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10 Things Women Need to Know About Men

22 Jan

understanding men

1. We have emotions.

We’re not necessarily sensitive, but we are human, thus, we have emotions. We like to be complimented, such as: you’re such a great husband and father; I appreciate how hard you work, etc. We enjoy random texts or emails that say how much you like us or how hot we are. Basically I’m saying men like their ego stroked.

 

2. We do not EVER want to hear about or meet any of your ex’s.

Men are visual creatures, so if we ever meet or hear about one of your ex’s we instantly visualize you sleeping with him…bad times. Same is true if you ever say another guy is hot or crane your neck to check him out; prepare for an argument.

 

3. We don’t need you to like sports, per se…

We do, however, appreciate you knowing about our favorite teams and players (not very hard if you pay attention, as we probably talk about them a lot). We’d like you to know the basics of the game…it’s really sexy. We don’t need to have PTI type debates with you, because that’s what our buddies are for, but we’d like you to do just a little bit of homework (this is pretty easy in this day and age considering Google and Wikipedia). For example, my mother can recognize a false start or pass interference penalty in a football game, however, she can’t recognize something more complicated like ineligible man downfield or illegal formation. This took some effort on her part, and I’m sure my dad appreciates that.

 

4. Certain phrases are taboo.

We need to talk; let’s talk; can we talk for a minute; can you turn the tv off for a second. All these mean to us are: 1. prepare for an argument, 2. what did I do wrong this time, and/or, 3. what am I not doing now? We immediately get on the defensive, and that’s not a good thing for you or for us.

 

5. We don’t want to have an extensive conversation after sex.

After sex we just want to sleep (or leave the premises as fast as possible to avoid cuddling if we’re really not that into you). We don’t want to talk about how Kristen and Doug’s marriage is on the rocks, which tile to get for the bathroom, or why that lady in your office didn’t hold the elevator for you, but did for your girlfriend. If we like you we’ll do the cuddling thing, but please, can we have a lot less post coital conversation.

 

6. Men will fake a relationship just to have sex.

This is extremely awful, but also extremely factual. Easy solution is respect your body and don’t sleep with the guy after the 1st date just because he’s a smooth talker, and/or because he drives a BMW, and/or because he’s wearing expensive clothes and shades (even though it’s nighttime or inside a club). He will either never call you again, or he’ll keep “dating” you until he finds someone he likes better.

 

7. High quality men don’t want a docile woman.

This isn’t to be confused with a shy or introverted person, because these women still have souls. Be yourself and hold firm to what you believed in before you met us. If you’re a Republican and pro-life, don’t change to a Democratic pro-choicher just because the dude you met is. Don’t do everything we say do or agree with everything we say please. If we wanted another possession, we’d simply just go to Best Buy and buy one. We’re dating you because we respect your opinions and you stimulate us mentally. Remember this goes for respectable guys. Lame dudes want to dominate and manipulate susceptible women because they can’t handle strong women. Respect yourself, respect your body, and be a strong women (if you don’t know what that means, you’re on the right website).

 

8. We only agree to watch horrid shows like “The Bachelor” to see the women.

Trust me, we don’t care if Mindy or Sarah gets the rose at the end of the show or not. We just want to see her impeccable body in a bikini. There are two other small benefits to watching women argue and be catty with each other on camera. Firstly, it makes us grateful that our lady isn’t an attention starved, gold digger, with no soul; secondly, we like to see the awkward conversations that follow when the girls deny sleeping with the bachelor (when it’s obvious that they have to just to win).

 

9. Yes it does make us feel special when you ask us to fix something or open something.

Remember that whole stroking the ego thing? After being emasculated by things such as car seats, The Notebook, and matching outfits in holiday family photos, there’s nothing better than finally being asked to use that Y chromosome.

 

10. Yes we want you to take our last name when we get married.

It’s not that we want to own you after we put that incredibly expensive piece of jewelry on your finger, it’s more of a comprise thing. When a dude marries a woman, he agrees to lower his testosterone levels by doing such things as: being completely monogamous (despite getting so much more attention from women once we commit), watching movies that star Jennifer Aniston or Meryl Streep, going on double dates with your friends and their usually lame husbands, trading in our sports car for something that can house a car seat, getting rid of our video game, comic book, and baseball card collections, and throwing away all of our Victoria Secret and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue magazines. All we ask is that you take our last name so we’re not the butt end of jokes from all of our buddies for the rest of our lives. By the way, the whole hyphenating both of our last names is actually worse than you not taking our last name. (Exceptions to this of course are people who need to keep their last names for occupational purposes)

 

Bonus (because we know that you’re curious):

• Do you look fat in that dress? Of course not. (Do you honestly think that any man with a modicum of intelligence would answer anything else to that question?  We accept that you’ve put on a few pounds since we’ve started dating; we probably have also, but don’t tempt us by trying to squeeze into a size 1 dress if you’re a size 6. Most importantly, please don’t even ask us something like this.)

• Do we think any of your friends are hot? Of course not sweetie. (Men know that women either roll in a pack that has a bevy of hot friends, or none at all {and you’re the only hot one, of course}. Either way we’d NEVER admit that).

• Do we like what you did with your hair? Of course! (Whatever it is you did with it.)

• Do we miss you? Of course! (Women are soft and smell really good, we like being around that…except during the 4th quarter of a playoff game.)

• Do these pants make your butt look big? Of course not! (Unless you’re a black woman and you don’t see this as disparaging, but rather as a compliment.)

• What do you think about her (random hot chick in the mall)? I can’t believe she’s wearing those pants that are so tight! (Seriously, why even go here, unless you want us to ogle that young hottie?)

• Would I like to eat lunch with you and your mother? Of course I would, but I really have this thing for work that I have to finish. (Of course we would, but we have this thing for work that we really have to finish.)

How to Text Better

17 Jan

woman texting04

Texting has become an essential part of the dating landscape in the last few years. Before, a guy had to call and hold a decent conversation with a lady if he wanted to pursue her, but in this generation of immediacy a strong text game is all that is necessary to do well with the ladies. Women have their phones with them all the time. It is next to them when they wake up in the morning and when they go to sleep at night. It is with them in classrooms or business meetings. A woman’s phone never leaves her side, so it is a useful tool in wooing her. But, everyone’s text skills are not up to par despite the importance of texting in today’s texting landscape. Here are a few do and do not’s when texting a new woman.

woman texting - good or bad

Do: Keep It Simple

Guys often worry about creating some elaborate, clever text to wow the woman that they are pursuing. And, the first text is important, however it does not have to be complex. A good text, especially the first one, is about simplicity and connection. Make sure that you use her name in the text, and make sure you say your name. If there was some significant moment that she would remember or some nickname that you made up for her, then mention it. That moment or name serves as a good reference point for her, and it points to the connection that the two of you have already made.

Do Not: Keep It Casual

A decent grasp of the English language is completely necessary to avoid coming off like a douchebag in text messages. Your texts to a hot girl who does not you, but may like you are not the place for “Wassup? Wat r u doing?” The woman who receives texts like these are laughing at you with their friends, and immediately friend-zoning you. And, that is if she calls you at all after your small bout with idiocy.

Do: Show Some Personality

If you make the same drab conversation that every other guy that texts her does, then she will lose your number quickly. Believe me some of those boring guys are better looking than you, some have considerably more money, and some are both rich and handsome. Fortunately for you Quasimodo, personality trumps looks and cash. This is the time to text something clever and/or weird. It sets you apart. So, tell her you have been kicking puppies or planning world domination when she asks you what you have done today. Tell her you have been looking for a pretty girl to have a drink with and ask her if she knows any. Whatever you do, make sure that you stand out from the rest of the guys who are actively pursuing her.

Do Not: Kill Your Own Conversation

Progressing your conversation with an attractive woman should be the only goal of your text messages. That means asking the types of questions that lead your lady to talk about herself, and a lot of men fail right here. Asking yes and no questions are a dating death sentence. She will inevitably label you boring if you can not keep her talking, so learn to ask open ended questions. Instead of texting, “Did you have a good day?” Text her, “What happened at your job today?” And, follow up with something specific that she has said to you about her job, like asking about her annoying coworker, her abrasive boss, or her big project. Texting is about finding the subjects that are important to the woman that you are pursuing and allowing her to be expressive about them. Never limit your conversation by narrowing down the answers that she could give you with dead-end texts.

Do: Paint Pictures

The reason that Donald Trump won a presidential election and the reason that millions of women read cheesy erotic novels with Fabio on the cover is because people, and particularly women, respond to imagery that touches their individual emotions. Trump built his campaign on separatism and the mental picture of a huge wall protecting the U.S. from illegal aliens. Both are strong,visual ideals. Romance novels tie powerful sensual and sexual themes with individual imagination to hook their readers. Sensory language is wildly effective. So, you should use language that paints vivid pictures when sending a text. Instead of saying, “It is a pretty day.” Say, “Cool breeze blowing, golden rays on my face. Does it get any better?” Paint a picture for her.

dick pic - reaction

Do Not: Bring Up Sex

One of the worst mistakes that you can make in your texts with any woman is talking about sex before you have had sex with her. First, she probably already thinks that guys are brain-dead idiots who are always trying to stick their penises in every random hole that they can find. And second, most guys who text her have already tried unsuccessfully to get her to talk about sex. Wait for her to initiate sexy talk. If she finds you attractive, then you will know it. And, never send an unsolicited dick pic. Nothing good has ever come of it.

Do: Call Her

Texting works, but eventually she is going to want to hear your voice. Build on you text messages by keeping similar themes. If you texted her with a funny tone initially, then continue to tell jokes when you call or meet her. Show her the same wit and color that you used in your texts when you meet her.

Do Not: Keep Calling or Texting

She saw your text. She chose not to respond. And, that does not necessarily mean that she is not interested in you. What it does mean is that she decided not to text you back immediately when you texted her. Do not attempt to contact her more than twice without her responding to you. Too many texts make you look desperate, and it ruins your chance of connecting with her. She may have been busy. She may not be interested in you. Either way, calling her or texting her multiple times will not change her feelings toward you. Craft a fun text and wait for her to respond.

 

Understand that handsome and attractive are two different things, and that how you look has no effect in a text message. So, if you are an average-looking guy with a strong text game, you can be just as effective with women as a guy who physically looks better than you. And, if you are a great-looking guy with a weak text game, then you will miss out on a lot of women who may be interested in you. Follow these texting rules if you want to use your phone as a dating weapon. Your texting skills may be the difference between a night with a beautiful woman and a night alone.

Are You His Sidepiece?

16 Jan

side chick03

When Valentine’s Day approaches, some men are scurrying to buy flowers online for their partners while others are headed to the nearest jewelry store in search of a quick gift. Most men are planning and making reservations at expensive restaurants to quantify their love to the women in their lives. However, a few men are scheduling time for another reason. These men are fighting to keep their secret undercover. And ladies, you might very well be that secret. Relationships are difficult to maintain, and your fidelity does not insure the fealty of your partner. Monogamy is elusive in 2015. Here are a few hints that will let you know if you are his side chick.

side chick02

#1. You Never Celebrate Holidays on the Holiday

February 15th has slowly, but steadily become an unofficial day of appreciation for all the mistresses and “other women” in America. Its official title is National Sidepiece Day. The guys who take their girlfriend out on the 14th of February, make time for their mistress on the 13th or the 15th. And this rule does not apply solely to Valentine’s Day. Think about how often your man actually spends holidays with you. If you have missed four of the last five holidays with your man due to him working, him going out of town, him being worn out from his work week, or some other reason, then you are probably the other woman. Men make time for the woman that they love on special days. And remember ladies, President’s Day and Labor Day do not count towards this assessment. When was the last time that you spent quality minutes with your man on a core holiday? Thanksgiving, Christmas, July the 4th, etc. are your barometers. If your guy is always missing on those days, then he might be someone else’s guy too.

#2. He Will Not Take Pictures with You

Some men genuinely do not like taking pictures of themselves. There is nothing wrong with a man who can actually pass by a mirror without staring at his reflection. However, if your guy absolutely refuses to take pictures with you, is constantly hiding his face when you take pictures, and starts yelling for you to erase that selfie that you took with him in the background, then he might be covering up his relationship with you. If he does not want anyone to know that the two of you are together, then it could be because you are his little secret. A guy who cares will take a picture with you even if it makes him uncomfortable. A guy with a side chick avoids evidence of his cheating like the plague.

side chick

#3. He Will Not Let You Post Pictures of Him

Once again, there is nothing wrong with a guy having a little reticence about having his picture posted on the internet. Those photos last forever. However, when a man demands that you erase any picture of him from your Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media that you have, then he may be hiding something. Whether we like it or not, social media is here to stay. And, it serves as the new medium for public displays of affection (PDA). The average guy does not want the entire world to know his every move through a video diary taken by you, however the occasional post about a good date should not be shot down. A man that shuts down any PDA through social media is either a social pariah, a FBI agent, or another woman’s husband.

#4. You Never Go Out

Unless you are living like America’s family, the Kennedy’s or the Kardashian’s (whichever you prefer), you are probably not going to eat out at a restaurant for every meal as an adult. The ability to cook a good, home-cooked meal is reason enough for a man to stay with a woman in 2015 since a lot of women can not cook. But, any decent boyfriend takes his girl out for a night of fine dining on the town sooner or later. And, if you do not go out for dinner, you should be going out for a night of dancing or drinking or something. A couple in love spends some time together in the view of other adults. The guy who avoids a night on the town with you is avoiding being seen with you. You are either too fat, ugly, or whorish to be seen in public with your guy, or he has a wife that he is hiding from you. Be careful if you only visit cozy, dimly lit places on the outskirts of town too. He may be taking you out solely to appease you.

booty call

This is how he sees you if all the calls are after dark.

#5. He Never Calls Before 11 p.m.

If a guy only calls you between the hours of 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., then unfortunately, you have been cast into the men’s version of the friend zone. And, just like all your friend-zoned male buddies, there is nothing that you can do to escape your fate. You are a booty call. It does not matter how pretty you are, what a great personality you have, or how interesting of a life that you live. You are essentially a nice pair of boobs, a butt, and three serviceable holes to him. The only reason that this guy calls you is to get between your legs or to get your face between his legs. Accept it and move on.

Making Men’s Lives Better: Random Wisdom from a Smart Guy

15 Jan

feels good

Every now and then, guys need a little helpful advice to guide them through the daily struggles of just being a man. Men come under constant scrutiny from a litany of aggressors that address a multitude of problems that past generations have not faced. In layman’s terms, it is hard out there for a man. If you are White, you have to deal with the other ethnicities, sexes, genders, and minorities beginning to find some semblance of equality after 400 years of unencumbered oppressiveness. If you are over the age of 14, then you have to navigate the #MeToo movement while suppressing your desire to pee on women in a non-aggressive way. If you are over the age of 45, then you have to worry about erectile dysfunction. Or maybe, don’t worry about it because that exacerbates the problem. The point is that being a man is more difficult now than it has ever been. Here is a little unwarranted advice on how to get through the world of today while being the modern man.

professional baby mother

Brynn Cameron will never have to work again. She is a professional baby momma with children from NBA superstar Blake Griffin and Matt Leinart of the NFL.

Don’t Date “Public Figures”

Social media represents a field of potential landmines for men. One wrong statement about a hot button topic in the virtual world, and you can be ostracized in the real world. People are losing their jobs over ignorant comments that they made online because the internet has made the world much smaller and more accessible than it has ever been. And, social media has changed the game for women. Beautiful women have become public figures on Instagram or Snapchat, and can make a decent living by just being pretty. When you add that newly found power shift to the scientific fact that every woman under the age of 35 thinks that they deserve to be with a man who is rich and/or famous, then you have a legitimate recipe for disaster for men. We may have always been in over our heads with women, but with social media men are officially outmatched. Average guys have no shot at Instagram hotties because celebrities often fawn over them just long enough to sleep with them (raising their imagined status). Joe Citizen cannot keep a hot chick who has over 10,000 followers because he has to fight off Drake, all the other rappers, and all the professional athletes in the world for their attention. Rappers and pros are willing to spend thousands of dollars in a night flying women to expensive locations in order to bed the exotic “model” with a crazy figure i.e. India Westbrooks or Hannah Stocking. Joe Citizen barely makes thousands of dollars in a month. When the most popular millionaires in the world are after your girlfriend, especially when said millionaires are also better looking than you and in perfect shape, you are going to lose your girlfriend. But, celebrities should not waste their time with social media divas either. Those athletes and entertainers are in a unique position where they have nothing to gain from engaging with a social media “public figure” other than sex. If the “model” sleeps with a celebrity and posts pictures or videos of the encounter on social media, then that celebrity faces public embarrassment and stands to lose endorsements (especially if he is married or in a relationship), which ultimately means he loses money. In the same scenario, the “model” gains popularity from the scandal, and gets more followers which equals more money for her. And, if the Instagram model gets pregnant, then she really gets paid. She can officially retire from any hard work because she has essentially “earned” a monthly paycheck worth 25% of that celebrity’s financial value for the next 18 years. Child support is the end goal for a lot of women on social media.

me too movement

#MeToo

Guys please listen. If you are not saying something in support of women or imparting your own personal story into the #MeToo conversation as a man, then quietly disembark from all talk about the subject. You cannot win an argument concerning sexual misconduct, sexual harassment, or sexual assault because any disagreement on the subject of abuse comes across as misogynistic and oppressive. Men have it pretty good. Besides being physically bigger and stronger than women, men are also placed in higher positions of power than women. They abuse this power.  A “Me Too” conversation is not the time for you talk about how the movement unfairly victimizes men. This is not the time for you to talk about how women are using the movement to progress their careers instead of moving towards healing. This is not the time to differentiate between a bad sexual encounter and sexual assault or rape. This is also not the time to take up for celebrities like Aziz Ansari or Casey Affleck, or talk about the statute of limitations on accusations of sexual misconduct. Anything that you say other than giving a clear affirmation that sexual harassment, misconduct, and assault is wrong sounds like a clear message that you either hate or do not respect women. Take this message from a woman that you love, your mother. If you do not have something nice to say, then say nothing at all. So, shut up with all your off-base comments on #MeToo. And, on a related note….

black lives matter movement02

Black Lives Matter

Matters of race are just as controversial and dangerous as sex topics for guys. There is no way to avoid sounding like an idiot or a flaming bigot when you denigrate any movement that is fighting for equality. Causes like Black Lives Matter do not promote Black and Brown lives being more important than other lives. They are pointing out the lack of importance that Black lives seem to have to the majority. People of color are not stealing jobs from more valuable candidates because of the creation and proliferation of affirmative action. Affirmative action was put in place to balance a system that under-educates, abuses, and ignores minorities. When you hear about a case of police brutality, do not ask if the victim had a criminal record or ask what the victim did to exacerbate the violence in the encounter. If your nephew was beaten by a group of police officers or shot and killed without a weapon being found on his person, would his criminal history matter to you? No. Do not start a conversation about how National Football League players who kneel during the national anthem to protest the aforementioned police brutality are unpatriotic and uncivil. The protest is not an affront on the national flag. It is a fight against inequality, and it is non-violent. Even if you disagree with the method that is being used, that does not dismiss the premise. You sound like an over-opinionated, under-informed segregationist zealot. A criminal record should not be a death sentence for minorities, and NFL players are protesting the flag because in their opinion, the flag represents an ideal of the equality that is not afforded a large number of people of color. Unarmed Black men are regularly relegated to more violence at the hands of police than armed, violent White men. And, this is not your opportunity to express how Black on Black crime is high, but the media ignores it. Black on Black crime is a separate issue to be addressed at a separate time because crime is a function of proximity. White on White crime is high. Brown on Brown crime is too. People commit crimes against the people who live near them and most people live in neighborhoods that consist of people with shared ethnicities. Look at government statistics before you make ignorant comments, and if you are considering making comments that antagonize an entire race of people, then just be quiet.

friend zone - getting out

Hot Women with No Dates

When a man says that he is not seeing anyone, his phone is as dry as the Sahara. There are no women in his life because women do not like him. He may be unattractive physically, he may be broke, or he may be an asshole, but this guy could not coax female kittens near him with cold cuts in his hands. But, that is not at all true for women. When a woman says that she is not dating anyone, especially a hot woman, that means that she does not like her options, not that there are no options. What does that mean to you? It means that until you impress her, she has at least eight guys who are vying for her time and affection. And, if you mess up, then she will ignore you like she has already ignored guys 9 and 10. Beautiful women always have choices, and if you are not her choice then you will be pushed aside completely, or worse, put into the friend zone purgatory. So, do yourself a favor and stop talking to her if she is not interested in you. You cannot change a woman’s mind once she has made a decision about you, and all the work that you put in trying to convince her of your worth will be be in vain. You will take her on shopping dates and hear about all the men that mistreat her. Depending on how comfortable she is with you, you may have to hear exactly all the sexual debauchery that happens in her life while she tells you what a great catch you will be for someone else. No man should endure this pain. When a lady tells you that she does not like you, believe her.