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Ask A Black Guy: Black Superman or Black Batman?

16 Sep

By MJ5

black superman vs. black batman

In the Summer of 2013, the first Superman movie was released to try and capitalize on the success of the Dark Knight Batman series. In case you are wondering, Warner Brothers and DC Comics intentionally chose not to put these movies out at the same time to go against one another. These are the two most successful superheroes in the DC comic franchise, the last thing you want is them competing in the box office.

For all my true Comic Book fans yes, I know there is series of comics that these two go head-to-head in. Superman wins of course, but he should! He can stop a damn train with his hands!
I wanted to look at the facts from a black man’s perspective and try to see who comes out IF THEY WERE BLACK INSTEAD because:
1. I am a black man and I always get asked who I would rather be and,
2. I expected Superman to beat the shit out of Batman anyways when they fought.
I wanted to look at their individual attributes, personalities, Etc. and see what would happen if DC gave me Steve Urkel and P. Diddy instead of Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne.
Winner: Batman
This one was close to being a draw. Superman’s personality is open and approachable in the cape where Batman is closed and withdrawn. As a black man, I can more closely relate to Superman if he were black too. Reason being is that a black man has to jump way more hoops and do more than his white counterparts at work. I feel like Superman Monday through Friday because I have to be that much more damn Super in order to get promoted! Superman jumps tall buildings in a single bound and people still wouldn’t accept him no matter how many times he saved their asses! No matter what he did, Superman wasn’t good enough! Welcome to a new world Man of Steel!
Batman ends up winning here because no matter how many times he did good and fought evil, he still ended up being chased by the police! My vote here was easy because I think black men would more closely understand Batman’s dislike for the police. Superman was a squeaky clean guy who never had close calls with the police. Batman had to run from the police like he had warrants and an expired inspection sticker!
Another reason the Man of Steel loses here is because as a man that literally could do anything he wanted to, why didn’t he ever rob a bank or a clothes store? Superman is completely unstoppable and I believe if he were a black man, Superman would have stole something once or twice.
Close call but the Caped Crusader wins in a close one!
Winner: Batman
I always wondered what Superman is doing with all that money Clark is saving from the Daily Planet. You have to think that Clark is investing it because he doesn’t lead a very extravagant living. Figuring that investing and portfolios isn’t really what a lot of black men do, I have to take a point from Superman if he were black. Nice example and all, just not really realistic for the black man alter ego.
If Bruce Wayne were written as a black man, he would be the modern day equivalent of Diddy. Honestly, if Bruce Wayne were black, he would be throwing parties that would include strippers and champagne nightly! The other factor here is that Bruce Wayne didn’t earn the money he has – his parents left it him in the will when they died. The edge goes to Batman in this category because a lot of black men wont earn that kind of money, we will have to inherit it from an aunt that we did not know or hit the lottery. DC Comics showed me that its okay to spend money that you did not earn!
Considerations: Bruce Wayne in the Dark Knight series ran his company into the ground once it was given to him and filed bankruptcy. Thinking the same would hold true if it were a black Bruce Wayne, too.

Winner: Superman
Superman finally breaks through here with a black characteristic: his parents didn’t want him and sent him off to the country to live with some people he hardly even knew! Batman was close here, but in the black community both parents don’t get murdered at the same time by the same person normally. In the black community, its most likely one parent murdering the other (Jevon Belcher).
Another edge for Superman is that he can still talk to his parents when he wants to where Batman cant. That has to be an advantage in dealing with super villains. Batman had a butler when his parents died so I don’t think DC could have written him as a black man here as that is VERY, VERY, VERY rare that your parents get killed and you have a butler to take care of you. This just is not a very believable black man story.
Another boost to Superman’s black credibility is that when his parents shipped him off, they didn’t give a damn about who he ended up with and didn’t even care to check! Imagine how different Clark’s story would have been if he didn’t land on the Kent farm but instead landed in the hood in LA, New York, or Houston. This would have been a very different story for DC to write if little Superman’s ship would have landed anywhere else besides on that farm!


Winner: Batman, clear favorite
Let’s be completely honest, if Superman were cast as a black man, the only self respecting person you could fine to wear this ugly yellow and blue would have been Tyler Perry’s cross-dressing ass. There aren’t too many black men who would have looked okay in Superman blue and yellow.
The only advantage Superman’s costume would have had for black men is the emphasis on the crotch! Women would have called him Super for a whole other reason and that simply would have taken away from all his crime fighting abilities. For the most part, Batman’s costume allows for some flexibility in the underwear department. In Batman’s costume a black man could either wear boxers or boxer briefs (black men do not wear tighty whities).
Another reason Batman gets the nod in this category is because not too many black men would favor the stripping in public idea. Busting buttons on nice ass shirts gets expensive which is why we do not let our girlfriends and wives do it too often. Ripping out of shirts and finding somewhere safe to put your $300 Jordans’ is something that the black Superman would have to worry about constantly.
Batman’s costume is also favored by me because he saves the day when he feels good and ready to do so. Black Batman is not interested in being Johnny on the Spot saving people right when they’re in trouble! In an emergency, Black Batman would go home, eat, change, and procrastinate as long as possible, hoping someone else would handle it first.
*In all fairness, I had to use the updated costumes as my reference here because both costumes used to favor one another closely and Christopher Reeves looked completely gay in the 70s.


Winner: Superman
Having a 28 bedroom, 16 bath mansion is awesome and all but Black Batman has to worry about cleaning the damn thing after all these parties! Another thing Black Batman has to worry about is his mom or some relative coming to live with him if he has this big ass house! Rich black people’s relatives would have lived with him and messed up his freedom to fight crime when he wanted to. Also Black Batman would have to worry about paying the yearly taxes on this big house and we have seen black lottery winners fail at this multiple times; black people don’t do to well with paying taxes on big mansions. Black Batman would have lost his house in foreclosure or would have had the Home Owner’s Association take it. Points also taken away from Black Batman’s crib because the FIRST black woman you bring to this mansion is not going to want to leave! She is going to want to stay, leave her toothbrush in your bathroom, and hide hair ties and scarves all around your mansion.
Black Superman’s Ice House is definitely preferred. Black Superman wont have to worry about black women groupies just popping up because he is in the middle of nowhere! No neighbors complaining when you play your loud rap music. No landscaping fees. No Home Owners. No relatives will ever want to come live with you because black people do not volunteer to live in cold areas unless its because of a GOOD paying job. If fighting crime is the most important things to Black Superman, the Ice House is preferable because you do not have all the extra distractions. One advantage of the Ice House is that all of Superman’s visitors never seemed to get cold INSIDE of it.
The best advantage of Black Superman’s crib in the cold nowhere is that he wont have to deal with no damn ROACHES! I think there is a minimum temperature that roaches don’t survive so you can leave food out overnight without having to worry. Black Superman wont have to deal with them when he gets home and turns on the light after a hard day of fighting evil.
And there you have it. Black Batman pulls out a close victory against Black Superman, 3-2. Black Batman is a much more believable superhero than Superman. He lost his parents to a shooting crime, he has a good sense of fashion, and most importantly, Batman is just a cooler super hero.

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