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Thing’s Any Bachelor Needs

14 May

What a bachelor has (or doesn’t have) in his house is always very important.  Having the appropriate arsenal at your disposal is important for occasions like inviting a lady you’ve recently met over to your place for dinner for the first time, bringing over the unsuspecting female you just met at the bar, or an unplanned visit from someone hot like a new neighbor asking for directions or needing to borrow some condiments.

This is a bad idea.

Guy 1

1. A clean bathroom and kitchen – There are two places in any home that hold the propensity for strange growths and foul smells, the kitchen and the bathroom. The quickest way to lose a willing sex partner is to show them your lack of the ability to clean. The kitchen and bathroom have to be cleaned regularly, to prevent women from checking out early.

2. Big, fluffy towels that are visible in the bathroom – I don’t understand why they like them, but women love fluffy towels. And, a man who has fluffy towels will have happy women around him.

3. 2-to 3-ply toilet tissue – Because you’re a classy guy.

4. A clean, but not spotless home – No woman wants to think that she will have to clean up after you for the rest of her life, but if your house is immaculate, she will conclude that you are anal retentive, gay, married, or some combination of the three.

5. Something living in the house that does not grow exclusively in dark, damp places – Preferably, buy a dog or a plant, and avoid cats. A plant says that you are at least marginally nurturing, and a dog says that you are fun-loving and loyal. But a cat can hint at you being slightly anti-social, effeminate, and possibly neglectful, unless she has cats. If she has cats, you’re in.

6. Some sort of fine literature – Bonus points if you can actually quote and contextualize your references. This is a sign of intelligence, culture, and refinement.

7. Some popular magazines (sports, architecture, cars, men’s fashion, etc.) – This shows your interests and entertains your guests.

8. Furniture – Two folding chairs and a lawn chair in case you want to lounge in the living room does not qualify as furniture. Get a couch and a coffee table. They are necessary.

9. Air freshener, fabric refresher, carpet refresher, and/or potpourri – If you are a man, your apartment stinks and you can not smell it. Trust me. Potpourri is the least attractive option here, because your date might assume that your mother cleans your home or that you are married.

10. 3 types of cologne (1 nautical, 1 musky, 1 woody/earthy) – Different women like different scents.

11. 1 Premium blend of coffee – Whether you drink it or not, if the night gets late you may need an excuse to invite her up.

12. 2 good bottles of wine (one red, one white), 3 liquors (2 brown, 2 clear) – Sometimes you have to keep the party going. Try to buy one bourbon, one rum, tequila and vodka, because they are the most popular with the ladies.

13. A bed with a head board – The days of an air mattress are gone, and splurge for at least the queen size bed. Two people can not fit in a twin size bed.

14. A comforter – Because you are a grown up, and women like comforters. Again, I do not know why.

15. Nice sheets – You do not have to buy silk sheets, because they can come off as cheesy. But, you should find some nice sheets. Look for 100% cotton with a minimum of a 500 thread count. 1,000 count is a lot better, though.

16. Prophylactics – That’s condoms for the common man. Protect yourself from disease and early parenthood.

Guy 2

1. Good toilet paper- Trust me on this, good toilet paper is absolutely non-negotiable.  Women are soft and delicate, and if you have them rubbing sandpaper on their most sensitive areas, I guarantee you won’t be rubbing anywhere on their bodies.  Even though they’re a bit more expensive, if you stick with soft, 2-ply brands like Kleenex Cottenelle or Charmin, you’ll come out a winner.  Try to avoid store brand TP that comes wrapped in paper…trust me on this.

2. Clean bathrooms- This is probably obvious to most, but women spend more time in the bathroom than they do any other place in the house.  If you have a messy, nasty bathroom, they won’t want to spend any more time in your house ever again.  Furthermore, if your bathroom is dirty, they’ll think other things about you are dirty (like your bedroom, which is where you ultimately want them to feel most comfortable), most importantly, your body!  It literally takes less than 5 minutes to clean your toilet, so there’s no reason it should look like a chemical waste spill.  If you’re one of those guys who don’t regularly clean the tub, get on your knees and start scrubbing.  There is a 100% chance that she will pull the shower curtain back and look at the cleanliness of your tub.  Lastly, clean out your medicine cabinet if it’s in the bathroom.  If you have medicine for female issues like Midol, she’ll assume you bring lots of women over to your place, and that’s not gonna work in your favor.  Remove anything scary (like RU-486, just kidding…sort of) or anything that might treat an STD.  Almost everyone has internet on their phones, and she just might google what she finds.  Even if you take that Valtrex for the occasional cold sore, if she sees it in your cabinet, you’re definitely going to strike out like Casey At The Bat.

3. No visible porn- Once again one would assume this was obvious, but far too many men have been bested by this transgression.  Men, if you have any porn, please hide it.  It must not be within the line of sight, or found by simply lifting up another magazine or something.  And by porn I mean all DVDs, magazines, and/or toys.  In addition, don’t have the DVR pop up on screen to say it’s automatically starting to record Forest Bump or Lord of the G-strings, or Real Sex 539.  You won’t win any points with these.  By the way, many women consider Maxim magazine to be basically porn…just FYI.

4. Clean soft sheets- I wouldn’t say that 500 thread count sheets are a definite must have (because if you’ve got her in your bed, you’re probably going to seal the deal anyway), but if you’ve got some high quality silk sheets you’re definitely going to score some major points.  Just as a man can look at a woman’s chest and instantly know what her bra size is, women can do the same with thread counts.  Impress her with what you’ve got, and really win her over if you’ve got a down comforter.  Having clean sheets and a made bed are requirements.  Don’t do your usual one month bed sheet change if you know a lady’s coming over.

5. Tasty wine- You don’t have to be well off or a wine connoisseur or anything to pull this off.  If you’ve ever had a glass of wine that was particularly tasty, just make a mental note of it, and buy it when you know you’re gonna need it (although it makes sense to have it unopened at home in case you have an unplanned visit).  If it’s a woman who doesn’t really drink wine, having something rather sweet is the way to go.  She won’t turn it down because she probably likes you, and if it’s sweet, she’ll want to drink more of it.  The more she drinks, the higher your batting average becomes.  You really can’t go wrong with Moscato, which are often dessert wines, or Riesling, which is pretty versatile.

6. Wall flowers or glade air freshners- Your house should not stink!  The nicer it smells, the more welcome she’ll feel (like it’s as safe as her house).  Buy some of those Glade plug-ins that can be found at any supermarket or drug store and suddenly your place smells like lilac blooms, fresh laundry, or some other scent that she’ll enjoy.  If you wanna go the extra mile, go to Bath and Body Works and buy some of those Wallflowers.  She’ll recognize their distinctive look and smell, and she’ll be impressed that you even know what they are, and that you’d even enter such a feminine store.

7. Night gear- If all goes well and it seems as if she’s going to spend the night at your place, make sure you’re well prepared.  She’ll definitely want to spend the night again if you have all the necessary things to make her evening routine seamless.  Firstly, you’ve got to have something she can change into.  Make sure you have a big t-shirt (or really any decent sized one) that is clean for her to wear.  Some women get off to wearing men’s oxford shirts.  Have one of those available also.  If you don’t own or know what an oxford shirt is, here’s wikipedia.  You must also have contact lens solution, and a spare container to store her contacts.  I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve heard dudes lose out because the woman had no place to put her contacts. An unopened toothbrush scores you countless points, as she’s probably not comfortable to use yours just yet. Moreover, if she has her own toothbrush, she’s more apt to have breakfast with you, which means your morning wood can be satiated. Lastly, we already discussed having clean sheets, etc, but also make sure you have more than one pillow, and that it’s not as flat as a pancake.

8. Something to show- She comes over for dinner, and the dinner goes fine…but what happens next?  You’ve gotta have something to show her.  If you’ve got a good movie collection (including stuff she’d actually enjoy also), then good job.  If not, make sure you have On Demand or Netflix or something.  If you play the guitar, now’s a good time to show off the skills.  Are you a photographer?  Show her some of your best work.  The point of all of this is to keep her entertained.  The moment she gets bored is the same moment she goes home.  I’d recommend against showing her anything that involves action figures, comic books, or ex-girlfriends.

9. Condoms- If you get to this point during the evening, it’s clear that she probably likes you.  It’s also highly probable that she doesn’t like you enough to have unprotected sex.  You may have prepared the perfect dinner dish, picked out the perfect romantic comedy, played her some songs on the guitar, and even given her a foot massage, but if you don’t have protection, you may still strike out.  Moreover, you probably shouldn’t be having unprotected sex with her at this point anyway (not to be all self-righteous or anything, it’s just not a smart move so early in the game).  Always have some with you, and make sure that you don’t end up like this guy did (fast forward to about 2:50).

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