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If There Was A White History Month…

16 May

There has long been a disparity in the way that culture has been celebrated here in America between the races. After the turn of the century and once slavery was officially abolished, the tables turned for White people and their culture. People of all ethnicities were given civil rights and eventually the individual histories of those people became part of American history. Today, Black people, Hispanic people, and Asian people all have months dedicated to their origins. But, the diverse history of White Americans has been ignored by the masses for much too long. White people need their own specific month to remind other races of their place in American history. And, if White Americans had one particular month to celebrate their rich, cultured history that month would have to be April.

The dreary weather of early Spring would serve to remind Caucasian people of their humble beginnings in England, Ireland, and the other precipitous parts of Eastern Europe. Those constant spring showers give women an opportunity to wear those “keeeyy-ooot”, designer rain boots, a national pastime for teenage White girls. And, there is just enough sun in April for everyone to break out their flip-flops and get started on their tans. April should be the official White history month. And, several days of the month should be dedicated to the heroes and ideals of being White, because being White is being American.


April 1st – Soapbox Day

If White people had a White History Month, April Fools Day should serve as a forum for White men to address the plethora of socio-cultural problems that only affect the majority. Few people know it, but White men are by far the most persecuted ethnic group in America. They face so many systematic institutional prejudices that political correctness will not allow them to comment on without social repercussions. But on Soapbox Day, White guys get to speak publicly about any of the governmental programs and socio-economic policies that antagonize and exclude them including, but not limited to affirmative action, border protection from illegal aliens, reverse racism, and welfare, the biggest threats to White men. Soapbox Day is the day where the plight of being an affluent White man can be heard by the general public.


April 4th – Appropriation Day

Nothing is more White than stealing culture from other people. And appropriately, the gross bastardization of other people’s identities should be celebrated on April Fool’s Day.


April 8th – Nutella Day

Any proper White History Month needs at least one date committed to Nutella. Nutella Day is an ode to the genius of Pietro Ferrero, who ate peanut butter and thought to himself this should be sweeter and more “chocolatey”. So, he dropped the peanuts and used hazelnuts, skimmed milk, and cocoa to create the tastiest food spread ever consumed in North America. The result is a hazelnut topping that no breathing person can resist. Nutella is a pillar of White history and an example of how our culture can always take something from another ethnicity (George Washington Carver, a Black guy, made peanut butter) and make it less healthy and more addictive – see also bread being turned into doughnuts and upgrading drug choices from cocaine to speed to meth.

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April 10th – Starbucks and Uggs Day

Two linchpins of Winter-time Caucasian attire are Ugg boots and a fresh, steaming Starbucks coffee cup. And though Spring time has officially arrived in April, any White person would be remise if they did not acknowledge the contributions that pumpkin spice lattes and obnoxiously plush boots have made towards society. There is something that is quintessentially American, specifically White American, about overpaying for items. And, what items are more overpriced than $5 cups of coffee and $200 leisure boots? Granted, Uggs are so plush that they feel like your foot is wrapped snugly inside the warm, furry backside of a baby unicorn, and science has shown that Starbucks coffee is brewed straight from purified angel tears, but people still pay prices that are too exorbitant for the product. These items have kept college-age White women temporarily satiated one walk to the coffee shop at a time for more than a decade now, and thus should have a day in White History Month.


April 17th - Confederate Heroes Day

Confederate Heroes Day already exists in a few Southern states, but White History Month will bring it to a National level. The government tried to hide observance of this day by putting it on January 19th - a day that often coincides with Martin Luther King Day – however, the day was put in place to commemorate the birthdays of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis. Confederate Heroes Day marks a time in American history that most people want to forget. But, this country was built on the backs of slaves and it is reductive not to celebrate the White gentlemen who protected the medium that formed this great land. Slavery should be celebrated. So should the men who enforced it violently and courageously. White History Month should celebrate the lives of the Southerners who persecuted and exploited people to build this country. Also, it is totally not ironic, inappropriate, or purposefully insulting to any other race of people that this day is currently being shared with Martin Luther King Day.


April 22nd – Craft Beer Day

Another standard of White culture is turning something pointless and mundane into something unnecessarily important, so Craft Beer Day is completely necessary to White History Month. There is nothing on the planet that makes White men feel more important than having an excess of knowledge about a marginally popular subject. And, what better way to celebrate that knowledge than by brewing and imbibing your own alcohol. Brewing beers precedes a long history of bootlegging that was part of most rural Southerner’s past. And, as implied by the inclusion of Confederate Heroes Day, a big portion of White history is the relevance of the South.


April 23 – Lipstick Lesbian Day

Not surprisingly, the day after the celebration of making your own alcohol relates to what happens when women drink too much alcohol. There is nothing more representative of being an American than having a few too many and watching girls kiss each other. This is not a celebration of real lesbianism because that is too exclusionary of the male population. Lipstick Lesbian Day is a day for the women who get drunk and grab a boob or two and the men who watch them creepily in a circle of their peers. This day may also be known as Fraternity Day.

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April 29 – Tom Brady Day

Tom Brady embodies the spirit of the American dream for any red-blooded American male. He represents all of the capitalist ideals of the country and should have his own day in White History Month. Brady lived the ultimate story of personal success and cashing in on your talent despite the odds being stacked against you. He went to a big football school, but mired on the bench for three years behind seemingly more talented players. Then, in his last year of college, he tore it up as a senior. He should have been drafted in the first or second round and lived out his dream as a starting NFL quarterback, but instead he was drafted in the sixth round and was stuck on the bench again in the pros. But, when his opportunity for stardom came, Tom Brady delivered. Drew Bledsoe, the starter in New England, got injured, and Brady stepped in and led the Patriots to a Super Bowl. He went on to win two more Super Bowls in the next three years and the Patriots became the team of the decade. Brady became the face of the league, was its highest paid player, and led his squad to three more Super Bowl appearances and one more title. And in line with a common practice of White men, as his star rose, he left behind the people with whom he started his journey. He left his beautiful actress girlfriend, and married the highest paid supermodel in the world who is actually worth more money than him. His team regularly dumps the best players around him to replace them with suitable replacements, but he stays entrenched in his seat of power. Brady has three perfect little blonde children, models in his spare time, and pretty much owns the world. A day in White History Month has to be dedicated to this man. Tom Brady represents the American dream.

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