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The “Perfect” Man

13 Aug

alpha male

I’m apparently about only half of a man.  This according to a survey conducted by clothing retailer Austin Reed to define what women believe to be the perfect man.  These are the traits the surveyed women believe make up the perfect man:


  1. 6 feet tall
  2. Toned and athletic
  3. Brown eyes
  4. Short dark hair
  5. Smart dress sense
  6. Beer drinker
  7. Non-smoker
  8. Wears smart jeans, shirt and a V-neck jumper
  9. Gets ready in 17 minutes
  10. Stylish
  11. Wants a family
  12. Earns £48,000 ($77,000) a year
  13. Loves shopping
  14. Eats meat
  15. Clean shaven
  16. Smooth chest
  17. Watches soaps
  18. Enjoys watching football
  19. Drives an Audi
  20. Educated to degree level
  21. Earns more than his other half
  22. Jokes around and has a laugh
  23. Sensitive when his wife/girlfriend is upset
  24. Says ‘I love you’ only when he means it
  25. Admits it when he looks at other women
  26. Has a driver’s license
  27. Can swim
  28. Can ride a bike
  29. Can change a tire
  30. Calls mom regularly


My reflections after reading what women apparently want, and coming to grips with the fact that I’m actually completely undesirable:


  • Women want the sun, moon, and stars


  • Women essentially want a girlfriend that just so happens to be a man.  If one looks at #’s 13, 17, 23, 25, and, 30, much of these traits are much better suited for a woman, than a man.  Not that a man cannot be sensitive, but loving to shop and watching soap operas is probably asking a little bit much from a man.


Women want a seemingly impossible combination of this,

  • Women are clearly very conflicted in what they want.  On one hand they want Mr. Sensitive, but on the other hand they want the rugged alpha male.  #’s 6, 14, 18, 27, 29 speak to women wanting Tarzan, not the metrosexual guy from the previous bullet point.


and this.


  • Somehow women want a guy who earns about $77,000 per year, yet drives an Audi (the entry level model is just slightly more than $30,000), is stylish, and wears smart jeans (whatever that means).  The dude is going to be completely broke if he drives a $35,000 car, loves shopping, has nice clothes, his own place, and spends money taking a woman out to nice places (#’s 8, 9, 10, 12, and 13).  I’d personally love to meet the “stylish” guy who gets ready in only 17 minutes.  He must not shower before his dates.


  • Superficiality reigns supreme, as the first four traits (and #’s 15-16) involve a physical characteristic.  Here women are illustrating that they’re not too far removed from men in the qualities they desire from a partner.  On the other hand, men would probably have 15-20 physical traits listed before they got to anything beneath the surface.


  • I’m actually somewhat disappointed in the responses given by these women.  Here’s why:

-In the biggest shock ever there’s only one reference to having a family (#11).  Absolutely nothing about whether he’d be a good husband and/or father.

Apparently this kind of stuff doesn’t matter to women anymore

-The women surveyed must not be very emotionally mature because they apparently don’t care if the “perfect” man listens to them, respects them, is supportive, loyal, and encouraging.

-Yes there is mention of the guy earning a certain amount and being educated to a degree level, but what about being financially responsible?  It doesn’t help much to make a lot of money if the guy spends it foolishly and doesn’t budget or save.

-Initially I thought it odd that some reference to belief in a higher power never surfaced, but considering that Austin Reed is an English company, this isn’t so strange.  American’s identify themselves with some type of spiritual belief considerably more than those of British citizenship.

Man Rules: Part III

3 Aug

man rules - chapstick03

There are simple, unspoken rules that govern all male behavior and relationships, and they should be adhered to at all times. These rules are passed from father to son, from brother to brother, and between friends, and they should be strictly and blindly obeyed because they preserve the basic spirit of manhood and ease. Man rules should always be followed.


Man Rule #83 - Never Make Eye Contact While Putting on Chapstick

There are only a select few actions that will effectively effeminize any man regardless of testosterone level, penis size, or fat/muscle ratio, and putting on chapstick is number one on that list. No masculine way to soothe chapped lips has ever been performed, and even saying “soothe chapped lips” sounds slightly homoerotic. Your options are to either lick your lips until they crack, or grab the chapstick in your fist, stare at the ground, and grease your lips while you pucker up. But, though men have to protect their lips from the elements occasionally, no man should ever make eye contact with anyone while coating them with lip balm. Staring at a woman while putting on chapstick looks harassing and kind of “rapey”. Meeting eyes with a guy while putting it on is ”inviting”. No man should ever gaze into another person’s face while applying chapstick.


Man Rule #4 - Never Eat Hotdogs in Public

Never eat anything in the shape of a phallus in public. Hot dogs, corn dogs, pickles, lollipops, popsicles, bananas, and anything else that is remotely shaped like a penis is prohibited as a food item for men in public. If you want to fellate someone or something in the privacy of your home, by all means, blow away. But, in the presence of women and children, please refrain from savagely throating your phallic food. It is never appropriate.


Man Rule #73 - Call for Weddings, Funerals, and Breakups

SMS messaging was introduced in December of 1992 by Neil Papworth and it changed our culture. People stopped talking, started texting, and never looked back. Texting turned into picture mail. Picture mail turned into sexting. Sexting turned into revenge porn. But, I digress. Despite all the uses for the cell phone, there are a few occasions when only a phone call will do. Real men call people to announce their marriage. They call to tell loved ones that a family member has passed. And, they call to breakup with someone if they can not do it in person. There are no exceptions to this rule. All life-altering events should be communicated verbally as a show of respect to the other person. And, as a man, respect should be given to everyone until an individual proves that they do not deserve it.


Man Rule #121 - Blacking Out Is For Teenagers

No grown man should be unable to remember what he did the night before, because nothing says ‘I’m an irresponsible, self-absorbed prick,” like blacking out and throwing up on an unsuspecting crowd of innocent bystanders. You should know how to hold your liquor by the time you hit 22 years of age. You will only embarrass yourself, your friends, and the people that you vomit on when you have a few too many drinks at the bar. So, find a drink that you like, figure out how many of them you can drink without making an ass of yourself, and never imbibe more than that number of drinks in public.


Man Rule #2296 - Know Your Limitations

There are a lot of things about your identity that you should know as a man. First, you should know that you probably are not the tallest and the most handsome man in your city. You are never going to be a professional athlete, you probably will never be wealthy, you are not a genius, and more likely than not, you will never date a supermodel. Most things that you truly desire are out of your reach because of several factors including, but not limited to your physical shortcomings (Thanks Dad), your parents damaging you emotionally (Thanks Mom), your economic background, or your inability to just get it right. You are not special. Special is for women, retards, and children. Ladies, the mentally-challenged, and kids always have someone who is willing to care for and support them when they are in dire straits. You are a man. You have only yourself. You have to assess situations, learn from them, and create effective solutions. Accept it and then focus on what you are.

man hitting woman

Man Rule #1 - Never Hit A Woman

Man Rule #1 sounds like a classic example of a double standard, because it is a classic example of a double standard. Consider it payback for being able to sleep with multiple women without any social repercussions while women are labeled whores for not marrying as a virginal bride. As a man, you have to refrain from hitting women regardless of what they do or say. They can curse out your mother, sleep with your best friend, and give you a right hook to the baby maker, but you are not allowed to hit them. Men are generally larger, we carry more muscle, and have thrown a few punches by the time we hit adulthood, so any fight against a woman is generally an unfair contest. Unless Ronda Rousey is holding one of your children at gunpoint, you should never lay hands on a woman. This double standard should continue to thrive.


Man Rule #216 - Never Publicly Comment on Rape or Abortion

Here’s the thing, there is nothing that you can say about rape or abortion that will make everyone in your life happy. And though it is definitely manly to take a stance on a tough subject and stick by it, it is also wise to know when you are fighting a losing battle. There is absolutely nothing that you can say about rape other than it is abhorrent, so any comment on rape is a moot point. Across the world and across different cultures rape is unacceptable. But, abortion is a hot button topic on which everyone has a strong opinion. The trick is remembering not to share that opinion. If you are decidedly anti-abortion you will also come off as anti-women. You can not practically tell a woman to grow a child inside their body for nine months without being controlling and unfeeling with women. If you are pro-choice, then come off confused.


Man Rule #1449 - Wait A Day to Post All Social Media

I am lucky to have grown up in a world when my innermost thoughts could not be broadcast to the world in a manner of seconds. Men today do not have that luxury. A moment of passion could lead to the loss of your job, the alienation of your peers, and complete ostracism by the rest of society. So, instead of making your opinions about controversial subjects known to world, just take an extra day to post your thoughts.


How to Get a Date

27 Jul

dinner date07

Long before the internet, Facebook, and fancy dating sites people did something a little different in order to date each other. They talked to one another. By combining the most effective methods that many different men use to approach and make lasting impressions and connections with women, has compiled the most effective way for men to find and date women.

Step 1: Pick a level

To effectively talk to and date women, you first have to decide what the lowest level of attractiveness that a woman can be and still peak your interest. Observe all the smaller things that make a woman beautiful like her smile, her hands and feet, her cup size, waist to hip ratio, and how well she is dressed. Basic attraction is the focal point of this exercise. In order to date a woman, you first have to know what type of woman you want. Though it is objectifying and possibly sexist, rate the women that you see on a scale of 1-10 and find your minimum. You must then rate yourself honestly. If you are short, balding and overweight then, the minimum number for the level of attraction on your prospective mates should be towards the lower end of the scale. This small, simple activity forces men into self-introspection about themselves, and their needs and desires in a mate.


Step 2: Talk to Her

Every time that you see a woman that meets the minimum of your criteria for an attractive women, talk to her. This step is both the most difficult and the easiest step. If you are not particularly accustomed to approaching women, then continuously striking up conversation may be challenging at first, however the payoff is well worth the struggle. The more you talk to women, the easier engaging them becomes for you. Once you get past worrying about the possibility of rejection, your confidence will soar and you will be more attractive to women. The hardest step is making the first one.

Step 3: Do Not Hit on Her

Resist the urge to say all the foul things that are now swirling around in your head. Fight your desire to tell her how beautiful she is, trust me she hears it all the time. Just talk to her. The most effective advances are the ones where women feel most comfortable, and unless she has signaled you in to converse with her, when you approach a woman her defenses will be up. So, make a flippant comment about something that she is doing. If she has obviously just finished working out (because you noticed that she is wearing a sweat-stained tank top and running shorts), but she has cookies in her basket, then make a joke about her choice. If you are polite, endearing, and funny, this small gesture shows her your sense of humor and makes you less-threatening to her. Anything that you can find that may be useful in making a small connection with her is fair game. You should probably avoid the feminine hygiene aisle.


Step 4: Slow Down, Speedy

Once you have charmed her with your witty assertions about her grocery choices, your intuition may tell you to ask her for her phone number while you still have her attention, but that would be the wrong choice. Introduce yourself formally and ask her a benign question about her life. Then, tell her it was nice to meet her and walk away. At this time, she will be trying to figure out why you did not ask for her number. Turn around slowly, tell her how, “you never do this,” and then ask her for her number.


Step 5: Plan a Date

Sit down, plan a grown-up activity, and call her. Try to keep the phone call brief and fun, and tell her you are looking forward to seeing her. Believe it or not, some women do not want to have an extended phone conversation if they do not really know you, and a quick call lessens the chance that you you say something stupid before you meet her. Blowing any chance of a good connection before you actually see the woman again is not what you want here.

The only thing that is left to do is to use all that natural charm that you possess. And, who knows,  maybe you’ll get invited to the no-pants party.

Learning to Talk to Women: What We Can Learn from Hank Moody

19 Jul

The Showtime series Californication haphazardly provides men with shrewd insight into the minds of women in nearly every episode. This series centers around Hank Moody, a womanizing, alcoholic writer who regularly screws up everything in his life and screws over every person that he holds most dear. And, though that synopsis of the series sounds both tragic and hollow, the show is fairly nuanced and approaches Moody’s complex character through comedy. Hank Moody, with all his flaws, perfectly executes a lot of simple behaviors that makes him extremely desirable to the fairer sex. The following is a breakdown of all the characteristics that Hank utilizes that the average guy can use to make himself more attractive to women. hank moody Candidness and Sincerity

Hank Moody’s most potent weapon in his ongoing search for companionship is his openness and truthfulness with women. He wants Karen, his ex, he wants to reconcile with his daughter, and he wants his family to be whole. Instead of hiding these things, Moody tells every women that he meets those things the moment that he begins a conversation with them. He always lets women know what his intentions are from the beginning. But, Karen has remarried, his daughter lives with his ex and her husband, and he spends the rest of his time drinking and pretending to write. Women know who and what they are getting from him from the start of their liaison, so they can make a decision about moving into a relationship with him, whether that relationship be romantic or purely sexual. Moody is an open book to anyone that he meets, and that is both rare and refreshing to the opposite sex. So many guys go into relationships with secrets, but Hank Moody is both candid and sincere from the start. He tells women the truth about himself, about themselves, and about his situation. Because he can not have what he wants, he is willing to have a little fun on the side. Moody is transparent to women in regards to his faults, and he gives them the truth about their own shortcomings when asked. He has the uncanny ability to turn a honest critique of a woman into a complement, because he is willing to talk about the things that most men avoid. And, he only talks about his sexual interest with a woman after he has also shown that he interested in her as a person. As a bachelor, giving honest assessments of your relationship status and disclosing your sexual intentions with a woman sets you apart from most of the dating crowd. Most men have their “representative” present on dates instead of just being themselves. These men avoid tough questions, especially when the answers to those questions may upset their date. To make an impression with a lady, be yourself not your rep. Like Hank Moody, you should always be honest and be sincere with women. It allows them to accept you where you are emotionally, financially, and mentally. Disclose who you are and what you want, and women will be receptive to you. hank moody03 Blithe, Affable Nonchalance

Though honesty really is the most important factor when building an intimate relationship with the opposite sex, attitude is nearly as important. There are exactly two male archetypes that almost every woman in the world find attractive, the strong, silent type who seems both stoic and mysterious, and the laid-back, self-deprecating introspective man who makes people feel at ease around him. And, Hank Moody has the latter character type down to a science. He approaches every moment of his life with a little lightheartedness and candor. Though his view of the world is decidedly cynical, his outlook on daily life is surprisingly bright and carefree. Hank likes to laugh, and he finds the humor in almost every situation, good or bad. He does not take himself too seriously, so people tend to drop their guard around him and be themselves rather than keep up the masks that they use in public. His laid-back demeanor allows women to pull down the emotional walls that protect their feelings. And since, Hank is always straightforward with his intentions, women know what to expect from him. He laughs at himself often, so his friends, and of course the women that he pursues have permission to laugh at themselves. Hank sets a great example of how to approach the inevitable obstacles of the human existence with his breezy, insouciant attitude. The characterizing moments that are most difficult in life are often out of your control, so learn to find the humor in them. With a little introspection, you will realize that you are not nearly as important as you thought you were, and recognizing your stature could be freeing rather than demoralizing. The guy who thinks too highly of himself comes off as a pompous jerk even when he is an important man. But, the man who knows that he is just like everyone else shines when he is among his peers even when he is more important than them. And, women notice a man’s general disposition, specifically a man who makes them feel better about themselves and their situation. hank moody06 Self-Awareness and Confidence

Hank Moody knows himself, flaws and all. And because he knows himself, he has been able to come to terms with all his shortcomings. He has embarrassed himself countless times and alienated himself from the love of his life and his child. He has lost numerous lucrative job opportunities because of his sometimes childish behavior and his personal code of ethics, but he is satisfied with who he is and does not intend to change. Moody knows Moody, he understands what he wants, and he exudes that to everyone that he meets. His confidence attracts people to him, and it appeals directly to the ladies. Hank does not use lines when he approaches women, because he is comfortable enough in his own skin to do and say whatever he wants. His confidence is not a façade. He knows his worth or lack of worth depending on the situation, he extends that self-assessment to whomever he has engaged in conversation, and then he tells them the honest truth about their situation. You have to be confident in your ability to entertain women and comfortable in your own skin to effectively charm the opposite sex. People are drawn to confidence, and your countenance decides how successful you will be with the opposite sex or how poorly you will do in the dating world. Because Hank believes he has the capacity to seduce women, he is actively involved in pursuing, conversing with, and ultimately being emotionally and physically intimate with them. He has insecurities like any other person, but he does not let them paralyze him or change his self-perception. You should not let fear and insecurity paralyze you either. The first step to improving your confidence is improving your opinion of yourself. Find the characteristics that you find the most appealing and accentuate them whether they be physical or mental. If you have striking eyes, wear contacts instead of frames. If you have strong intellect, then flash a little gentle sarcasm, especially if you can keep it funny and non-threatening. Highlight your best parts and you will become noticeably more comfortable in your own skin and more attractive to the ladies. A huge portion of a person’s confidence comes from finding a part of their person that is unique to them. The next step to being more confident is training yourself to try for the things that you want. Confidence is built on success, and there can be no success without the opportunity for it. You have to attempt to get the things you desire including, but not limited to women. Guys often overestimate and avoid rejection to the point that they do not try to win. Remember that the worst thing that a woman can do to you publicly is tell you that she is not interested. She can only tell you no. And, though some women will inevitably turn you down, others will be interested in you. The more you talk to women, the more comfortable you will be talking to them, and the better you will become at it. Once you begin actively pursuing women, you can begin to find the women with whom you have a compatible personality type. Finding the woman who is specifically looking for a man like you will boost that confidence even more, and could lead you to the woman of your dreams. hank moody05 He Listens

The old adage that you have two ears and one mouth for a reason rings true with old Hank Moody. Hank Moody listens to women, and he understands that women connect through communication. Ladies need to express their emotions verbally, so he gives them the opportunity to express themselves candidly, and most importantly, without judgement. He connects with ladies by permitting them to disclose any and everything without feeling judged. A silly whim, a basic fundamental need, or their deepest, darkest desire is willfully and enthusiastically entertained by Hank Moody. No matter how terrible a woman has behaved in her past, she is never met with his disapproval. There are two lessons that can be gleamed from Moody when it comes to listening. One, always actively listen to women who have graced you with their company.They are comfortable enough with you to share their emotions, so you should at the very least, show them that you care about what they are telling you. And two, if you want to continue the trend of women intimating their secrets to you, do not make them feel uncomfortable while talking to you. If a woman feels like you disapprove of her actions, then she will not share anything else with you.

Hank Moody is by no means a perfect guy. He is tragically flawed as a character, emotionally immature, nonchalant to a fault, and sometimes overly confident. However, Hank is perfectly suited to pursuing and dating the opposite sex. He uses genuine sincerity, a little lightheartedness, a confident countenance, and plenty of attentiveness to the fairer sex to help him get closer to women. And, if you follow his lead, you will find that you will be a lot closer to the opposite sex too.