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Paintball Is Dumb

4 Apr

paintball is dumb02

There are two types of people that play paintball regularly. Paintball enthusiasts are either brain-dead morons that failed to serve in any form of military service or gun-toting, sado-masochistic idiots. And, the line between these two kinds of people is very slim. Paintball is the most pointless activity that a person could participate in voluntarily, and only morons play paintball on a consistent basis.

First of all, any activity that can only be held at a place that is a solid hour outside of city limits in a wooded area is questionable at best. Walking into a paintball site is like walking into a good old-fashioned lynching or a mob burial. You know something is wrong the moment you get there, but you do not figure out that you have been set up until you get hit in the back of the head. Every venue for paintball is in a sparsely populated, densely woodsy field. These paintball courses are full of guys that could not serve in the army or on a police force for numerous reasons including but not limited to, being too fat, being too flat-footed, being too stupid to qualify, or just being too psychotic to trust with a gun. The other portion of guys are yokels from the NRA that come decked in full camouflaged gear, including a ski mask, padded vest, padded pants and have silencers for their semi-automatic paintball guns. But, they are all better than you at paintball, and they all want to play against you together. You will show up in a bright red sweater, and be handed a pair of goggles and the paintball gun that is basically a slingshot with a few dozen paint balls. You will stand out like a confused deer with neon lights hanging from his antlers in the middle of hunting season, and leave the course looking like you are wearing a full body tye-dye t-shirt.

In theory, paintball is a exciting competition that can be shared by friends on a lazy Saturday evening. In actuality, paintball is a forum for losers to hit each other with missiles of plastic covered paint. If I wanted to pay to be hit with random objects because I enjoy the pain, then there are a few “special” clubs in the city for that, and I imagine that they are a lot more fun.

Paying someone for this to happen to you is not fun.

26 Responses to “Paintball Is Dumb”

  1. lee April 2, 2012 at 6:35 PM #

    Lol, isn’t this article the truth.

  2. Colin May 11, 2012 at 5:17 PM #

    This is very innaccurate. I play paintball from time to time, not too often, but what was stated above is utterly false. The photo you showed is a guy who had clearly been hit from close range with the gun set to too high of a speed (fields test all guns before the games start). Paintballs are not plastic “missiles” covered in paint, rather a delicate plastic shell filled with a water based paint (making it washable). They rarely leave marks, the only time they leave a small bruise is when they don’t break. All other ones just leave a tiny little sting. Enough to know you are out but not enough to injure you. If you have ever set foot on a field you would realize that it is not full of belligerent jerks. The kid/adult split at the field I go to is 50/50 and people usual laugh about getting hit with the person who shot them after the match. Everyone is really friendly and it has a lower injury rate than bowling (1 in 4000 to be exact). Don’t talk about what you don’t know about.

    • AFM May 13, 2012 at 9:30 PM #

      Ummm….yeahhhh…. I personally played paintball on a course and took a few direct hit from long range and they all left welts. The friends that played with me took direct hits and were left with matching welts and some bruises. The two guys that took short range hits had bruises that covered large areas of there bodies accompanied by ugly bumps and a lot of pain. I am not calling you a “belligerent jerk” but the guys that we encountered were real bastards, and there is no way that I would knowingly pay to get pelted with paint balls again.

    • jacob capatan August 28, 2012 at 6:27 PM #

      dude you are right and i play pro paintball speed ball its not just in the woods anymore paintball has turned into a true sport

  3. X July 31, 2012 at 10:27 AM #

    This is a stupid sport!!

    • cincyreds August 18, 2012 at 5:00 PM #

      No way in hell paintball is a sport.
      I can think of very few activities more pointless – right up there with parkour.

    • jacob capatan August 28, 2012 at 6:26 PM #

      hay buddy i have been playing paintball for 4 years and it is the most commpetive sport you cna playu try speed ball paintball has evoleved it has become the best thing ever watch this video this is paintball now todyy its not just in the woods anymnore you dumbfucks

      • AFM August 28, 2012 at 8:00 PM #

        Okay first, you need T9 FOR YOUR LAPTOP dude. Your spelling and punctuation are horrible. And second, you can say whatever you want to say Jethro, paintball is completely pointless. Why would anyone with all their scruples pay to run around and be pelted with little paint-filled missiles?

        • jacob capatan August 28, 2012 at 8:48 PM #

          because it takes more skill then kicking a soccer ball. you dumbass and it takes more skill than playing baseball it takes more skill than your tiny little brain can handle. so please do our community a favor the paintball community i mean and either die in a hole or go to a tournament and watch or play for yourself and they are not missles have you ever even looked how they make paintballs you fucking dumb shit head. i just fucking hate people like you and you are most likely fat and lazy so thats not going too help you very much on the paintball field so fuck off and go die ass fuck.

          • AFM August 29, 2012 at 2:05 PM #

            So, you are saying that pulling a trigger while hiding behind a tree (or wall) takes more skill than running at full speed while directing a ball with your feet, or swinging a bat at a ball that is moving so fast that the human eye can barely detect it? You are delusional and so are all the other yokels that play paintball with you.

            • jacob capatan August 29, 2012 at 7:46 PM #

              hahha you cant even see a paintball come at you so what do you do you take cover and when you barley can hear paintballs as they come at you by the time you do you are out so stop defending all those other sports have you ever played as you see in that picture above that is not safe in paintball you have too wear googles mask what ever you want too call it thats what makes our sport bad i do not hate on other sports but you are one stupid motherfucker i am not going too take your fucking shit on how it is stupid if you never played then why comment go have fun for yourself playing paintball its more fun than siting behind a computer and trolling and i just went again today so stfu

              • AFM August 30, 2012 at 9:52 AM #

                Yes, I have played paintball, and no, I do not see the fun in being hit paintballs. I would never pay (again) to run around in the forest and try to dodge plastic, paint-filled balls. The real question is why do you like being hit? And why can’t you use a punctuation mark to separate your sentences? Oh, and also does calling me stupid make your point any more valid, you ass clown?

                • jacob capatan September 6, 2012 at 2:01 AM #

                  It happens on a random Monday. Coming back from an event or late on a Sunday night, right before you get on the plane and your about to be frisked for the third time. Your driving…your flying….your sitting in an airport seat with boys from the team. Your drinking stale coffee trying to stay awake. Your explaining a fat welt on the side of your neck to a confused stranger or a best friend…..or running through the sidewalk at LAX trying to catch a plane. Your coming back to the other life….the one without paintball. Where no one understands why you do it….your tired….working off little sleep and a question creeps up and you try to ignore it. Why do I do this? Why the travel? Why the losses? The missed worked…the missed school…hours of practice and the complaining girl friend….because the lure of living a paintball life is just to potent and the products of the road, the travel, are memories forever and trips and strange lands with stranger people. At tournaments it feels like for once you get to live as loud as you want. Its worth the sacrifices….its worth all the bull shit Because if you work hard enough, a Sunday will roll around and you’ll be in the huddle…screaming…..with your hand in….one among ten playing for the world title and suddenly all those clichs you’ve ever heard make sense and you are defined. You say it to yourself and it means everything, I am a paintball player and this moment right here is my life.”

                  • AFM September 7, 2012 at 11:44 AM #

                    Alright, Jake. You have convinced me to try this one more time. That was freaking inspirational!

  4. Maazin October 2, 2012 at 1:37 PM #

    Well… Please take it from someone who actually knows something about paintball (Besides Jacob taking that quote from techpb, pbnation, MC, or wherever). first and foremost paintballs are not plastic, they are a gelatin capsule filled with a (usually) biodegradable paint. Second since I know someone on this post is probably thinking it, No you cannot freeze paintballs, and even if you try they will not freeze, instead they will become ultra brittle and break very easily, not to mention be unbelievably inaccurate because of the absence of air inside of the ball causing it to dimple or deform, and since the fill inside is not completely water it will not freeze, it will instead become thicker. Now on to the discussion of paintball being a sport. Yes it is most certainly a sport, you have speedball which is divided into airball, hyperball, and xball among others, and scenario which is dominated by woodsball, and some bushball, The paintball which is considered a sport to most is Xball. It is a game where you have one objective, hang the flag, this can be done by eliminating the enemy team, or just running and getting the flag. This is done in an xball field which is most definitely not a big field, it is small with air filled bunkers, and is meant to be played fast and tight. Paintballs all fly at the same speed, whether it be a rental gun or a owners $1000.00 gun. The point in buying a new gun is to have the added benefit of a smoother shot, better ergonomics, better efficiency (you can shoot more with one fill) and a more “quiet shot” there are alot more benefits buts those are the most common or (to some) important ones. Paintball is fun to some and not fun for others, as is basketball, and softball. Paintball is a hobby, a career, and to some a way of life.

  5. Alex March 3, 2013 at 7:23 PM #

    Going by you post, it sounds like you had a shitty time and probably did run into some dipshits that play for the sole purpose of inflicting pain on someone who is at a disadvantage. Those players represent a tiny aspect of paintball. People like that piss me off and are horrible for the sport, and yes i said sport. Very few people who play for the sport side have any interest in the military at all, don’t get me wrong, you will find them but they are not trying to fill some child hood dream or anything like that. I consider it a sport for several reasons such as the facts that paintball has a multimillion if not billion dollar industry backing it and takes place on every continent (other than the arctics). If it weren’t a sport I wouldn’t see much of a point in companies flying and paying me along with countless other players around the world to COMPETE and represent them and the sport. I can guarantee if you and your friends really did get the welt you described the guys you were playing with were probably shooting hot (faster than the legal and safe velocity, which is at max 300 feet/second {roughly 200mph}) and further prove them to be dicks. Also the sport side nearly never occurs in the woods, it takes place on a regulation field where the bunkers (which are like big balloons to put it in the simplest way) are in the exact same spot (measured to the inch) on both sides. As for it not requiring any skill, that is far from the truth. It involves strategy, team work that is unparalleled, speed, accuracy, the list goes on….Its hard to say that it doesn’t take skill to shoot something the size of a football while running full speed. And yes you can see paintballs in the air, but i can see how it could be difficult with you eyes closed from fear of getting hit, which when the guns are chonographed (thats when/how they check the velocity) feels like getting popped with a towel. So if that is too much pain to handle then I would recommend pursuing something a little less intense, maybe curling or power walking would be a better fit. I’m sorry you had a rough time when you played but you apparently went to the wrong place, try doing some research and heading to a more respectable field that will fallow industry precautions and will have players with a little more respect than the assholes you had the bad luck to play against. I promise you will have a much better time. But one thing we would all appreciate is if you didn’t blast our way of life on the internet for everyone that reads your stuff to see (all 6 of them) and discouraging others to try it with out doing a little more research and actually giving it a fair chance. I hope you give it another chance and hope you have a better experience…also if you want to see a little more of our world check out, they post news, videos, strategy, and everything media related. For sports analysis check our, they promote the national league and keep stats on the top teams and players….

    • AFM March 10, 2013 at 7:06 AM #

      This is the first sensible response that I have received about paintball. I can respect you saying that I ran into a bunch of idiots because I went to the wrong course. There are idiots everywhere in life. My buddies and I were out-manned and outgunned out there. Because of you Alex, I just may give paintball another chance.

  6. Sara April 17, 2013 at 8:20 AM #

    The people I’ve played with have also been douchebags. Playing in armoured clothing and buying enough rounds that they were continuously shooting the ENTIRE TIME. Our group got a starter package, so we had about 1/5 what they went through in one game. And EVERYONE left with welts. It was just dumb.

  7. Anonymous November 22, 2013 at 11:11 PM #

    The person who wrote this is probably a 300 pound lard ass living in his parent’s basement. You couldn’t handle a game of pantball without breaking dow in tears like a little bitch. Grow some balls.

    • Shav January 8, 2014 at 1:02 PM #

      lol. that so could be true.

    • Mike July 17, 2015 at 4:55 PM #

      I am a toned professional; paintball is lame.

  8. Shav January 8, 2014 at 1:01 PM #

    lol. what sissy wrote this. very entertaining article. maybe curling or ribbon twirling would be right up your alley. lol.

    • AFM January 9, 2014 at 4:02 PM #

      Does it make a guy a sissy to not want to pay to be pelted with plastic missiles? In my opinion, if you pay for punishment, then there should be a happy ending.

  9. Vince March 10, 2014 at 10:25 PM #

    Sounds like someone went out to play paintball and got owned, so now you get on the internet to talk all the trash you wouldn’t in person.

    • AFM March 11, 2014 at 9:33 AM #

      I definitely did get “owned”. But, it was because I was under-gunned, undermanned, and on unfamiliar territory. We are getting away from the point of the article though. The point of the article is that paintball is stupid. Why would anyone pay to be tortured?

  10. jsnf May 4, 2014 at 9:10 PM #

    be nice ppl :)

    I like paintball

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