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Marriage Changes a Man

31 May

Men are vicious creatures.  We are used to going into the land to plunder, pillage, ransack, lot, and destroy everything in our path.  We are hunters in every sense of the word.  We know this, accept this, and go about our lives perfecting it.  All of our Neanderthal behavior comes to a screeching halt the moment we get smitten by that one special lady.  Once cupid lands a Dim Mak our lives have to change.  Here are 5 things men lose once they get married.




This may come as a surprise, but women aren’t all that interested in baseball cards, comic books, or action figures.   Essentially whatever boyish hobbies a guy has going into the marriage he’s going to have to stop.  Sure he can collect any coin, comic, or card he wants, but it’s gonna either be stashed in the attic, garage, or basement.  Playing computer or video games for hours at a time is also going out the window.  Married women don’t dislike these things, but they just don’t like them very much.  My advice for any guy about to get married is to not even try to fight this one … the battle will be lost.  Besides, why would a guy want to spend countless hours in some 1080P fantasy land when they can make up their own fantasies with a real woman (one they love)?  Find a buddy who will forever be single and stash the action figures and such at his house.

When it comes to sports women are more flexible.  They understand how important they are for a guy, so they try to reduce the exposure, not completely wipe it out.  Watching college football all day Saturday ends wedding weekend guys.  The best solution is to find a way to get wifey interested in sports so she will want to watch them at the same time.  Let her throw parties for a game (not a big game) so she can decorate, invite over friends, and feel invested in what’s going on.  Pick which games cannot be missed and let her know in advance.  Planning and compromise are very important here, or else all hobbies will end up being lost forever.


4th meal

Those random week nights going out with the guys until 2 AM and then grabbing fast food are pretty much never going to happen again.  Sure married men can still get the occasional guy’s night out, but they’re much less frequent, and they end much, much sooner.  Furthermore, leaving the house at 10:30 or 11 PM to go to a bar isn’t going to happen again.  If you’re not out of the house by latest 9 PM it’s really not worth the argument to try and still meet up with the single guys.  Women seem to have a thing about their husbands leaving the house at midnight.  At any rate, what potentially positive outcome could come from a married guy being out that late in a bar without their wife?  In summary, marriage pretty much gives men a curfew.  A cool wife doesn’t publish an actual time her man should be home … it’s kinda just one of those unwritten understandings.


Their Figure

First of all, men don’t call their bodies a “figure” until they get married.  Once a dude gets married, said “figure” often starts to decline.  Think about it for a second …

Why do men usually work out?  Trust me, it’s not for cardiovascular health, the reduction in low density lipoprotein, or for prevention of type 2 diabetes.  Men work out to get great bodies which will attract women.  If a guy already has his woman, the impetus to exercise will decline.  I’m not saying that all men will stop working out completely, but running 5 miles six times a week is going to be a thing of the past.  Hitting the gym before work every morning will become more of the exception than the rule.  Another reason why men’s bodies decline after marriage is because food choices change.  While men don’t mind eating cereal or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner when there’s no food, women don’t get too excited about those options.  Either the couple is going to go somewhere to eat, or get takeout from some restaurant.  Eating out (bigger portion sizes) is going to be a lot more common, and so is eating dessert.  So if one combines more frequent real meals and less frequent exercise (without the requisite smart food choices in  moderation), the result is the gut seen on many a married man.


What this “man” now calls a hobby



It’s not very difficult to talk about women, sports, burgers, beer, and bodily waste.  Men have talked about these things for centuries, and we are very comfortable with how those discussions go.  Discussions about feelings (feeling hurt, disappointment), goals, and emotions (other than being pissed off) don’t really come naturally to a guy.  Well that has to change in marriage.  Men have to learn how to become in touch with how they’re feeling (the woman will ask repeatedly), and figure out how to talk about all this complicated stuff.  This is not very easy, but if we don’t learn how to do this wifey will become one of those feelings that we don’t quite understand.  Moreover, men are designed to see a problem and immediately look for the quickest and easiest solution.  That’s not always the best approach when dealing with a wife.  Sometimes they just want someone to hear them and empathize with their plight.  A perfect example of this concept comes from Rosie Perez’s character in the White Men Can’t Jump.  This is her response after her husband brings her a glass of water after she says that she’s thirsty:

-See, if I’m thirsty I don’t want a glass of water.


-I want you to sympathize.


-I want you to say, ”Gloria … I, too, know what it feels like to be thirsty. I, too, have had a dry mouth.”


-I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness.




Sorry to break it to ya buddy, but the moment those “I dos” are exchanged, being cavalier with money stops.  There’s no more buying the newest phone, stereo, car, computer, etc just because it’s new.  Buying a bigger TV just because it’s bigger and thinner isn’t going to fly either.  Now money is going to be spent on things we don’t care about, such as window curtains, patio furniture, bookshelves, and things I still don’t know what they are like duvets, accent chests, and buffets.  All of these things have to be purchased to “make the house look nice.”  Women generally like to travel more than men, so take solace in the fact that although hundreds of dollars were spent on something called a buffet, even more will be spent to make sure an awesome time is had on some island or European country.




Bad habits

There is a reason women live longer than men … women are clean.  Married women help their men get rid of a slew of bad habits, including:

  • Not changing bed sheets in a timely manner
  • Forgetting (or neglecting) to throw away dish sponges, loofahs, and toothbrushes
  • Never replacing pillows

In addition to helping with bad habits, women help married guys by:

  • Making them go to the doctor
  • Forcing them to eat vegetables
  • Keeping them from impulsive behaviors (drinking and driving, getting in fights, engaging in stupid dares)
  • Providing them with children which inherently makes them settle down

So although a married guy is a shell of his former self, can be the ridicule of his single friends, and has a lot less testosterone than his former self, he actually becomes a better human being.  We wouldn’t keep doing it after all these years if it wasn’t a good idea.

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