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What Not to Say to Women

19 Apr

1. Yes, you look fat in…, that dress, that top, that skirt, nothing, those earrings, or whatever – A significant amount of women are overly insecure about their appearance. By answering their question truthfully, you have confirmed all their insecurities about themselves and started a few new issues in your relationship. The issues include, but are not limited to: “If he thinks I’m fat, will he leave me for someone prettier?”, “He must not love me enough, if he thinks I’m fat.”, and “Did that bastard just call me fat?” The truth about her weight is more harmful than a slight deflection or even a blatant lie. The correct answer to “Do I look fat in this?” is, “You look good to me, but I don’t know anything about fashion.”… unless your name is Ralph Lauren, in which case you are screwed.

2. What are those? Double D’s? – First, you should not ogle a woman’s breasts no matter how perfect and pendulous they might be. You should not stare at them regardless of how they sway majestically as she glides towards you in slow motion. You should not focus intently on them in an attempt to see the outline of a brassiere or the complete absence of a brassiere. But, if you do all this and the woman that you are now “boob stalking” has not kneed you in the groin, then you should not further embarrass yourself by yelling out the most socially inappropriate question that a man can ask a woman.

3. How old are you? – No woman over the age of 25 is going to tell you the truth about her age initially. If she likes you and thinks that she is older than you, she might tell you a younger age. If she feels like she’s getting older too fast, she might tell you an older age. If she feels younger than she actually is, she might give you a younger age. Just wait until she tells you her age or shows you her driver’s license.

4. What are you, like 45-50 years old? – This is only acceptable if she is clearly 70-80 years old. And since you are not that perceptive, you still should not say this.

5. Congratulations, when are you due? – Strangely, women are not pleased when people mistakenly congratulate them on being pregnant. Instead of focusing on the positives of pregnancy like the glow of an expecting mother and the cute waddle that they have, they generally perceive your compliment as you calling them fat. It must be the hormones.

6. You sound just like your mom. – You are searching desperately for a knee to the groin.

Even if your mom is a former supermodel…

7. Your mom is hot. – No woman wants to think about you fantasizing about her mom, even if their mom is Christie Brinkley (shown above), Demi Moore, or Heather Locklear. Knee + Groin = Pain

8. She’s hot (when standing next to any woman). – Unless you are standing next to a lesbian who is staring at the same woman, you are being disrespectful. If you are standing next to your mother, then you are being aloof and disrespectful. If you are standing next to your sister, then you are being gross and disrespectful. If you are standing next to your boss, then are being disrespectful and getting fired for sexual harassment. And if you are standing next to your girlfriend/wife/significant other, then you are being disrespectful and will soon understand what happens when a knee meets your groin. See #7 if you have forgotten what happens.

9. Are those real? – If you do not know if they are real, then it is none of your business.

10. It’s not you, it’s me. – Leave this line at home locked in a vault never to be spoken. Women know that 9 times out of 10 times, when a guy breaks up with them, it is not because he needs time to discover himself. It is because he thinks that she is crazy, boring, or not hot enough. Save yourself from the endless tears and groin pain.

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