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Rules for a One Night Stand

29 Nov

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1. There Is No Crying in One Night Stands

Emotions have no place in one night stands. There should be no tears during a hook-up unless some part of you is broken, torn, split, or otherwise ruined. The simple rules of a one night stand are if everything is consensual, then if there is no blood, then there is no foul. This is not a suggestion about your proposed decorum during a late night tryst. You let a complete stranger see your naughty parts after knowing them for a few hours. As long as they keep their freak flag under control, and are relatively attentive to your needs, smile and enjoy yourself. Even if you are dealing with the loss of your Grammy, your dog, and your virginity do not let one salty tear roll out of your eyes. Limb loss or a ripped taint are the only reason that justify crying during a one stand.


2. No Second Dates

Second dates are not promised after a one night stand. Of course, a proper gentleman would offer to take the woman that he just love-hammered out for coffee or lunch on a later date, but most men are not gentlemen. No expectations should be placed on your partner after both of you decide to sleep together on the first date. Leave your number if you enjoyed the company of your sex partner. Maybe they will call, maybe they will not. But. you can not force a person into another date regardless of if you sleep with them.

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3. Leave

Do not expect breakfast in bed after a one night stand. Do not expect a sweet breakfast date on the following morning. Do not expect anything. You are two adults who had a fun night together, not a bourgeoning, new couple forging their life together. When the sun hits the windows, get the hell out of the house. Leave a note saying that you had fun or send a text. Nothing is worse than a house guest who will not leave. And, that is what you are as a one night stand, a glorified house guest.


4. Wear A Condom

If you do not want fire flying out your privates, crusty sores on your face or between your legs, or to grow a third thumb, then use protection when you are having sex. In the sixties, unprotected sex lead to a bout with the clap and a week on antibiotics or immediate parenthood. Today, there are plenty of diseases that are incurable, and the possibility of making a baby still exists as a lifetime sentence of sacrifice and responsibility. Ladies, keep condoms near your bed because some men are absolutely willing to gamble with their penises when it comes to sex. Men keep an up-to-date pack of condoms on your person when you think you might have sex. Some women will let anyone between their legs. People who have one night stands are risk takers, and taking a risk with your health is something you can not afford to do.


5. Do Not Throw Up

If you are too drunk to walk, then take a raincheck on sex. There are very few things that are less sexy than a person who just threw up their sauerkraut-laced dinner attempting to stick their tongue down your throat. Among those things that register as decidedly less sexy than a mouthful of someone else’s vomit breath are actually being thrown up on, not being able to perform, waking up in a bed full of vomit, and waking up in a bed full of other bodily waste. These are real possibilities when you have a few too many drinks before sex, so make sure your stomach is settled before you try to have sex.


6. The Sex Will Suck

One night stands usually suck. The guys are only worried getting theirs. The women are more worried about not being murdered in their sleep by a weirdo or not looking too slutty than getting off. Sex in a one night stand will probably be pretty bad, so set the bar low.


7. Your One Night Stand Looked Better Last Night

Everything is better when you are drunk, and last night you were plastered. Your date looked like a solid 9 when you brought him/her back to your place for a little nightcap, but you woke up next to a iffy 5. Beer goggles are real, and drunk you is way less picky than sober you regardless of sexual orientation, gender, or sexual identity. Accept it.

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