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The 10 Guys You Will See in Fantasy Football

17 Sep

Like any other part of your life, fantasy football is full of people that you would not spend time around if you were not stuck together by outside forces. Playing in a fantasy football league is like being at your job on a Monday or like being stuck in the house with your in-laws, you always have to do more work than you should do, and you have very little control over your interactions with others. Your league will inevitably be full of specific idiots who will make your life miserable with their forced conversations, and constant group texts and posts about their team and your fantasy football season. These are the men you will see in your fantasy football league.


The Rookie

This guy does not have a clue. He asks everyone from his mother to his accountant to his game day opponent for fantasy football advice, and his squad is full of team defenses, kickers, and tight ends. This is the guy who drafted four quarterbacks in a league that only plays one quarterback, but somehow is competitive every week. He is guaranteed to take a place at the top of your league. Rookies always do. He has never watched a full football game before this season, but he will beat you for a spot in the playoffs after he asks you whether he should start Tom Brady against the worst defense in the league or the quarterback who Ryan Fitzpatrick against the best secondary in football. Luckily for you, he will never place as high in your league as he did in this year.

football - fan - steelers

The Homer

The homer loves his city, and his fantasy football team reflects his affection. Unfortunately, unless he lives in Pittsburgh (NFL royalty who never really has a bad team), that means that his fantasy football team is not very good. The home team guy might as well be a rookie, because he picks his players without any real regard for their ability to score fantasy football points. He is more worried about getting the entire Los Angeles Rams’ roster on his team than actually winning games. This guy shows up to the draft with his authentic team jersey on his back, a baseball cap with the franchise logo, and his autographed Rams football for good luck. He never wins the championship, and he never places last either.


The Guru

The guru can tell you how weather conditions affect the top 15 quarterbacks in the league. He knows whether each stadium in the NFL is open or domed. A guru can recognize offensive formations from the television and predict where plays are going based on the offensive sets. Their fantasy football rosters are full of players with names you would not recognize even if you all grew up in the same neighborhood. And, his roster full of no-name guys destroy the league every year. Nobody wants this guy in their league. He has a sixth sense about stats, and is almost impossible to beat. He is a trade Nazi, vetoing every proposed trade on the waiver wire out of spite.


The Living Legend

Legends die hard in the hearts and minds of people, and this man was the best athlete that the fantasy football crew had ever seen in real life. He was the captain of the football team, he played scholarship ball at the big university, and was one small injury away from playing professional sports. Because of his background in sports, the legend has some insight into the game of fantasy football. However, he rarely wins it all because he does not rely on numbers. Some former football athletes fair far worse than the average fantasy football guys because they see the value of players to their football teams, but can not see how effective those players are in scoring fantasy points.


The Overzealous One

Every fantasy football league has one guy who tries to make up for his complete lack of natural athleticism by excelling at imaginary football. He always fails. He spends his time listening to fantasy football podcasts, has subscribed to ESPN the magazine solely for their weekly version of who to sit and who to play, and trolls the waiver wire every day for fantasy football gems who are sitting there unclaimed. Every week, he drops solid fantasy football scorers for players who had one good week and never duplicate their success again in the season. His team is a carousel of players, some good and some bad. But, this guy can not figure out which ones are worth keeping and which ones should be let go.


Zero Fox Guy

He missed the draft. He never remembers to set his team, and he seems to always play two to three players who are on a bye-week or the injured list. This guy does not care. He abandons his team for work, family, or whatever else he does instead of playing fantasy football after the Week 5 games. His approach to fantasy football is so haphazard and lackadaisical that you feel like a douchebag for caring about your team at all. It makes you question why you play the game at all. He does not care about winning or losing in your league, and you can not figure out why he plays every year. But, somehow everything comes together for him when you play each other, and he beats you.


The Benedict

This is the worst guy to ever play fantasy football. He lacks a moral compass and should be booted from any and every fantasy football group the moment he thinks about joining them. In fact, this man should be publically caned for his fantasy football transgressions. The benedict gets pissed because his team has underperformed all year, and in a fit of rage, he gives all his decent players to one of your opponents creating an unstoppable team for them right before the playoffs. He believes in chaos and will blow everything up to prove his melodramatic point. He is a traitor to his friends, and to the spirit of fantasy football altogether.


The Elephant

An elephant never forgets, but this Dumbo should let some memories go. He is living in fantasy football past. This is the guy who drafts Peyton Manning in 2016, the year after he retired. He will rattle off a list of football players who have not played in the NFL in years during the draft until he finally settles on a guy who is on the downside of his career. He wants Brett Favre or Ladainian Tomlinson with his first pick overall, but realizes that they have retired after everyone at the draft bursts into laughter. He’ll ask for Tony Gonzalez, and then get the oft-injured Antonio Gates at tight end. This guy is living in 2005, but he is an easy win in fantasy football.


Queen Midas

Queen Midas has a real knack for picking gems. She does not watch football games. She does not study specific fantasy football statistics. Every pick that she makes in her fantasy football draft is related to some non-football reason. She picked up Drew Brees in the draft because she is Catholic and he plays for the Saints. She drafted Julio Jones because she knows a Julio, and he is a good guy. She landed on Travis Kelce because the Chiefs wear her high school’s colors, red and yellow. Somehow, she wins games despite having no knowledge of the game of football. And yes, Queen Midas can absolutely be a heterosexual guy with no clue, however the guys who do not watch football games usually do not play fantasy football. Women play despite having no attachments to the game.


The Pun-ny Guy

Yes, that title was a pun about the ”funny” pun guys  in your league. The pun-ny guy names his squad “Deflate-Great” after the Tom Brady deflated balls incident of 2015 or “Show Me Your TDs” to get a few laughs. He changes the name of his team every week and forces everyone to look at his clever quips. This guy is more concerned with cracking jokes than with actually winning in his league.

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