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Making Men’s Lives Better: Random Wisdom from a Smart Guy

15 Jan

Every now and then, guys need a little helpful advice to guide them through the daily struggles of just being a man. Men come under constant scrutiny from a litany of aggressors that address a multitude of problems that past generations have not faced. In layman’s terms, it is hard out there for a man. If you are White, you have to deal with the other ethnicities, sexes, genders, and minorities beginning to find some semblance of equality after 400 years of unencumbered oppressiveness. If you are over the age of 14, then you have to navigate the #MeToo movement while suppressing your desire to pee on women in a non-aggressive way. If you are over the age of 45, then you have to worry about erectile dysfunction. Or maybe, don’t worry about it because that exacerbates the problem. The point is that being a man is more difficult now than it has ever been. Here is a little unwarranted advice on how to get through the world of today while being the modern man.

professional baby mother

Brynn Cameron will never have to work again. She is a professional baby momma with children from NBA superstar Blake Griffin and Matt Leinart of the NFL.

Don’t Date “Public Figures”

Social media represents a field of potential landmines for men. One wrong statement about a hot button topic in the virtual world, and you can be ostracized in the real world. People are losing their jobs over ignorant comments that they made online because the internet has made the world much smaller and more accessible than it has ever been. And, social media has changed the game for women. Beautiful women have become public figures on Instagram or Snapchat, and can make a decent living by just being pretty. When you add that newly found power shift to the scientific fact that every woman under the age of 35 thinks that they deserve to be with a man who is rich and/or famous, then you have a legitimate recipe for disaster for men. We may have always been in over our heads with women, but with social media men are officially outmatched. Average guys have no shot at Instagram hotties because celebrities often fawn over them just long enough to sleep with them (raising their imagined status). Joe Citizen cannot keep a hot chick who has over 10,000 followers because he has to fight off Drake, all the other rappers, and all the professional athletes in the world for their attention. Rappers and pros are willing to spend thousands of dollars in a night flying women to expensive locations in order to bed the exotic “model” with a crazy figure i.e. India Westbrooks or Hannah Stocking. Joe Citizen barely makes thousands of dollars in a month. When the most popular millionaires in the world are after your girlfriend, especially when said millionaires are also better looking than you and in perfect shape, you are going to lose your girlfriend. But, celebrities should not waste their time with social media divas either. Those athletes and entertainers are in a unique position where they have nothing to gain from engaging with a social media “public figure” other than sex. If the “model” sleeps with a celebrity and posts pictures or videos of the encounter on social media, then that celebrity faces public embarrassment and stands to lose endorsements (especially if he is married or in a relationship), which ultimately means he loses money. In the same scenario, the “model” gains popularity from the scandal, and gets more followers which equals more money for her. And, if the Instagram model gets pregnant, then she really gets paid. She can officially retire from any hard work because she has essentially “earned” a monthly paycheck worth 25% of that celebrity’s financial value for the next 18 years. Child support is the end goal for a lot of women on social media.

me too movement


Guys please listen. If you are not saying something in support of women or imparting your own personal story into the #MeToo conversation as a man, then quietly disembark from all talk about the subject. You cannot win an argument concerning sexual misconduct, sexual harassment, or sexual assault because any disagreement on the subject of abuse comes across as misogynistic and oppressive. Men have it pretty good. Besides being physically bigger and stronger than women, men are also placed in higher positions of power than women. They abuse this power.  A “Me Too” conversation is not the time for you talk about how the movement unfairly victimizes men. This is not the time for you to talk about how women are using the movement to progress their careers instead of moving towards healing. This is not the time to differentiate between a bad sexual encounter and sexual assault or rape. This is also not the time to take up for celebrities like Aziz Ansari or Casey Affleck, or talk about the statute of limitations on accusations of sexual misconduct. Anything that you say other than giving a clear affirmation that sexual harassment, misconduct, and assault is wrong sounds like a clear message that you either hate or do not respect women. Take this message from a woman that you love, your mother. If you do not have something nice to say, then say nothing at all. So, shut up with all your off-base comments on #MeToo. And, on a related note….

black lives matter movement02

Black Lives Matter

Matters of race are just as controversial and dangerous as sex topics for guys. There is no way to avoid sounding like an idiot or a flaming bigot when you denigrate any movement that is fighting for equality. Causes like Black Lives Matter do not promote Black and Brown lives being more important than other lives. They are pointing out the lack of importance that Black lives seem to have to the majority. People of color are not stealing jobs from more valuable candidates because of the creation and proliferation of affirmative action. Affirmative action was put in place to balance a system that under-educates, abuses, and ignores minorities. When you hear about a case of police brutality, do not ask if the victim had a criminal record or ask what the victim did to exacerbate the violence in the encounter. If your nephew was beaten by a group of police officers or shot and killed without a weapon being found on his person, would his criminal history matter to you? No. Do not start a conversation about how National Football League players who kneel during the national anthem to protest the aforementioned police brutality are unpatriotic and uncivil. The protest is not an affront on the national flag. It is a fight against inequality, and it is non-violent. Even if you disagree with the method that is being used, that does not dismiss the premise. You sound like an over-opinionated, under-informed segregationist zealot. A criminal record should not be a death sentence for minorities, and NFL players are protesting the flag because in their opinion, the flag represents an ideal of the equality that is not afforded a large number of people of color. Unarmed Black men are regularly relegated to more violence at the hands of police than armed, violent White men. And, this is not your opportunity to express how Black on Black crime is high, but the media ignores it. Black on Black crime is a separate issue to be addressed at a separate time because crime is a function of proximity. White on White crime is high. Brown on Brown crime is too. People commit crimes against the people who live near them and most people live in neighborhoods that consist of people with shared ethnicities. Look at government statistics before you make ignorant comments, and if you are considering making comments that antagonize an entire race of people, then just be quiet.

friend zone - getting out

Hot Women with No Dates

When a man says that he is not seeing anyone, his phone is as dry as the Sahara. There are no women in his life because women do not like him. He may be unattractive physically, he may be broke, or he may be an asshole, but this guy could not coax female kittens near him with cold cuts in his hands. But, that is not at all true for women. When a woman says that she is not dating anyone, especially a hot woman, that means that she does not like her options, not that there are no options. What does that mean to you? It means that until you impress her, she has at least eight guys who are vying for her time and affection. And, if you mess up, then she will ignore you like she has already ignored guys 9 and 10. Beautiful women always have choices, and if you are not her choice then you will be pushed aside completely, or worse, put into the friend zone purgatory. So, do yourself a favor and stop talking to her if she is not interested in you. You cannot change a woman’s mind once she has made a decision about you, and all the work that you put in trying to convince her of your worth will be be in vain. You will take her on shopping dates and hear about all the men that mistreat her. Depending on how comfortable she is with you, you may have to hear exactly all the sexual debauchery that happens in her life while she tells you what a great catch you will be for someone else. No man should endure this pain. When a lady tells you that she does not like you, believe her.

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