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What She Is Really Saying

23 Aug

women mean - i don't like you

By William Bixby

In an attempt to help men understand the fairer sex and thus better relationships between the sexes, has put together a list of some of the most common phrases that women say to men and what they really mean.

Day to Day

It is your decision.

I have already told you what I want you to do.

Would you like some MY food?

Ummm, what you’re eating looks better than what I have. Give me your food.

Do I look fat in this dress?

If you ever want to see me out of this dress and near your meat and potatoes again, tell me I look beautiful.

Do you think that she’s cute?

She looks curvy and slutty, just like you like them.

Which one of my friend’s would you sleep with?

I want to fight.

I don’t want to mess up our friendship.

I am not attracted to you even though you are a nice guy. I generally like guys that actually have a pair.

I like you, but…

Have you heard of the friend zone? Well, you’re in it.

We need to talk.

I want to complain about something you did.

We need that.

I want that.

What’s that noise?

Wait, you’re almost sleep, aren’t you? Well, right now I want to talk to you about something that I could talk to you about at any other time.

Do you want to come up and have some coffee?

I think you are hot, and I may want to make out with you.

I need some space.

I don’t like you.

We are too different.

I don’t like you.

I don’t want a boyfriend right now.

I don’t like you.

Let’s take a little break.

I used to like you, but now I don’t like you anymore.

Oh, you are so cute.

You are completely non-threatening, and if I had a little sister, I would want her to be your friend. I personally do not like you.

You never listen.

What I am saying is more important than what you are saying. I’m right.

Don’t worry about it.

Worry about what I’m going to do to you after I say ‘Don’t worry about it.’

Give me five minutes.

Give me ten minutes. I have to put on my clothes, feed the dog, and put on makeup.

Give me ten minutes.

Give me thirty minutes. I’m going to change my outfit a few times and make a few phone calls.

Give me thirty minutes.

Grab a beer, kick off your shoes, and put your feet up. It’s going to be a while.

I want a sensitive guy.

I want a guy who listens to everything I say and doesn’t talk.

I like bad boys.

You are too sensitive.


Is your place near here?

You are getting lucky tonight, buddy!

I want to take it slow (before you have slept together)

I haven’t decided if I want to attend the no pants party with you yet.

I want to take it slow (after you have had sex)

You have no clue what foreplay is, do you?

This guy will never see her again.

Well, I have to get up early tomorrow. Good night.

I am never going to have sex with you.


Your penis is tiny.


Please finish. My show is coming on.

Right there, right there.

Right there, right there.

Thank you. That was great.

That was better than getting a pedicure…but barely.

(Blank stare, rhythmic full body convulsions, no words)

You are the vagina whisperer.

What Men Want from Women

22 Aug

the perfect woman02

This article was originally posted on February 2, 2012. Because of the positive feedback that we at have received about this article, we have decided to run it again. Enjoy.

Men are pretty simple. If you want to make a man happy, then give him the “3 F’s”. Chris Rock, one of the most insightful comedians in standup, said it in one of his standup routines. Feed him, fuck him, and shut the fuck up occasionally if you want to keep a man. Though they may seem oversimplified, these are the keys to any successful relationship with a guy. Every man only needs three behaviors from a woman to stay in a happy relationship. They are the three things that drive us, food, sex, and peace of mind. Ladies, be aware.

This woman is going to keep a happy man.

Step 1: Feed Him

Unless, your boyfriend had a mother who believed that men should know how to cook and clean for themselves, then you as a woman should learn to tend to your home. There was a time in the recent past when all women knew their way around a kitchen and cleaned the house regularly, but those times are fading away quickly. But, that has not changed the expectations of most of the men in this generation. All the people of the generation where women were in the home and men worked to earn a living and provide for their family now reside in nursing homes. Modern women are entrenched in the workforce and some are earning more than their spouses. Occasionally, there is an incredible woman who provides for her family and keeps her home spotless while cooking three square meals, but it not the norm. Learning how to put a meal together gives a woman an advantage over other women when choosing a mate. Does this mean that a woman should stifle her success to keep her man? Not necessarily. But, it does mean that women should be aware of some of the hidden expectations of the opposite sex.

Step 2: Fuck Him

If you are unwilling to do something freaky with your man, then some other chick will do it. It is the absolute truth. People are inevitably attracted to what they want in a sex partner. The woman that will do anything in the bedroom will eventually find her way to your man. And, if he is unhappy with you and your boring sex life then he may stray. That does not mean that women should engage in weird sex acts with their spouses regardless of how uncomfortable those acts make them. But, it does mean that people should aim to please their partners sexually. Unfulfilled sexual needs can lead to infidelity when the right circumstances align. And, the time that a man waits before actually cheating on his wife depends solely on what type of guy he is. Abstaining from extramarital sex is not easy in this age. With the easy access to dating sites, Facebook, and cell phones hooking up with another woman is much easier for a man than it has ever been. And, there are sites that are exclusive to men that want to cheat like too. Though no woman is at fault for a man breaking his promise of fidelity, keeping him satisfied sexually will keep his mind occupied with the right person, his wife.

Check yourself.

Step 3: Shut the F&ck Up

This could be the most important step of the three. A man can deal with bad cooking and a sparse, boring loveless sex life if he has peace at home. If you as a woman learn how not to argue about the little things and to refrain from talking incessantly about any and everything, then you will keep your man at home. To a man, every contrite issue is simply not worth worrying or arguing about, and therefore most things do not warrant conversation. He does not want to be bombarded with the trappings of your day at the moment that he hits the doorway. That does not mean that he does not love you, or that he is not interested in what is important to you. It means that he has own unique set of problems at his job and is he attempting to deescalate when he gets home. And similarly to the way that most things do not warrant a conversation to a man, most things are not worth a full-blown argument to him either. If you can discuss problems rationally with him, then any rational man will engage your points. What he does not want is you calling him and his mother four letter words when he forgets to buy milk on his way home. A man needs his woman to respect him and realize that when he upsets her it is almost never is intentional. The perceived slights that she holds against him are her emotional manifestations of a physical act that he performed. With men, there are seldom ulterior motives behind an action. In layman’s terms, most of the time a man did not do whatever it is that his woman is upset about just to piss her off.


The way to keep a man happy is fairly easy. Simply cook good food, regularly sex him up, and try not argue about everything. If you can do those three things, your man will stay with you forever.

How to Find Mr. Right

24 Jul

kissing a frog

Ladies, Mr. Right is out there waiting on you. You need not fear the ticking of your biological clock or the bevy of younger women that are waiting to swoop in and snatch him from your clutches. There is a perfect guy who is waiting patiently to be with you. All you have to do is your part, and we will help you find Mr. Right today.

The first step to finding Mr. Right is getting off the couch or out of the bed and being available. You will not find Mr. Right sitting at the bottom of that bucket of delicious, crispy fried chicken or hiding inside your third bowl of rich, creamy Chunky Monkey ice cream. Mr. Right is out drinking with his friends, taking in fine art a museum, or attending some church function. He does not sit at home watching soap operas, imagining the lifestyles of people that are more interesting than he is. He gets out and enjoys life. Finding Mr. Right is like playing the State Lottery, “You have to be in it, to win it!” So, dust off that little black dress that shows off your legs, and leave the house.

After you have stopped your own personal pity party, removed yourself from the confines of your home, in order to find Mr. Right you have to stop looking for him. You will never catch a good man if you are looking for him. Ironic? Yes, but true. Since you have started looking for Mr. Right, you have found Mr. He Ain’t Right in the Head, Mr. Right Now (as in, he will do for right now), Mr. Turn Right Around Before I Slap You, and Mr. Oh, That’s the Right Spot (you know, the guy that you only call late at night…after you have had a few drinks…and you don’t really like him…but, he does that special little thing in bed). That has not worked out so well for you. The old cliche is true. When you stop looking for the right guy, he will find you. The perfect solution is to have a ladies night out. Call a few of your girlfriends, tell them to dress up, and plan a fun night on the town. Men love to see women enjoying themselves. Part of your attractiveness to a potential mate is your ability to have fun socially. If you regularly express joy in the mundane activities of life, then Mr. Right will be attracted to you.

Finally, for Mr. Right to come into your life, you have to be the best representation of you. There is at least one person on this planet whose personality, upbringing, and looks are perfectly suited for you and all your eccentricities. By being yourself, you insure  that the perfect match for you is not mistakenly over-looking you.

If you are artsy, and love the opera, then venture to the MET in New York City. If you love to party, visit Carnivale en Brasil or maybe its American cousin, Mardi Gras in New Orleans. More importantly though, be true to yourself,  be in a place where you would meet like-minded individuals, and Mr. Right might be there too.

Places Not to Pick Up Women

23 Jul

Stock Photo

Early in the new year is a great time for men to get women because we have extra money from tax returns, women are focused on losing weight for their resolutions, and it’s cold … which makes women want to snuggle.  Now is as good a time as any to know where not to try your hand at securing a lady friend for the last part of the winter season.


*Approaching women can be difficult and anxiety-filled for men. Men have to be decent looking, which is out of their control and due exclusively to genetics. They need to be well-groomed, a trait that often goes ignored. Men have to be charming enough to attract a woman. And finally, if a woman is actually interested in a guy and talks to him, then that man has to refrain from saying something that breaks the whole deal. Talking to women is hard, but there are places where a man stands no chance getting the girl.

1. On a plane – The good thing about meeting a woman in an airport is that you know that you have traveling in common, and you have a conversation piece readily available (Where are you headed and why?).  An airport is the perfect place for a chance encounter. An airplane seems like a reasonable place too. Aboard an airplane, you have a destination in common and a place for intimate conversation. Ironically, these are some of the many reasons why you should never hit on a woman in a plane. What you think is the intimacy of a quiet conversation on a plane is actually a trap that she cannot escape until the plane lands. Being on a plane forces her into situation where she has to either be cordial and talk to you against her will or be rude to you. If she is particularly unimpressed by you, she may choose the latter option.

2. On an elevator – Similarly to being stuck on a plane, a forced conversation on an elevator feels like a trap to women. Never make your first advance on a woman in an elevator. In addition to being stuck with you in a room, she is also in cramped quarters. If you talk loudly enough in a crowded elevator to get her attention, then you are ignoring elevator etiquette, possibly embarrassing her, and you look like a jerk. If you move close to her and talk at the appropriate level, then you are violating her personal space and probably making her uncomfortable. Elevators are only to be used for changing floors, not romance.

3. In a strip clubs – You are in a sex-charged atmosphere. Women, sans clothes, are talking to you and possibly grinding against you. You have had a few drinks, you are a little tipsy, and you are feeling great.  She looks good, she smells good, and she keeps smiling. She has to be attracted to you, right? Wrong. She is not interested in you. She is interested in your money. Everything that you see is a fantasy. The lights are dim so that you cannot see all her imperfections, and you have your beer goggles on. She is not dancing for you for free. You are paying for her time and affection. Oh, and the affection is not real either. She is smiling at herself in the mirror.

strip club06They are not gay, and they are not interested in you.

4. In groups of three or more – In most other cases, if a woman thinks that you are attractive, then she will be receptive to you despite any outlying factors. In groups of three women or more, she will not talk to you. When in groups, women want your attention, but not your advances. There is no specific logic behind this behavior. Scientists have studied this phenomena for years and are still puzzled by it. Women will dress in their most flimsy, provocative dresses, interact suggestively, and shoot down every man that approaches them. Even if one of the girls is attracted to a guy, the others will complain that it is a “girl’s night out” and block any chance of a hookup. Once he leaves dejected, they give him a horrible nickname like” the Unibrowber” and laugh at him for the rest of the night. The meaner girls call him the name to his face. Stay away from women in groups of three or more.

5. Unemployment office – This should go without saying, but if you meet a woman in the unemployment office and she does not work there, then she does not have a job. She is there to find a job. Unless you are assisting her with her unemployment, your presence in that office tells her that you do not have a job either. Poor people should not be allowed to make advances on other poor people. All this leads to, is babies and welfare. There are not a lot of things that two poor people can do together. Going out to eat costs money, so fine dining is not an option. Entertaining a date costs more money than eating at a restaurant and often involves dinner too. The only activity that two people can do together that does not cost you financially is not an option with most women if you do not have money. And, it could lead you to the next place that you should never talk to a woman…

6. Health Clinic – If you go to a health clinic there are two assumptions that will automatically made about you; you are poor and you have a sexually transmitted disease. Wealthy people do not go to clinics. They have personal doctors that are paid through insurance premiums and they get specialized care. Clinics are for the general public that cannot afford insurance. People that are sick and without insurance go to hospitals to attain medical care. Coughing, sneezing, wheezing, bleeding, and vomiting uncontrollably are all reasons to call an ambulance and seek counsel from an emergency room doctor. People only go to clinics when they have that itchy, burning, seeping rash in their crotch. Even if you approached a woman in a health clinic, any sane woman would be too anxious with their own problems to listen to you, and disgusted by you hitting on her in your disease-infested state.

7. Fast food restaurant – Nothing says “I’m cheap or poor.”, better than a No. 2 with cheese. And, even though she is eating there too, a double standard exists. The only exception to this rule is if you work downtown, are eating in a place close to your job, have to return soon, and are in a suit. And you still look like a tool.


Places that Surprisingly Are Decent Places to Meet Women

1. Grocery store – You catch them off guard here. They are there with a purpose and probably not paying a lot of attention to you. They did not put on make up or nice clothes because it was supposed to be a short trip. With a brief, interesting conversation and a few well-placed compliments, you can impress a woman and set up a date for later.

picking up women - funeral03

2. Funeral – A big misconception about funerals is that everyone attending knew the deceased well and is mourning. Some people actually go to represent their branch of the family and some are just paying their respects to people with whom they worked. After a funeral, there is generally a get-together where socializing is appropriate. So, make your move there. But, if she is grieving and needs comforting, you are just the guy to soothe her.

3. Church – She thinks that you are wholesome and at least trying to do the right thing morally. Silly girl.

*Of course if a woman really wants to talk to you, then everything mentioned in this article is a moot point. If she gives you obvious signs of interest, listen more than you talk, smile, and don’t say anything stupid.