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Why Are You on the Court?

19 Jun

Everybody has been to a basketball court and seen these guys. The girls in the stands, that have never watched basketball in their lives, are rolling on the floor in laughter watching these idiots attempt to score. The guys on the court are pissed that they are on the same team with them. Yet, the lame basketball dude still exists on every court in America. It has to stop. Only through recognizing them, can we rid them from our courts.


1. The Lame Tattoo Guy

This guy has a tattoo of a flaming basketball with his name written across it, sitting in the middle of a picture of his home state etched onto his bicep, with the the words “Home City’s(New York’s, Miami’s, Chicago’s, Houston’s) Finest” in Old English inscribed under it. Strangely, this guy couldn’t score the basketball if his life depended on it. He can dribble, but makes no impact on the outcome of the game. This guy must be stopped.

sweaty basketball

2. The Fat, Sweaty Hairy Guy that Takes off His Shirt

This guy looks like he’s wearing a wool sweater under his t-shirt, and once he hits the court it comes off. He now closely resembles a grizzly in Air Jordan’s, and you have to guard him. Chest to chest. Man to bear in the post. He scores because you don’t want to touch him. All you see is rolls of fat and colored cotton balls rumbling towards you. You can’t distinguish between his perspiration and yours on your shirt, and all you can do is wait for the next game.


3. The Lame Sportswear Guy

a. The “I wear all the gear” guy – This dude shops religiously at Footlocker. He has the authentic baby blue, North Carolina jersey and shorts, the matching headband, and a wristband on his wrist, forearm, bicep, and forearm, despite never having played or attended North Carolina or any other college. This would all be forgivable if he were a decent basketball player. He’s terrible.

b. The ‘”Whoever” is my favorite player’ guy – This guy wears an Allen Iverson jersey because his high school girlfriend told him they resembled each other when he had braids. He tries to crossover like Iverson. He tries to shoot like AI. He fails miserably at it all. Or maybe he wears a Kobe jersey and only shoots fade away’s…air-ball fade away’s. He is absolutely infuriating and talentless.


4. The Snowbird/Cherry-Picking Guy - There is always a fast break when this guy is on the floor. Unfortunately, it’s normally for the other team. 5 on 4. The snowbird doesn’t play defense. He waits at half court waiting for you to rebound the basketball and throw it to him, so he can score easily. Games end very quickly with this guy on your team. You usually lose.


5. The Black Hole - The ball goes into him, but it never comes out. There is no shot that looks bad to this douche. Two guys guarding him? He takes a three. Three guys guarding him? He takes the fade away. There is no shot he won’t take, and he will prove it every time he touches the ball.


6. The Coach - This guy knows every fact ever imagined about basketball. He understands coaching philosophy and theory. Unfortunately, putting theory into application is far more difficult than it sounds. The guy that can’t shoot, dribble, pass or run up the court three times without passing out gives out the most advice on how to play together.

7. The Guy Who Fakes an Injury After He Misses - You suck. You know it, but you won’t admit it. Your knee/ankle/shoulder was fine when you scored on the play before.


8. The Old Guy - He’s been reminiscing about his glory days when they won the state championship and he decides to make a return to the court…after 30 years. He fouls mercilessly, misses shots, and keeps telling you about how great he was…30 years ago. He scores once and tells you how good he really was…30 years ago. Just then, on the very next play, he becomes the guy who fakes an injury after he misses.


9. The Takes Everything Too Seriously Guy - This guy may or not be able to play basketball well. However, the score is now 2-1 and this guy is running and screaming like the world is coming to an end. The game isn’t over until one of us scores 15 points. Relax, dude. We have time to catch up. If you miss a shot in the game, he’s frustrated. If he misses, he’s holding back tears. This is not your livelihood. We are not playing for a NBA championship.


10. The White Guy - Here’s your “White Men Can’t Jump” reference and stereotypical comment for the year. For every Billy Hoyle(a white guy that hustled black guys in the movie and could really play), there are fifty white guys who have never played organized basketball in their lives and really stink up the court. When a white guy hits the basketball court, regardless of talent level, size, or any prior knowledge of the game, he is expected to hit open shots and have an innate understanding of the it. When he comes to a court he has to be unstoppable. This is completely unfair and based in ignorance, but so is the low number of minority white collar workers. I’d personally rather be stereotyped on the basketball court, than in the workplace.

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