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Police Do Not Serve the Public

18 Sep

bad cop


slow down

The idea that the police department actually protects and serves the general public is a myth. The police force does not serve the people even though the tax-paying public ultimately pays their salaries; the police department serves the city government. With the exception of the S.W.A.T. team, they do not solve crimes and bring criminals to justice. They harass the people that pay them with unwarranted traffic tickets for an assortment of minor violations while generating revenue for the city. The police do help citizens; they macerate and exploit them with fines while offering paltry assistance to those that need their help the most.

Most policemen are not spending their days trolling through cold cases that have been sitting on their desks for months as the television executers and government would have you believe. They are not on the streets arresting the criminal element in an effort to clean up the streets and protect citizens. The police force has no interest in catching criminals to help neighborhoods. They are busy watching law-abiding citizens in an attempt to stabilize revenue for the city. There is no money in taking drug dealers off of the corners. The money that is seized in their arrests is evidence for the drug-dealing trial. It will sit in the far corners of a sealed room until the drug dealer’s court case arrives. Once it has served its purpose in the criminal courts, it will be shipped to federal holdings, never to be used or seen again by the city. Catching local criminals is a fruitless endeavor for the city. Yes, it looks good when the occasional drug bust flashes across the television screen, but it does not support the needs of local government. Drug busts are for publicity not finances.

The city gets its money from you. Officers sit out of plain sight and near deserted stop signs to make money off of you. They wait and watch you to see if your car stops, where it stops, and for how long it stops. If you fail to meet any of their subjective requirements, then you get a ticket. Police officers sit on the side of long straightaways with radar guns constantly checking to see how fast your car is moving. If your car is moving too fast, then you get a ticket. The tickets that are issued for speeding are generally within 5-10 mph of the speed limit. This means that the difference of speed that the average recipient of a ticket is going is not significantly faster than the average driver. Therefore, speed traps are designed to make money for the city, not to regulate traffic. Speed does not cause accidents. Carelessness does. It is far more advantageous financially for your local police to prey on your driving errors than to locate a legitimate reprobate target, gather the appropriate information of his criminal activity, gain a warrant, and then arrest him. Your local police force, instead of targeting criminals, is targeting you. Why risk injury apprehending a known criminal, when they can take a little money from each of the residents in a neighborhood for committing an infraction that cannot be proven unlawful.

This type of blatant disregard for the tax-paying public is absolutely repugnant. The behavior of the police force in regards to its citizens is perverse, and it has to stop. Law enforcement is regularly antagonizing the very people that they are supposed to protect. When “justice” ignores the real law breakers in society and punishes the innocent what recourse does the innocent have?

The 10 Guys You Will See in Fantasy Football

17 Sep

fantasy football - guys

Like any other part of your life, fantasy football is full of people that you would not spend time around if you were not stuck together by outside forces. Playing in a fantasy football league is like being at your job on a Monday or like being stuck in the house with your in-laws, you always have to do more work than you should do, and you have very little control over your interactions with others. Your league will inevitably be full of specific idiots who will make your life miserable with their forced conversations, and constant group texts and posts about their team and your fantasy football season. These are the men you will see in your fantasy football league.


The Rookie

This guy does not have a clue. He asks everyone from his mother to his accountant to his game day opponent for fantasy football advice, and his squad is full of team defenses, kickers, and tight ends. This is the guy who drafted four quarterbacks in a league that only plays one quarterback, but somehow is competitive every week. He is guaranteed to take a place at the top of your league. Rookies always do. He has never watched a full football game before this season, but he will beat you for a spot in the playoffs after he asks you whether he should start Tom Brady against the worst defense in the league or the quarterback who Ryan Fitzpatrick against the best secondary in football. Luckily for you, he will never place as high in your league as he did in this year.

football - fan - steelers

The Homer

The homer loves his city, and his fantasy football team reflects his affection. Unfortunately, unless he lives in Pittsburgh (NFL royalty who never really has a bad team), that means that his fantasy football team is not very good. The home team guy might as well be a rookie, because he picks his players without any real regard for their ability to score fantasy football points. He is more worried about getting the entire Los Angeles Rams’ roster on his team than actually winning games. This guy shows up to the draft with his authentic team jersey on his back, a baseball cap with the franchise logo, and his autographed Rams football for good luck. He never wins the championship, and he never places last either.


The Guru

The guru can tell you how weather conditions affect the top 15 quarterbacks in the league. He knows whether each stadium in the NFL is open or domed. A guru can recognize offensive formations from the television and predict where plays are going based on the offensive sets. Their fantasy football rosters are full of players with names you would not recognize even if you all grew up in the same neighborhood. And, his roster full of no-name guys destroy the league every year. Nobody wants this guy in their league. He has a sixth sense about stats, and is almost impossible to beat. He is a trade Nazi, vetoing every proposed trade on the waiver wire out of spite.


The Living Legend

Legends die hard in the hearts and minds of people, and this man was the best athlete that the fantasy football crew had ever seen in real life. He was the captain of the football team, he played scholarship ball at the big university, and was one small injury away from playing professional sports. Because of his background in sports, the legend has some insight into the game of fantasy football. However, he rarely wins it all because he does not rely on numbers. Some former football athletes fair far worse than the average fantasy football guys because they see the value of players to their football teams, but can not see how effective those players are in scoring fantasy points.


The Overzealous One

Every fantasy football league has one guy who tries to make up for his complete lack of natural athleticism by excelling at imaginary football. He always fails. He spends his time listening to fantasy football podcasts, has subscribed to ESPN the magazine solely for their weekly version of who to sit and who to play, and trolls the waiver wire every day for fantasy football gems who are sitting there unclaimed. Every week, he drops solid fantasy football scorers for players who had one good week and never duplicate their success again in the season. His team is a carousel of players, some good and some bad. But, this guy can not figure out which ones are worth keeping and which ones should be let go.


Zero Fox Guy

He missed the draft. He never remembers to set his team, and he seems to always play two to three players who are on a bye-week or the injured list. This guy does not care. He abandons his team for work, family, or whatever else he does instead of playing fantasy football after the Week 5 games. His approach to fantasy football is so haphazard and lackadaisical that you feel like a douchebag for caring about your team at all. It makes you question why you play the game at all. He does not care about winning or losing in your league, and you can not figure out why he plays every year. But, somehow everything comes together for him when you play each other, and he beats you.


The Benedict

This is the worst guy to ever play fantasy football. He lacks a moral compass and should be booted from any and every fantasy football group the moment he thinks about joining them. In fact, this man should be publically caned for his fantasy football transgressions. The benedict gets pissed because his team has underperformed all year, and in a fit of rage, he gives all his decent players to one of your opponents creating an unstoppable team for them right before the playoffs. He believes in chaos and will blow everything up to prove his melodramatic point. He is a traitor to his friends, and to the spirit of fantasy football altogether.


The Elephant

An elephant never forgets, but this Dumbo should let some memories go. He is living in fantasy football past. This is the guy who drafts Peyton Manning in 2016, the year after he retired. He will rattle off a list of football players who have not played in the NFL in years during the draft until he finally settles on a guy who is on the downside of his career. He wants Brett Favre or Ladainian Tomlinson with his first pick overall, but realizes that they have retired after everyone at the draft bursts into laughter. He’ll ask for Tony Gonzalez, and then get the oft-injured Antonio Gates at tight end. This guy is living in 2005, but he is an easy win in fantasy football.


Queen Midas

Queen Midas has a real knack for picking gems. She does not watch football games. She does not study specific fantasy football statistics. Every pick that she makes in her fantasy football draft is related to some non-football reason. She picked up Drew Brees in the draft because she is Catholic and he plays for the Saints. She drafted Julio Jones because she knows a Julio, and he is a good guy. She landed on Travis Kelce because the Chiefs wear her high school’s colors, red and yellow. Somehow, she wins games despite having no knowledge of the game of football. And yes, Queen Midas can absolutely be a heterosexual guy with no clue, however the guys who do not watch football games usually do not play fantasy football. Women play despite having no attachments to the game.


The Pun-ny Guy

Yes, that title was a pun about the ”funny” pun guys  in your league. The pun-ny guy names his squad “Deflate-Great” after the Tom Brady deflated balls incident of 2015 or “Show Me Your TDs” to get a few laughs. He changes the name of his team every week and forces everyone to look at his clever quips. This guy is more concerned with cracking jokes than with actually winning in his league.

Ask A Black Guy: Black Superman or Black Batman?

16 Sep


By MJ5

black superman vs. black batman

In the Summer of 2013, the first Superman movie was released to try and capitalize on the success of the Dark Knight Batman series. In case you are wondering, Warner Brothers and DC Comics intentionally chose not to put these movies out at the same time to go against one another. These are the two most successful superheroes in the DC comic franchise, the last thing you want is them competing in the box office.

For all my true Comic Book fans yes, I know there is series of comics that these two go head-to-head in. Superman wins of course, but he should! He can stop a damn train with his hands!
I wanted to look at the facts from a black man’s perspective and try to see who comes out IF THEY WERE BLACK INSTEAD because:
1. I am a black man and I always get asked who I would rather be and,
2. I expected Superman to beat the shit out of Batman anyways when they fought.
I wanted to look at their individual attributes, personalities, Etc. and see what would happen if DC gave me Steve Urkel and P. Diddy instead of Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne.
Winner: Batman
This one was close to being a draw. Superman’s personality is open and approachable in the cape where Batman is closed and withdrawn. As a black man, I can more closely relate to Superman if he were black too. Reason being is that a black man has to jump way more hoops and do more than his white counterparts at work. I feel like Superman Monday through Friday because I have to be that much more damn Super in order to get promoted! Superman jumps tall buildings in a single bound and people still wouldn’t accept him no matter how many times he saved their asses! No matter what he did, Superman wasn’t good enough! Welcome to a new world Man of Steel!
Batman ends up winning here because no matter how many times he did good and fought evil, he still ended up being chased by the police! My vote here was easy because I think black men would more closely understand Batman’s dislike for the police. Superman was a squeaky clean guy who never had close calls with the police. Batman had to run from the police like he had warrants and an expired inspection sticker!
Another reason the Man of Steel loses here is because as a man that literally could do anything he wanted to, why didn’t he ever rob a bank or a clothes store? Superman is completely unstoppable and I believe if he were a black man, Superman would have stole something once or twice.
Close call but the Caped Crusader wins in a close one!
Winner: Batman
I always wondered what Superman is doing with all that money Clark is saving from the Daily Planet. You have to think that Clark is investing it because he doesn’t lead a very extravagant living. Figuring that investing and portfolios isn’t really what a lot of black men do, I have to take a point from Superman if he were black. Nice example and all, just not really realistic for the black man alter ego.
If Bruce Wayne were written as a black man, he would be the modern day equivalent of Diddy. Honestly, if Bruce Wayne were black, he would be throwing parties that would include strippers and champagne nightly! The other factor here is that Bruce Wayne didn’t earn the money he has – his parents left it him in the will when they died. The edge goes to Batman in this category because a lot of black men wont earn that kind of money, we will have to inherit it from an aunt that we did not know or hit the lottery. DC Comics showed me that its okay to spend money that you did not earn!
Considerations: Bruce Wayne in the Dark Knight series ran his company into the ground once it was given to him and filed bankruptcy. Thinking the same would hold true if it were a black Bruce Wayne, too.

Winner: Superman
Superman finally breaks through here with a black characteristic: his parents didn’t want him and sent him off to the country to live with some people he hardly even knew! Batman was close here, but in the black community both parents don’t get murdered at the same time by the same person normally. In the black community, its most likely one parent murdering the other (Jevon Belcher).
Another edge for Superman is that he can still talk to his parents when he wants to where Batman cant. That has to be an advantage in dealing with super villains. Batman had a butler when his parents died so I don’t think DC could have written him as a black man here as that is VERY, VERY, VERY rare that your parents get killed and you have a butler to take care of you. This just is not a very believable black man story.
Another boost to Superman’s black credibility is that when his parents shipped him off, they didn’t give a damn about who he ended up with and didn’t even care to check! Imagine how different Clark’s story would have been if he didn’t land on the Kent farm but instead landed in the hood in LA, New York, or Houston. This would have been a very different story for DC to write if little Superman’s ship would have landed anywhere else besides on that farm!


Winner: Batman, clear favorite
Let’s be completely honest, if Superman were cast as a black man, the only self respecting person you could fine to wear this ugly yellow and blue would have been Tyler Perry’s cross-dressing ass. There aren’t too many black men who would have looked okay in Superman blue and yellow.
The only advantage Superman’s costume would have had for black men is the emphasis on the crotch! Women would have called him Super for a whole other reason and that simply would have taken away from all his crime fighting abilities. For the most part, Batman’s costume allows for some flexibility in the underwear department. In Batman’s costume a black man could either wear boxers or boxer briefs (black men do not wear tighty whities).
Another reason Batman gets the nod in this category is because not too many black men would favor the stripping in public idea. Busting buttons on nice ass shirts gets expensive which is why we do not let our girlfriends and wives do it too often. Ripping out of shirts and finding somewhere safe to put your $300 Jordans’ is something that the black Superman would have to worry about constantly.
Batman’s costume is also favored by me because he saves the day when he feels good and ready to do so. Black Batman is not interested in being Johnny on the Spot saving people right when they’re in trouble! In an emergency, Black Batman would go home, eat, change, and procrastinate as long as possible, hoping someone else would handle it first.
*In all fairness, I had to use the updated costumes as my reference here because both costumes used to favor one another closely and Christopher Reeves looked completely gay in the 70s.


Winner: Superman
Having a 28 bedroom, 16 bath mansion is awesome and all but Black Batman has to worry about cleaning the damn thing after all these parties! Another thing Black Batman has to worry about is his mom or some relative coming to live with him if he has this big ass house! Rich black people’s relatives would have lived with him and messed up his freedom to fight crime when he wanted to. Also Black Batman would have to worry about paying the yearly taxes on this big house and we have seen black lottery winners fail at this multiple times; black people don’t do to well with paying taxes on big mansions. Black Batman would have lost his house in foreclosure or would have had the Home Owner’s Association take it. Points also taken away from Black Batman’s crib because the FIRST black woman you bring to this mansion is not going to want to leave! She is going to want to stay, leave her toothbrush in your bathroom, and hide hair ties and scarves all around your mansion.
Black Superman’s Ice House is definitely preferred. Black Superman wont have to worry about black women groupies just popping up because he is in the middle of nowhere! No neighbors complaining when you play your loud rap music. No landscaping fees. No Home Owners. No relatives will ever want to come live with you because black people do not volunteer to live in cold areas unless its because of a GOOD paying job. If fighting crime is the most important things to Black Superman, the Ice House is preferable because you do not have all the extra distractions. One advantage of the Ice House is that all of Superman’s visitors never seemed to get cold INSIDE of it.
The best advantage of Black Superman’s crib in the cold nowhere is that he wont have to deal with no damn ROACHES! I think there is a minimum temperature that roaches don’t survive so you can leave food out overnight without having to worry. Black Superman wont have to deal with them when he gets home and turns on the light after a hard day of fighting evil.
And there you have it. Black Batman pulls out a close victory against Black Superman, 3-2. Black Batman is a much more believable superhero than Superman. He lost his parents to a shooting crime, he has a good sense of fashion, and most importantly, Batman is just a cooler super hero.

Go Braless Today!

13 Sep

no bras03

rita ora

Though the French did let us down in World War I, they have slowly redeemed themselves. They gave us the french fry, and they gave us the Statue of Liberty. But now, the French have given American men a gift that can never be repaid. They have given men and women a true gift of freedom. Though they did not fight with us in one of history’s greatest battles, the French fought a war against undergarments that has liberated women’s breasts from the constraints of underwear. Once again, the Europeans are ahead of us, and this contribution may be more important to mankind than any war.

According to Jean Denis-Rouillon, a sports science expert from the University of Besancon, France, bras do more harm than good for women’s breasts. Marilyn Monroe, Halle Berry, and many other women swear by sleeping in their bras. They were told that the bras lend them support for good posture, help prevent back pain, and keep their breasts from sagging. However, Denis-Rouillon has conducted a 15 year study of the breasts of 330 women from ages 18-35, and concluded that bra wear is harmful to the perkiness of breasts. He stated, “Medically, physiologically, anatomically – breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra.” Jean Denis-Rouillon used a slide rule and caliper, an instrument that measures the distance between two opposite sides of an object, to discern the changes in the features of the breasts. He found that the nipples of the women who did not wear bras were on average 7 millimeters higher in relation to their shoulders each year than regular bra users.

He did also temper his statements by calling his results preliminary, and saying that women over 45 would probably not benefit from throwing out their bras. He said, “But, a middle-aged woman, overweight, with 2.4 children? I’m not at all sure she’d benefit from abandoning bras.” His sample only tested women who were in a specific age group and not from all walks of life, but who wants to see middle-aged, overweight boobs anyway. Rouillon conceded that his results would have to be repeated on a sample size of about 300,000 women, with more testing to be deemed scientifically significant and “definitive”. But, there are two significant results that have been proven by the researcher in his initial findings. His studies show that women who stopped wearing bras had no deterioration in the orientation of the breasts, and there was widespread improvement in the orientation of the breast for the same women. So, going braless is beneficial to women between the ages of 18-35.

Jean Denis-Rouillon is a modern-day hero. He has proven in research what men have known for years, that breasts should not be bound by bras under shirts.  They should be allowed to roam free, going wherever and doing whatever they want without provocation. Finally, there is scientific proof that women should not wear bras.