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The Most Unstoppable Moves in NBA History

22 Apr

moves - feature

By William Bixby

Tim Hardaway’s killer crossover – People now remember Tim Hardaway for a few homophobic comments made well after he retired from his NBA playing days. But, before Hardaway became a flaming bigot, he was the owner and inventor of the killer crossover. He was about 6’1” and 175 lbs. with a lightning quick first step and a mean handle. Hardaway would throw the basketball between his legs hard right, and then cross back left in front of his defender leaving them frozen in place. The play usually ended in a sweet floater or an easy assist.

 

Charles Barkley’s scoot – Charles Barkley was undersized compared to power forwards of his era. In fact, Barkley was undersized for a small forward. Though he was generously listed at 6’6”, his actual height was closer to 6’4”. Barkley had the height of a NBA shooting guard, but played and dominated in the post. Barkley had three assets that aided him in the paint, long arms, explosive leaping, and a big butt. He used that butt to back his defenders under the rim, and then finish over them. He pushed, scooted, and bullied his way to a Hall of Fame career.

 

Shaquille O’Neal’s spin move – Shaquille O’Neal was one of the biggest, most physically dominant players that the NBA has seen. Players had to use all their muscle and weight to fend him off in the post, so he was fouled on most plays. But, Shaq was as nimble as he was big. When he felt a smaller defender pushing with all his might against him, he spun quickly to the basket for an easy bucket. The man who could overpower anyone used their strength against them.

Magic Johnson’s no-look pass – The Laker’s fast break pushed offensive strategy boundaries and Magic Johnson’s no-look pass revolutionized basketball. Before him the standard of passing was the conventional chest pass and the standard of the misdirection was the simple ball fake. After Magic the one-handed bounce pass and the no-look pass became staples of the game. Magic would fly down the court at full speed look left and sling the basketball to a trailing teammate on the right effectively tricking the defense into guarding the wrong players.

 

Larry Bird’s jump shot – Larry Bird was one of the best shooters to ever grace the NBA with his presence. He is one of six players that have had a 50/40/90* year, and one of two players to do it more than once. He could really shoot the lights out, but at least part of the reason that Bird was so unstoppable was his unorthodox jump shot. He stood 6’9” and shot the basketball from behind his head with a ridiculously high release point. Bird shot could not be reached by defenders and was rarely blocked, because the basketball was never accessible.

 

Hakeem Olajuwon’s Dream Shake – Olajuwon’s Dream Shake was all predicated on his jump hook and his immaculate footwork. There is no clear way to explain his Dream Shake, because where he moved depended on where the defense was. That was the beauty of his move, it changed constantly. The shake that was most often referred to when talking about Olajuwon’s Dream Shake was when he fell out of bounds after faking an inordinate amount of times on the baseline. No one has ever seen that shot tipped.

 

Wilt Chamberlain’s drop step – Wilt was a freak athletically, and he made a simple move a staple of post play. He was bigger, faster, and stronger than anyone that he faced. Chamberlain learned that he could exploit defenders by getting them on his hip, turning to face the basket, and finishing over them. He was one of the most prolific scorers in the NBA history.

Michael Jordan’s fade away – Michael Jordan was the most pure scoring force that the NBA has seen. At shooting guard, he shot 49.7% from the field for his career which is incredible considering that his go to move was the fade away. Instead of the conventional, vertical jump that was the standard for jump shots, Jordan jumped away from his defenders, fading away from both contact and outstretched hands. With his outstanding athleticism, he could score in the face of double and triple teams on the basketball court. Jordan’s fade away could not be blocked.

 

Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s sky hook – Lew Alcindor was one of the most dominant players in high school history. When he moved to college, the NCAA instituted a rule that disallowed dunking to slow him. Instead of this rule stifling his game, it forced him to develop a new shot. He invented the most unstoppable shot in the history of basketball, the sky hook. Alcindor made a large sweeping motion with the ball extended, flicked his wrist and with a silky release hit the bottom of the nets. In the NBA, he changed his name to Kareem Abdul Jabbar and went on to score more points than anyone in NBA history with the sky hook. It could not be blocked by the primary defender and was difficult to alter by secondary defenders. The sky hook was the most unstoppable move in NBA history.

*50/40/90 is an exclusive club where the players shoot 50% from the field, 40% from the three point line, and 90% from the free throw line. To qualify as a leader in field goal percentage a player needs at least 300 field goals, for three point percentage a player needs at least 55 three point field goals, and for free throw percentage a player needs at least 125 free throws. Only six players have accomplished a 50/40/90 season, Larry Bird, Mark Price, Reggie Miller, Steve Nash, and Dirk Nowitzki. Only Nash and Bird have done it twice. Nash has done it in 4 of the last 5 seasons.

What Not to Say to Women

19 Apr

never say - slap

1. Yes, you look fat in…, that dress, that top, that skirt, nothing, those earrings, or whatever – A significant amount of women are overly insecure about their appearance. By answering their question truthfully, you have confirmed all their insecurities about themselves and started a few new issues in your relationship. The issues include, but are not limited to: “If he thinks I’m fat, will he leave me for someone prettier?”, “He must not love me enough, if he thinks I’m fat.”, and “Did that bastard just call me fat?” The truth about her weight is more harmful than a slight deflection or even a blatant lie. The correct answer to “Do I look fat in this?” is, “You look good to me, but I don’t know anything about fashion.”… unless your name is Ralph Lauren, in which case you are screwed.

2. What are those? Double D’s? – First, you should not ogle a woman’s breasts no matter how perfect and pendulous they might be. You should not stare at them regardless of how they sway majestically as she glides towards you in slow motion. You should not focus intently on them in an attempt to see the outline of a brassiere or the complete absence of a brassiere. But, if you do all this and the woman that you are now “boob stalking” has not kneed you in the groin, then you should not further embarrass yourself by yelling out the most socially inappropriate question that a man can ask a woman.

3. How old are you? – No woman over the age of 25 is going to tell you the truth about her age initially. If she likes you and thinks that she is older than you, she might tell you a younger age. If she feels like she’s getting older too fast, she might tell you an older age. If she feels younger than she actually is, she might give you a younger age. Just wait until she tells you her age or shows you her driver’s license.

4. What are you, like 45-50 years old? – This is only acceptable if she is clearly 70-80 years old. And since you are not that perceptive, you still should not say this.

5. Congratulations, when are you due? – Strangely, women are not pleased when people mistakenly congratulate them on being pregnant. Instead of focusing on the positives of pregnancy like the glow of an expecting mother and the cute waddle that they have, they generally perceive your compliment as you calling them fat. It must be the hormones.

6. You sound just like your mom. – You are searching desperately for a knee to the groin.

Even if your mom is a former supermodel…

7. Your mom is hot. – No woman wants to think about you fantasizing about her mom, even if their mom is Christie Brinkley (shown above), Demi Moore, or Heather Locklear. Knee + Groin = Pain

8. She’s hot (when standing next to any woman). – Unless you are standing next to a lesbian who is staring at the same woman, you are being disrespectful. If you are standing next to your mother, then you are being aloof and disrespectful. If you are standing next to your sister, then you are being gross and disrespectful. If you are standing next to your boss, then are being disrespectful and getting fired for sexual harassment. And if you are standing next to your girlfriend/wife/significant other, then you are being disrespectful and will soon understand what happens when a knee meets your groin. See #7 if you have forgotten what happens.

9. Are those real? – If you do not know if they are real, then it is none of your business.

10. It’s not you, it’s me. – Leave this line at home locked in a vault never to be spoken. Women know that 9 times out of 10 times, when a guy breaks up with them, it is not because he needs time to discover himself. It is because he thinks that she is crazy, boring, or not hot enough. Save yourself from the endless tears and groin pain.

A Lesson About Your Reputation

18 Apr

man with his goat

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing….

“I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. We had to cut down trees to build the support structure. We dragged boulders from the mountains to help sustain the foundation. Then, we drove the pins into the bridge with sledge hammers to make sure that it did not fall apart. That bridge was built on the sweat of my back, but people won’t call you ‘the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!”

“I remember building that house over there when I was 30. I traveled out of state to cut the lumber for that house. The proper trees for that type of house do not grow here; they only grow in swamps. It took a week to get the wood back here, and months just to get the frame set perfectly. The actual building of the house took me two years. Most houses today are up in months, and they have to be torn down and rebuilt after twenty years. That house is still in pristine condition. But people won’t call you ‘the house builder’ if you do that. No, no they don’t!”

“I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. I have been drinking there fifty years. The stills that they use to make their own special house bourbon were built by me. The barstools and chairs were made by a specific technique that only twelve people in the world know. My grandfather taught me how to make the joints when I was a teenager. That tavern was one of my best works. But, if you do that people won’t call you ‘the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!”

“But, you fuck one goat…….”

 

Lesson: Your reputation is hard to build, but easy to sully. Be careful about what you do.

Reasons You Should Wait to Have Children

17 Apr

wait - responsibility

Children are the most wonderful gift that any couple could be given. They are little bundles of joy that make their parents more responsible, happier, and better people than they would have been without them. However, no person fully understands what it means to be a parent before they become one. Having children changes your life in ways unimaginable.

 

1. You will have no time – Your parents tell you that your children will take all of your time from the moment that they arrive, but you cannot totally comprehend what that means to the way that you live. From the very first day that your child is born, your child will be with you or your partner which means that you will have to factor the time it takes you to get your child ready into the time that it takes you to leave your house. For an infant, that could easily mean an extra hour between changing the baby’s diapers, getting the baby clothed, and feeding it. Once they reach school age, you will have programs and games to attend. Your children do not become self-sufficient until they are teenagers. All of your free time goes to the care of your child once you become a parent.

2. You will have no money – Kids cost money. Plain and simple. Those aforementioned programs are  financed by parents. In addition to the fundraisers and drives that you will be forced to participate in, you will have to pay for the costumes, uniforms, or nice clothing that your child has to wear. In fact, children require a large amount of clothing without extra school functions. Girls grow steadily and will need a continuous flow of clothing throughout the years. Boys grow sporadically and can completely outgrow new clothing that was purchased a month ago. If your child gets sick, you have to pay for the doctor, and they will get sick. Insurance rarely covers over 80% and you have to pay the deductible too. Your finances leave your pockets once you have children.

 

3. You will never be alone again – Raising a child is not like having a puppy. With the latter, you can stick it in a cage when you need some alone time or put it outside. Your son or daughter will be in your home, with you, until he or she is at least 18 years old. This means that you and your significant other have to schedule babysitters to regularly spend the necessary time that it takes to maintain a relationship. Your child will be attached to one of you until they get out of the house, so any extra-curricular activities have to wait until they are sleep.

 

4. You are responsible for another life – Your children are your responsibility. Parents have to know where their children are at all times, especially in the infant, toddler, and prepubescent stages. Younger kids have natural curiosity and find the most dangerous objects and chemicals with ease. Older children play roughly with each other and injure themselves and others. Kids in puberty are still difficult to guide because their changing hormones make them more likely to take risk and make poor decisions. Your life will become a vicious cycle of worrying about your children. How is this affecting them? How are they affecting others? What can you do to affect anything? Children are the leading cause in adult anxiety.

5. You decide your child’s success in life – You are responsible for guiding your child’s decisions. Every word that you say and every behavior that you show them molds their actions toward a goal and thus shapes their future. You become an example of  how to live whether you choose to or not. Their actions reflect your ability or inability to teach them sound reasoning and decent morality. Suddenly, every one of your actions affect the person that is closest to you. That is a lot of pressure for anyone.

 

6. You are selfish – Honestly, you are too self-centered to have a child. All the attention and focus of your life shifts when you have a child. You can no longer spend quality time with your partner and your sex life will be non-existent for the first few months after their birth. Think about that for a moment. No sex. You are in the prime of your canoodling years, and the baby will force you to go thrustless for months on end. Women can not see past the baby’s needs. Men can not see past the their insecurities.

Having a child transforms your lifestyle into a shell of itself. You will be worn out, penniless, sexually frustrated, and completely engulfed in the life of your little one, and so will your partner. If you can afford to wait to have children, then wait. They are the most precious gift that you will ever receive, but once they are on the way into this world, your life will never be the same.