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How to Save the WNBA

24 Jun

This article was originally submitted on June 5, 2011. Due to good reader response, we decided to run it again.

skylar diggins

This is Skylar Diggins.

10. Re-draft all the players and pick the two hottest women as team captains - This should be fairly easy if you picked the obviously cute women first (believe me, there will only be a few of them), then picked the women that do not look like men, and finally choose the women that look like Dennis Rodman after a month-long trip to Vegas. This will not help the quality of play, but it could make the game a little more…ahem, attractive. Skylar Diggins gets first pick obviously.

9. Give away prizes to people that actually attend the game - People think that Oprah is insightful and compassionate. No, she does not like or care about people and their asinine problems; she is a billionaire. But, she does give away cars every season to the people that listen to her tripe-filled, hour long shows. Oprah is an evil genius who controls the minds of millions of women. Learn from her. Giving away free stuff draws people to businesses. And at worse, if no one likes their free gifts at the games, the homeless population will get a few free shirts and backpacks.

basketball - larry johnson - grandmama

8. Let one NBA player play in drag in each game - Following in the footsteps of Grand Ma Ma, Tyler Perry, Steve Urkel, and Big Mama’s House, let two guys put on dresses and play basketball as women. At least one player on the basketball court would be able to dunk the basketball in every game and we might even see an occasional crossover. Men and women could come to the games wearing mu-mu’s and high-tops and cheer for their favorite cross-dresser. It works in the movies, it should work here.

7. Exchange at least three players from each WNBA team with three women’s professional volleyball players - Some of the same skills that are used in volleyball, lay the foundation for being a great basketball player. Specific skills like jumping, timing, positioning, and hand eye-coordination are used almost identically in basketball and volleyball. The women are taller in volleyball too, which translates well to basketball. Also, volleyball players are hot. Basketball players usually are not.

6. Raise the length of the shorts 6 inches and give the option for a peep cut on the jerseys - The WNBA lacks the overall sexiness of the NBA. That needs to change. The players could also exchange their sneakers for high heels and put on full make-up before each game. They should get rid of baggy shorts altogether. Basketball athletes run miles everyday. They should show off the rewards of all their hard work. If someone wanted to drop the neckline on WBNA outfits, that would be okay too. A little cleavage never hurt anybody… unless you slept with the woman that could crush cans with her boobs, but I digress.

australia womens basketball

5. Make all teams change their uniforms to the form-fitting Australian national team outfits - The Australians have it all figured out when it comes to advertising. Their national team rocked legless catsuits for the Olympics. The same basketball team posed for “artistic” photos to sell their calenders and raise money for some cause that no one remembers because they were naked.

4. Encourage women to celebrate like Brandy Chastain -The athletes of the WNBA should be encouraged to celebrate every goal by running down the court in a full sprint, ripping off and throwing their jersey into the air, while sliding across the court on their knees. The crowd of fathers bringing their daughters to see the game, former women’s basketball players, and lesbians would probably all celebrate too. That’s my idea of a party.

3. Take all post-game interviews in the locker room - We are all about equal rights here at If reporters are allowed into men’s locker rooms immediately after games when they are dressing, showering, and grooming while shirtless, then women should be interviewed under the same conditions. It is time for a change in this male-dominated society towards completely equal rights, and we should definitely start this revolution at interviewing women in the showers.

2. Make new hockey-friendly rules where players are allowed to fight - Whenever there is a disagreement on the basketball court, the referees should bring out a large kiddie pool, two bottles of baby oil, and let the women settle their disagreements in grudge match. They should also encourage clothes tearing, hair-pulling, and biting. Maybe light spanking too, because they have been naughty girls.

1. Play games shirts vs. skins - If everything else does not work. They should just bring basketball back to its roots on the playground and play shirts versus skins. Old school is always best way to do anything.

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