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Having a Baby Made Me a Millennial

18 Jun


I am not a millennial.  In fact, I am knocking on the door to my fifth decade of life. I have purchased a VCR (and owned a Blockbuster card), I owned a pager despite never going to medical school, and I remember life before Wikipedia, microwaves, and power windows in cars. To keep things in the here and now for those who can’t even conceptualize the aforementioned concepts, I can leave my cell phone at home without having a near myocardial infarction. Believe it or not, I actually call people – not just text or email everyone – I don’t post on social media every time I go to the gym or post every meal I cook, and since I’m not a celebrity, I don’t have Twitter followers nor do I check my mentions the moment I wake up in the morning.  For full disclosure, millennials (not all, just nearly all) annoy me deeply.  I can’t stand their talk of white shaming, weight shaming, and wealth shaming.  The entitlement that they display, despite being significantly lazier than every generation preceding them, is astounding. It mortifies me that every participant in children’s athletic events gets a trophy.  Somehow they think that it’s constructive to argue in the comments section of every online article as if they are actually going to change the mind of the trolls who gather there. In an effort to be impartial, I can understand that they were born into a world that preaches erroneously that life is fair, revolutions begin behind hashtags on an LCD screen as opposed to doing hard work, and that the comforts of “first world problems” belong to them because their ancestors busted their asses.  Sadly, with all that being said, I’ve come to the unfortunate reality that having a baby has turned me into a surrogate millennial.  It feels like I died and was resurrected into a lesser form like a white walker by the Night King.

I Get Things Delivered To My House
It’s nearly impossible to live in 2017 America without purchasing items online.  Brick and mortar stores are closing by the dozens, and even the ones that exist have shrinking inventory onsite.  I’m an Amazon guy, and have had Prime nearly since its inception; nothing beats getting unneeded merchandise placed right at the doorstep delivered in just two days. Having a baby has completely flipped that on its head for me. Instead of ordering items that I don’t need from Amazon, I find myself ordering items that I actually really do need from Jeff Bezos’ dynastic empire.  Never in my life as a single guy would I imagine getting paper towels and toilet paper delivered to my house.  Not to mention the ubiquitous baby items littered throughout my living room – diapers, wipes, lotions, soaps.  When grocery stores began instituting curbside pickup, it was an absolute panacea.  With the advent of this groundbreaking idea, I don’t even have to wait the two days for Amazon.  I can park at the front of the store and get items brought directly to my car.  For those who don’t know, bringing a baby to the grocery store is like going to Walmart on Black Friday. The moment that bundle of joy is taken from the car seat to the shopping cart the countdown begins.  Unfortunately no one knows how much time they have until the little one starts crying about everything and absolutely nothing at all, has a bowel movement that smells like a toxic waste landfill, starts grabbing things from the shelf, puts random items in their mouths, or all of the above.  This is all assuming that the baby isn’t asleep upon arrival to the store, thus negating the option of even shopping altogether (for the uninitiated … NEVER awaken a sleeping baby unless a bottle or breast is about to be shoved into their mouths).  I digress, but millennials get essentials delivered to their houses all the time.  Being able to pick up the phone, click a few buttons, and get all the essentials without walking away from Instagram and/or Kik is beyond priceless. Yes, I understand the convenience, but what about the socialization that comes from being in the store with others?  I admit that it’s not very aerobic, but any amount of walking, even if it’s just through a grocery store, provides benefit over being completely sedentary.  As an FYI to single guys, one of the best places to find high quality women is the grocery store. In the evening it’s teeming with women who are coming straight from work or the gym, and seeing a well-dressed man assessing items in the produce section is a major turn on.  Ignore my advice and continue to shop for essentials online at your own peril millennials.  It just sucks I have to follow in this idiocy.

My Food Has Changed
Speaking of delivery, the only food that I used to ever get delivered to my house was pizza.  Rest assured that has gone by the wayside also.  Not only is time spent cooking sometimes impossible, traversing the city to get to a restaurant with baby in tow is a nonstarter.  Yes, going to a fast food establishment with a drive through is always an option, but now in years I’m equidistant between retirement and being a freshman in high school, so avoiding fast food is integral to my goal of never getting put on cholesterol medication.  In addition, being that parent with the kid who is screaming in the restaurant is a very lonely feeling.  Every single eye (and painfully ear) is on that family.  We’ve all seen it happen … it’s like a car wreck in the middle of the highway during rush hour.  Enter Ubereats, Postmates, and DoorDash.  Getting high quality, restaurant food delivered quickly has been one of my favorite aspects of living in 2017. Clearly I would love to prepare my own foods to save money, but time is money, and actually a more valuable commodity.  Millennials get food delivered all the time.  This is one of the major reasons why mainstay traditional restaurants are hurting so badly economically, and the rise of the fast casual establishments has occurred.  Ordering food delivery is easy and expedient, but incredibly expensive and not necessarily the healthiest.  The wonderful Generation Y group actually has the time, but use it inefficiently between watching YouTube videos, texting and walking (while not looking where they are going), bragging about how little gluten they’ve eaten this week, taking selfies, and not paying back student loans.  Quick tangent on food … trendy foods that millennials eat are not necessarily all that healthy.  “Wholesome” items like gluten free items like pizza are nowhere near nutritious. Yes the dough doesn’t have gluten, but large quantities of melted cheese and processed meats are never part of a healthy diet (By the way, if one doesn’t suffer from Celiac disease, it’s usually completely fine to eat gluten.  Gluten doesn’t make one obese, all the carbs and sugar in that bag of gluten free cookies marketed as “organic” or “natural” does).  For those unsure, kale salad dripping with ranch or blue cheese has essentially zero positive nutritional benefits.
Much to my chagrin, I’ve latched on to the organic food bandwagon to make sure my little one doesn’t get overexposed to unnecessary antibiotics. With that being said, I keep to purchasing organic products from the dirty dozen and that’s it.  I’m not getting bamboozled into buying idiotic things like organic breakfast cereals or crackers.  Methinks Post, Nabisco, General Mills, etc. aren’t really separating their huge assembly lines into organic versus inorganic.  Moreover, if one looks at the label for organic cereal makers like Kashi, it shows higher amounts of total carbs and sugar than a comparable cereal.  Interestingly enough, almost instantly after Amazon purchased Whole Foods, they dramatically dropped the prices on a host of items.  Exhibit A that spending twice the price for an organic item is a scam.  I know it’s difficult to accurately suss out truth from fiction regarding organic vs. inorganic vs. natural vs. GMO, but millennials aren’t buying organic items to be healthy.  They’re doing it for the illusion of being healthy.  This can easily be deduced by research which shows the obesity rate in America continues to increase, the majority of millennials do not exercise, and that roughly a third of them smoke and use illegal drugs.  In total fairness, Gen Ys do tend to opt for healthier (more natural) options than the previous generations, however, they tend to consume more food (total calories) than their predecessors.  At any rate, I buy very select organic junk, not to be braggadocios like millennials, but to not expose a baby to only God knows what before they have the chance to make the choice themselves.

A Few Other Millennial-esque Things I Have Regrettably Starting Doing:
Not answering the phone when people call, despite having just texted them right back – When people do this it makes me sick.  Millennials don’t talk on the phone because they have no social skills. Not only that, if they’re on the phone, they can’t be on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Tinder, and Whatsapp at the same time.  Much to my chagrin, I have become one of those people who will text, but can’t talk on the phone immediately after.  My hands may be wet washing bottles, kiddo may have thrown my phone somewhere that I can’t reach, or I may want the house quiet to make sure Jr. stays asleep.  Any of those situations results in me appearing to be the pretentious millennial who can’t type a message, but is too important to allow verbal communication.

Reading things only on electronics – The classic Fahrenheit 451 tells the story of a future society where books are outlawed.  It seems like that’s already the case with millennials.  Every piece of information they glean is from a phone, tablet, laptop, or monitor.  I would venture to guess that at some point libraries will vanish; moreover, learning the Dewey Decimal System went the way of the 8-track player.  I don’t pick up books much anymore because there’s no time.  Kids are time vampires; they abolish the possibility of a full night of sleep, and when they’re awake, they crave attention.  Reading books was fun, I hope to do it again one day.  In addition, babies like to destroy things.  Pick up a book or leave it lying around, and they’ll tear pages, spill food/drinks on it, or spit up all over it.  Novels and babies don’t mix.

Texting someone in the same building as me – I see Gen Y people doing this, and it baffles me. Go into any restaurant and it’s rare not to see two young people at a table ignoring each other and texting away.  It really wouldn’t surprise me if every once and again they forget, and send texts to one another.  Anyway, sometimes my wife and I will have to text when we’re both at home, but for the sole purpose of not waking up the baby. I reiterate, the lesson as always is to never awaken a sleeping baby unless there is a bottle or breast ready to stick in their face.

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