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Paintball Is Dumb

4 Apr

paintball is dumb

paintball is dumb02

There are two types of people that play paintball regularly. Paintball enthusiasts are either brain-dead morons that failed to serve in any form of military service or gun-toting, sado-masochistic idiots. And, the line between these two kinds of people is very slim. Paintball is the most pointless activity that a person could participate in voluntarily, and only morons play paintball on a consistent basis.

First of all, any activity that can only be held at a place that is a solid hour outside of city limits in a wooded area is questionable at best. Walking into a paintball site is like walking into a good old-fashioned lynching or a mob burial. You know something is wrong the moment you get there, but you do not figure out that you have been set up until you get hit in the back of the head. Every venue for paintball is in a sparsely populated, densely woodsy field. These paintball courses are full of guys that could not serve in the army or on a police force for numerous reasons including but not limited to, being too fat, being too flat-footed, being too stupid to qualify, or just being too psychotic to trust with a gun. The other portion of guys are yokels from the NRA that come decked in full camouflaged gear, including a ski mask, padded vest, padded pants and have silencers for their semi-automatic paintball guns. But, they are all better than you at paintball, and they all want to play against you together. You will show up in a bright red sweater, and be handed a pair of goggles and the paintball gun that is basically a slingshot with a few dozen paint balls. You will stand out like a confused deer with neon lights hanging from his antlers in the middle of hunting season, and leave the course looking like you are wearing a full body tye-dye t-shirt.

In theory, paintball is a exciting competition that can be shared by friends on a lazy Saturday evening. In actuality, paintball is a forum for losers to hit each other with missiles of plastic covered paint. If I wanted to pay to be hit with random objects because I enjoy the pain, then there are a few “special” clubs in the city for that, and I imagine that they are a lot more fun.

Paying someone for this to happen to you is not fun.

$800 Million in Lottery Prizes Get Lost

6 Mar


On Wednesday night, one lucky person may have hit the lottery and won $550 million dollars in the Powerball drawing, but what is much more likely is that some lucky or unfortunate lottery players, depending on your viewpoint, will leave anywhere from $250,000 to $1,000,000 unclaimed. Every year the Lottery awards almost $40 billion dollars in prize money, and every year about $800 million dollars in lottery prizes is lost, because disparaged lottery players fail to realize that they qualify for secondary prizes even though they did not win the big prize.

According to Chuck Strutt, executive director of the Multi-State Lottery Association, about 2% of the secondary prize winners (those who get the right numbers in the wrong sequence) will fail to claim their rightful winnings within the allotted grace period of six to twelve months in most states. That means that after each lottery, one to two people will leave up to one million dollars on the table because they did not check their ticket winnings. Illinois still has a $1 million prize that has not been claimed. Strutt says, “There are significant number of people buying tickets who don’t know there are secondary prizes. And when we get a big prize like $550 million, many people buy tickets who haven’t bought before.” Then there are players who have bought lottery tickets for years and have never known that there are other prizes.

“It’s important that everyone check their numbers, even if they know they didn’t win the jackpot,” says Strutt. Though there was a 77.1 million dollar jackpot prize that was not collected in Georgia, he says that most jackpot winners do collect their winnings. It is very rare that a jackpot is not picked up, however, each year there are dozens of winnings that are usurped by the government because they are unclaimed. So, always check your ticket and read the rules carefully. You may be a winner even if you lose the jackpot.

What Women Should Not Wear

7 Jan

what not to wear

Ladies there is a enormous difference between dressing sexy and dressing sloppy or slutty. If you do not know whether your style of dress is sexy or slutty, then, honestly, you probably dress like a strumpet. And, since you do not want to be identified as the resident skank or look like a bridge troll, follow these tips closely to ensure that you are always properly dressed.

This is the only type of bad frontal cleavage, and her husband still looks happy.

1. Cleavage - Ladies, frontal cleavage is almost always good, and back cleavage is never acceptable. This is a rule not a suggestion. Sexy cleavage is like a good introduction. The message that you are trying to get across is clear, and if the person likes your intro, then he or she will respond promptly. Back cleavage is metaphorically closer to having food stuck in your teeth. No one will tell that you look like an idiot, and you will continue smiling in complete ignorance of your condition. You know your body better than anyone else, so, if you are not genetically predisposed to being skinny or do not run a few miles a week, then you should not have your back out. A Christmas tree back is not sexy or seasonal. It is completely inappropriate. If your back has rolls, keep it clothed.

2. Skirts - Short mini-skirts are beautiful with the right pair of legs. Short flowing dresses are stunning on the right woman. But, the cups of your butt cheeks hanging out of the bottom of your short skirt or dress is whorish. To all the taller ladies and those with larger hindquarters, you have to try on skirts before you buy them, and definitely check the length of your skirts before you go out. A skirt that fits your shorter or smaller framed friend perfectly, will expose your lady bits to the world. And, be sure to take a long look at the back of the skirt or dress in a mirror, because a skirt that appears to be the perfect length in the front, might give a peepshow to everyone behind you. And, to the shorter and smaller framed women, if your legs are toned from using your personal Stair Master or visiting the gym, and you have the heels that match those skirts and dresses perfectly, then wear them confidently. However, if you have spent the last three months laying on the couch scarfing down cheeseburgers, flaming-hot Doritos, and a half gallon of ice cream everyday, then leg-baring attire is not for you. Keep in mind, there is a distinct difference between demure and “de skank.”

Her toes are actually falling over the edge of her shoes. Suicide sandals are unforgivable.

3. Shoes - Please wear shoes that fit your feet. It may be embarrassing to order a size ten shoe in public, but you will be much more embarrassed when your shoes look like you have been baking bread in them. Your foot should not spill over onto the top of your shoe. If you can not feel your toes, then your shoes are too tight. If your toes are jumping over the edge of your shoes, you need a bigger size. Also, please apply lotion, Vaseline, baby oil, motor oil, or some lubricant to your feet if you plan on wearing sandals or open-toed shoes. You should not look like you played bare-footed in a bakery before you left your house. And if you have thick ankles, do not wear shoes with multiple straps. They look like a tree trunk growing through a fence.

4. Muffin top - If your jeans do not fit you, then buy more jeans. Muffin tops have to stop. The only rolls that people should see are the edible ones. Get rid of your extra “smedium” clothes through donation, thrift stores, or combustion, but do not wear them anymore. Your mother, sister, and boyfriend are all humiliated every time you show up in some stretched, unintentionally form-fitting outfit that squeezes and pushes out random parts of your body.

5. W - A form-fitting shirt with no brassiere is socially acceptable as long as your bust is not exceptionally large. When bra-less in public, you are walking dangerously close to the slut line, but as long as “Nipsey” does not make an appearance, the clothing should be well accepted. Tight pants with no underwear is always unacceptable, unless you are playing the appropriate sport with the corresponding uniform. The “w”, just like “Nipsey”, should never be visible. Camel toe is not hot. No one wants to see the imprint of your business through the front of your pants. Men are fairly appreciative when any part of the female form reveals itself, but even they are appalled by blatant camel toe. Women that broadcast their “meows” in broad daylight, look like prostitutes. Ladies, put on underwear and keep your vaginas covered. Please heed the warning in this rant. Failure to do so will assuredly cost you any meaningful romantic relationship that you have or want. And, even if it does not cost you a relationship, it will surely cost you your dignity.

Man’s Rights in Abortion

4 Dec


The views expressed in the following passage do not necessarily reflect the beliefs of All opinions stated below are the views of the author and in no way represent the views, concerns, or policies of

By William Bixby

I am not Pro-Life and I am also not Pro-Choice. And, though my stance on the subject is not defined in terms clearly enough to choose a side on this debate, I do have a singular belief that rings true on the issue. The act of abortion as it now stands is completely unfair to prospective fathers.

This article was not written in an attempt to convince people to stop having abortions nor was it written to encourage people to have unplanned children. There is no stand on a moral high ground that was meant to shame the people who decide abortion is the best option for them or to praise those that decide to keep the unborn child despite difficult personal situations. This is just an attempt to explain exactly what is wrong with abortion from the male point of view.

Let me start by exempting the one big outlier in abortion, rape. If a woman was the victim of sexual assault, then she should have the complete and sole right to decide if she wants to abort her assailant’s child. No person should be forced into sex with another regardless of gender, and no woman should be forced to carry their abuser’s child. Furthermore, no criminal should have any extension of power over their victim, and the emotional and physical stress that is caused by being raped and the physical toll of carrying a child should never be forced upon any woman.

However, in consensual, intimate relationships, whether the intimacy is purely physical or both sexual and emotional, men are undeservedly devoid of power when it comes to abortion. Once a couple has become pregnant, only the woman has the right to decide whether a child is going to be born or be aborted. The idea of “choice” with regards to abortion sounds so simple and appropriate. A woman, who has to carry the child for nine months, should decide whether she can handle the burden of bearing and caring for the child in her womb. But, the pro-choice enthusiasts ultimately disregard the needs and desires of the father of the unborn child without ever listening to him. The choice to have or abort a baby rests in the hands of one person when the decision to make the child was made by two people. This practice is unfair and deplorable. Two people made a decision to sleep together. Two people failed to properly use contraception to prevent pregnancy. And most essential to my point, two people collectively created a new life.

If two people were necessary to create a baby, it seems that both partners should have some input into the future of that child. However, women hold all the power once a child has been conceived. Women decide whether a man who wants to be a dad will lose that chance at fatherhood, and conversely they decide if a man who is not ready to have a child will become a father. The power to kill a fetus holds an abundance of authority over a man’s life. Becoming a dad is one of the most challenging and rewarding endeavors in a man’s life, and many men relish the opportunity to shoulder that responsibility. But the possibility of being someone’s father can be crushed by a woman who is not ready to become a mother. Any and every man can be denied his parental right by the simple selfish act of a woman choosing to go through with an abortion without his consent. And, the decision to have a child can be equally as devastating to a man. An hour of fun (If we are being honest, 10-20 minutes of fun) can lead to 18 years of child support payments for a guy, because in most states women are awarded primary custody until proven to be unfit parents. 20-40% of a man’s earnings can be garnished to pay for a child that he could not afford, was too immature to raise, or simply did not want for personal reasons (and this disregards the detrimental emotional effect that an absent father has on the child). Responsible fathers have all the same financial culpability and the added emotional accountability to this child that that they not ready to father. From the moment that the first pregnancy test reads positive, all the power in a relationship shifts to the lady. With the inherent charge of deciding the fate of the fetus, she also is suddenly in control of the life of her sex partner. And, that is unjust.

I do not have a solution that would make the issue of abortion less polarizing to the general public. Nor do I know how to make the decision of whether or not to have an abortion more equitable between the sexes. I do not know that any endowment of authority over abortion that is given to men would not make the process of aborting a baby any easier for women or any fairer for men. But, the lack of a solution to the inequalities of abortion does not mean that they should continue to be ignored. And, a discourse about the subject is a step in the right direction. Maybe the law could require the signatures of both of the prospective parents of the unborn baby for an abortion to be allowed. Or more conceivably, the judicial system could forage into different custody laws, because women who have to pay child support rather than receive it may be more apt to weigh their stances on abortion more diligently. Whatever the course of action though, men need more rights when the future of their child and the quality of the rest of their lives are lying in the hands of someone else.