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Rules for a One Night Stand

29 Nov


one night stand02

1. There Is No Crying in One Night Stands

Emotions have no place in one night stands. There should be no tears during a hook-up unless some part of you is broken, torn, split, or otherwise ruined. The simple rules of a one night stand are if everything is consensual, then if there is no blood, then there is no foul. This is not a suggestion about your proposed decorum during a late night tryst. You let a complete stranger see your naughty parts after knowing them for a few hours. As long as they keep their freak flag under control, and are relatively attentive to your needs, smile and enjoy yourself. Even if you are dealing with the loss of your Grammy, your dog, and your virginity do not let one salty tear roll out of your eyes. Limb loss or a ripped taint are the only reason that justify crying during a one stand.


2. No Second Dates

Second dates are not promised after a one night stand. Of course, a proper gentleman would offer to take the woman that he just love-hammered out for coffee or lunch on a later date, but most men are not gentlemen. No expectations should be placed on your partner after both of you decide to sleep together on the first date. Leave your number if you enjoyed the company of your sex partner. Maybe they will call, maybe they will not. But. you can not force a person into another date regardless of if you sleep with them.

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3. Leave

Do not expect breakfast in bed after a one night stand. Do not expect a sweet breakfast date on the following morning. Do not expect anything. You are two adults who had a fun night together, not a bourgeoning, new couple forging their life together. When the sun hits the windows, get the hell out of the house. Leave a note saying that you had fun or send a text. Nothing is worse than a house guest who will not leave. And, that is what you are as a one night stand, a glorified house guest.


4. Wear A Condom

If you do not want fire flying out your privates, crusty sores on your face or between your legs, or to grow a third thumb, then use protection when you are having sex. In the sixties, unprotected sex lead to a bout with the clap and a week on antibiotics or immediate parenthood. Today, there are plenty of diseases that are incurable, and the possibility of making a baby still exists as a lifetime sentence of sacrifice and responsibility. Ladies, keep condoms near your bed because some men are absolutely willing to gamble with their penises when it comes to sex. Men keep an up-to-date pack of condoms on your person when you think you might have sex. Some women will let anyone between their legs. People who have one night stands are risk takers, and taking a risk with your health is something you can not afford to do.


5. Do Not Throw Up

If you are too drunk to walk, then take a raincheck on sex. There are very few things that are less sexy than a person who just threw up their sauerkraut-laced dinner attempting to stick their tongue down your throat. Among those things that register as decidedly less sexy than a mouthful of someone else’s vomit breath are actually being thrown up on, not being able to perform, waking up in a bed full of vomit, and waking up in a bed full of other bodily waste. These are real possibilities when you have a few too many drinks before sex, so make sure your stomach is settled before you try to have sex.


6. The Sex Will Suck

One night stands usually suck. The guys are only worried getting theirs. The women are more worried about not being murdered in their sleep by a weirdo or not looking too slutty than getting off. Sex in a one night stand will probably be pretty bad, so set the bar low.


7. Your One Night Stand Looked Better Last Night

Everything is better when you are drunk, and last night you were plastered. Your date looked like a solid 9 when you brought him/her back to your place for a little nightcap, but you woke up next to a iffy 5. Beer goggles are real, and drunk you is way less picky than sober you regardless of sexual orientation, gender, or sexual identity. Accept it.

How Not to Piss Off Your Waiter

28 Nov

eatout - menu

1. Do Not Say That You’re in a Rush - If you are in a rush, then do not go to a restaurant. Eat at home. If you ask the kitchen to put your food ahead of all the other food, then you have in essence said screw everybody else who has accurately planned out enough time to eat because you think that you are more important than them. That makes you a douche bag. Your food will be dry because it has been cooked too fast, your waiter will be pissed because he has to spend more time and effort with you, and you will not get wherever you are trying to go in time. Inevitably, the person that says that they are in a rush orders both an appetizer and a dessert along with their meal which insures that they will not get to their destination in 30 minutes. Save your server and yourself a headache and go to Mickey D’s.

2. Don’t Say I’m Allergic - Why would you trust your life or the life of your kids to someone who can not figure “no onions?” That makes you a suicidal idiot. There is always a chance that something that you are allergic to will touch something that you ordered. Have you ever ordered a hamburger with no onions and that lone sliver of onion sneaks into the sandwich? If your allergies are life threatening then eat at home. Half of the desserts in big restaurants have nuts in them and some fried foods are cooked in peanut oil. Nut allergies are unavoidable. And, do not say that you are allergic to garlic, onions, or salt. Anything that you order will have one of them in it. If you consistently tell your waiter that you are allergic to food in a restaurant, then you are a liar or you should live in a bubble. Eat at home.


3. Don’t Change the Dish - “Ummm, I a want the Blackened Mahi Mahi with the Lemon-Garlic Butter Sauce, but can I have chicken instead of the fish and can I have a tomato sauce instead of the the lemon sauce. Oh, and can I have fries instead of the rice that this comes with. Wait, you don’t have fries? What kind of restaurant doesn’t have fries?” A classy one, you assbag. Do not be this person. Your waiter hates you. He or she is thinking of different ways to murder you without leaving witnesses. And at the end of it all, your waiter is going to forget one of the five things that you wanted changed.

4. Don’t Ask What the Sides Are - You have a menu you numb nut. Use it. Thirty people a day ask a waiter what the sides are despite the answer sitting literally right under their noses. Do not be one of them. Instead, ask where the sides are on the menu.


5. Don’t Ask What the Specials Are - The only people that ask what the specials are, are people looking for a deal. If you are can not afford to buy a meal, then do not eat out. There is a distinct difference between asking if there are any special dishes that are off the menu that the chef recommends and asking for the cheap lunch specials. Your waiter is being paid $2.13 an hour to serve you food and keep you hydrated, not to entertain your stupid questions about price values. An expensive restaurant is not the place to try to hunt for a bargain.


6. Don’t Send Your Food Back - There is absolutely no reason to ever do this. You are going wait thirty minutes for your food if you have a particularly spiteful waiter, and your palate is not so sensitive that you can not get through whatever sounded really good to you from the menu. If the food is burnt, raw, or has someone’s DNA in it, then send it back. If the meal that you ordered does not taste the way that imagined it tasting, suck it up. Life is a gamble.

If the restaurant has a tip pool, then the waiter is actually paying money for this guy to eat.

7. Do Not Skimp on the Tip - Here is a Public Service Announcement for all the poor, backwoods yokels, the ignorant inner city adventurers, and/or the cheap foreign people that go out to eat at restaurants in America. The standard tip percentage is 15%. Not 10%. Not $5. It is 15% at any establishment of fine dining. You are ripping off your waiter when you do not tip properly. Your server is being paid two dollars an hour to smile at you and your terrible attitude, to ignore your yelling kids who are destroying the table and wasting food and drinks on themselves, the table, and floor, and to get good food out to you and two other tables in a timely fashion. And, some restaurants charge their servers a percentage of their tips which means that when you do not tip your servers are actually paying the store for you to eat. People who shaft waiters are wastes of oxygen. Do not be that person.

How to Win a Championship in the NBA

27 Nov

Sacramento Kings v Los Angeles Lakers

Winning championships in the National Basketball Association is not completely contingent on talent, though a certain level of physical ability is necessary. The aptitude of a team is predetermined by the management’s ability to find certain, specific traits in players individually and in their team as a whole. Often, the general managers overlook the smaller subtleties of creating a balanced, cohesive unit while trying to put together a talented team, like the Atlanta Hawks. Or, they put together a team that plays well together, but cannot compete because they are athletically inferior. Putting together a winner depends on finding the right parts and putting them in a position to be successful.

1. Have an identity – The 1980’s Showtime Lakers blew by their opposition with most explosive fast break in NBA history. The 1988-90 Detroit Pistons played hard-nosed defense and did not allow anyone into the paint without some physical contact or a hard foul. The 1991-93 and 1994-96 Chicago Bulls used Tex Winters’ patented, triangle offense to post and slash their way to NBA championships. Great champions are determined by style. They impose their style and their will onto games and force their opponents into playing outside of their comfort zone. Each one of those historically great teams had a signature style of play predicated by a unique head coach. When building a franchise, the coach that manages the inflated egos of superstars and the game-time decisions must be decisive, motivational, and insightful. All of the aforementioned styles of play were taught by Hall of Fame coaches, Pat Riley, Bill Fitch, and Phil Jackson, respectively.

2. Get a franchise player with a go-to move – What is the difference between Tim Duncan and Dwight Howard? What is the difference between Kobe Bryant and LeBron James? They are all considered to be franchise players, but there are are quite a few differences that separate these players. First, there are 8 championships separating Timmy, Dwight, Kobe and LeBron, Tim with 3, Kobe with 5, Dwight and LeBron with none.* Howard and James have infinitely more physical ability than their more successful counterparts. Numerous NBA champions, like Hakeem Olajuwon and Dwayne Wade, have won with the amount of talent that LeBron and Dwight have had around them, so why have they not won it all? A go-to move is the real difference between these players. When you think of great NBA champions, images of timeless plays are revisited. Hakeem Olajuwon with his “Dream Shake” and flawless footwork in the post, Michael Jordan shooting his unstoppable, fade away jump shot, and Magic Johnson throwing a no-look pass to his Lakers teammates play regularly on NBA films. NBA champions have players that can score every time that they touch the basketball, because of a polished move that they have refined over years of practice.

3. Draft well – Your franchise player needs some help. No NBA champion over the last 30 years has had less than three stars. The best teams have 4-5 players that can score twenty+ points on any given night. The teams that do this draft well. The best general managers find the most talented players that fit their teams’ needs and systems. The best teams in the league, like the Lakers and the Spurs, have general managers that do this particularly well. The general rule of drafting is to always take the best talent available, no matter what if the player is an elite athlete who makes the type of shots that the average NBA player cannot make. People that fell under this rule were players like Brandon Roy and Dwayne Wade from the NCAA tournament, and LeBron James, Kevin Garnett, and Kobe Bryant straight from high school. If an elite talent is unavailable, then you draft by team need. Two things that always translate from lower levels of basketball to the NBA are shooting and rebounding. So, GM’s should draft for whichever of the two skills in which their team is deficient.

4. Rebounding – Rebounds equal possessions.The better your big men are at rebounding, the better your team will do. General managers generally get the most gifted big men in an attempt to get more rebounding. This aspect of the game is the only situation where finding the most athletic guy, seldom works out admirably. Rebounding is completely about, technique, positioning, and desire. How high you can jump, has very little to do with who gets a rebound. Ideally, you procure the big man that wants the ball and is a superior athlete, but the two things are often separate. Rebounding is a lot like shooting the basketball, in that, some people will have a greater proclivity for it than others through sheer physical makeup, but the person that works harder than the others will be better, regardless of talent.

5. Defense - People say that defense wins championships. However, unless a basketball team is historically dominant on the defensive end, defense itself does not win championships. The sports pundits who believe that one end of the basketball court decides games are deluded, but defense is definitely necessary. A stout defense can carry a team to a title.The ability to make stops on the defensive end results in more possessions for the offense and thus more opportunities to score. Plus, it limits the scoring opportunities for the other team. Good defensive possessions bring momentum changes, especially when a block or steal leads directly to a score on a fast break .

Every National Basketball Champion in the history of the league has been among the league leaders in three categories, field goal percentage, defense, and rebounding. To build a winning team, you need a coach to make and teach the strategy, a franchise player with an unstoppable move, a team concept and personnel that are built in rebounding, and sound defensive philosophy. There is no other formula to NBA immortality.

*Editor’s Note: LeBron has since won three championship rings, and is always a favorite to win another ring because of his dominance on the court. But, LeBron has also worked on his back to the basket moves and his team goes to him in the post when they need a score. His post game has become his signature go-to move.

I’m at Home Playing Video Games, WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING?!

26 Nov


This article was originally posted on January 25, 2011. Due to a great response from our readers, we brought it back for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

By the Nice Guy A.K.A. Mr. Fantastic

wife hates video games

Since the advent of the Atari home console system in the late 1970′s (ATARI! Baby, YEAAAH!), the endless debate has weighed on:

“Why is he ALWAYS playing those DAMN video games?!”

“I’m at home playing video games, why won’t she STOP complaining?!”

In a selfless effort to save a few of your marriages and relationships, I’ll play mediator in an attempt to help both sides understand the view points and importance of the other on this matter. But I ask everyone to remember one thing … when TRUTH is present, CHANGE must take place.

Women, first as always, and as it should be, why do men play video games? Women, the answer to this is actually quite simple, please listen closely. Entertainment. Nothing more, nothing less. Men play video games because they are entertaining. The same reason we watch sports, hunt, hang with our buddies, drink; it’s just entertainment. The same reason we marry or date you all … you used to be entertaining. JOKING, JOKING, calm down! Don’t go cutting off all your hair. I’m just having fun, BUT remember, “Entertainment!” Men like to be entertained…

Now men, this is for you … and for the women as well, because we ALL know (especially the married men out there) that she’s not gonna let you have anything for yourself. She even needs to be a part of the advice you get from other men. And there my friend is your answer. Women are threatened by the idea that you could find any happiness outside of them. This is our biggest transgression against the women we love. While we find it utterly stupid, and make no mistake, IT IS! Women despise any and everything that you may remotely value over them. Dumb? YES! VERY! Because there’s nothing we value more than them. Women, we…are…men. You’re always on our minds. Guys, stop letting them guilt trip you into thinking you’re doing something wrong, YOU’RE NOT. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with spending time playing with a small little mechanical device that gives you such pleasure and joy, is there ladies?

Which brings me to my next point. Women, why ALL the complaining? Wives, its 1 A.M., do you know where your husband is? Sure you do! He’s in the living room, den, basement, kids’ room, or annoying as it may be, he’s at the edge of your bed playing that DAMN video game. BUT he’s home. Girlfriends, and I MEAN girlfriends, you’re NOT wives yet. If you have any hope of bearing his last name, and we’ve seen the doodles, we know your endgame, ease up. Its Saturday night 3 A.M., do you know where your man is? Suuuure, the same DAMN place he’s been all night … ignoring your text and rushing you off the phone when you call, when you have nothing to talk about, you just hate he’s enjoying himself and you’re not! But he’s at home or his boy’s house, playing that DAMN video game. He could be sleeping with your incredibly hot friend that’s sliding him hints or out chasing women like he used to. Remember those days? Remember how long it took for you to break him? Didn’t you two meet you in a bar or club? He could easily be out meeting someone else that doesn’t doodle. Mothers, sisters, grandmothers, do you know where your little adolescents or young adults are? Of course you do! The whole house does, because no one can sleep with him jacked up on red bull and swearing profusely every time he dies. But hey, he’s not out drinking, doing drugs, getting a young lady pregnant or experimenting with boys. He’s playing that DAMN video game!

Against my better judgment, I’m going to actually help you women with some tactics in breaking us men away from our video games:

1. Hide the game. Men are typically very disorganized and we’ll assume we misplaced it, EVEN if we SWORE we left it in the console and on pause from the night before.

2. Hide the game. Blame it on the dog or the baby, NOT your children or any other siblings. They are subject to our wrath and WILL be held accountable! I have scars till this day.

3. Change the IP address or disconnect the Internet. Most games are played on-line these days, and if he can’t connect to the Internet, he won’t get the same thrill or have the desire to play.

4. Get him out of the house. Come up with a reason for you all to go out. He’ll hate it at first, but some good food and a little liquor and that sexy dress of yours, which shows off your … he won’t remember any video game (and put away your little mechanical device).

One IMPORTANT piece of advice to remember is NEVER damage the video console or game. He’ll only go out and buy another whether you approve or not.

So women STOP complaining. Sure he’s not perfect, but he is a good man. You KNOW where he is at all times. Plus he’s learned to live with your constant nagging, insecurities, extensive shoe collection, flower paintings and potpourri, he’s even learned to not leave his dirty underwear in the middle of the living room floor. And as much as we love them, realize we CAN’T play our video games forever. And when we’re bored and all done with them, we’ll just replace them trade them in, or toss them aside. But we can NEVER toss, replace or trade you in, nor would we want to. And men, when the games start disappearing and the baby’s receiving the blame, or you just can’t figure out why you can’t connect to the internet, just go into the other room, hug her, kiss her, lay there with her, tell her you love her, stay right by her side till she falls asleep…then get up, set your alarm, go grab the extra copy of the game she knows nothing about and play quietly all night long, just make sure you’re in bed before she wakes up… Women, when you wake up in the middle of the night and he’s not there, just smile, you KNOW where he’s at, plus that copy you know “nothing” about is actually his missing game. You’ve returned the backup and used the cash on those new shoes he keeps inquiring about the price of, never mind they’re only your sixth pair of yellow heels. “Why do you have SO many pairs of heels in the same color?! What’s the difference?”