair of legs. Short flowing dresses are stunning on the right woman. But, the cups of your butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of your short skirt or dress is whorish. To all the taller ladies and those with larger hindquarters, you have to try on skirts before you buy them, and definitely check the length of your skirts before you go out. A skirt that fits your shorter or smaller framed friend perfectly, will expose your lady bits to the world. And, be sure to take a long look at the back of the skirt or dress in a mirror, because a skirt that appears to be the perfect length in the front, might give a peepshow to everyone behind you. And, to the shorter and smaller framed women, if your legs are toned from using your personal Stair Master or visiting the gym, and you have the heels that match those skirts and dresses perfectly, then wear them confidently. However, if you have spent the last three months laying on the couch scarfing down cheeseburgers, flaming-hot Doritos, and a half gallon of ice cream everyday, then leg-baring attire is not for you. Keep in mind, there is a distinct difference between demure and “de skank.”

Her toes are actually falling over the edge of her shoes. Suicide sandals are unforgivable.

3. Shoes - Please wear shoes that fit your feet. It may be embarrassing to order a size ten shoe in public, but you will be much more embarrassed when your shoes look like you have been baking bread in them. Your foot should not spill over onto the top of your shoe. If you can not feel your toes, then your shoes are too tight. If your toes are jumping over the edge of your shoes, you need a bigger size. Also, please apply lotion, Vaseline, baby oil, motor oil, or some lubricant to your feet if you plan on wearing sandals or open-toed shoes. You should not look like you played bare-footed in a bakery before you left your house. And if you have thick ankles, do not wear shoes with multiple straps. They look like a tree trunk growing through a fence.

4. Muffin top - If your jeans do not fit you, then buy more jeans. Muffin tops have to stop. The only rolls that people should see are the edible ones. Get rid of your extra “smedium” clothes through donation, thrift stores, or combustion, but do not wear them anymore. Your mother, sister, and boyfriend are all humiliated every time you show up in some stretched, unintentionally form-fitting outfit that squeezes and pushes out random parts of your body.

5. W - A form-fitting shirt with no brassiere is socially acceptable as long as your bust is not exceptionally large. When bra-less in public, you are walking dangerously close to the slut line, but as long as “Nipsey” does not make an appearance, the clothing should be well accepted. Tight pants with no underwear is always unacceptable, unless you are playing the appropriate sport with the corresponding uniform. The “w”, just like “Nipsey”, should never be visible. Camel toe is not hot. No one wants to see the imprint of your business through the front of your pants. Men are fairly appreciative when any part of the female form reveals itself, but even they are appalled by blatant camel toe. Women that broadcast their “meows” in broad daylight, look like prostitutes. Ladies, put on underwear and keep your vaginas covered. Please heed the warning in this rant. Failure to do so will assuredly cost you any meaningful romantic relationship that you have or want. And, even if it does not cost you a relationship, it will surely cost you your dignity.

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