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How to Sext

27 May


People love sex, and with the constant advancements of technology, people are finding new ways to have sex and new ways to convince people to have sex with them. Sexting is where technology meets sex. The Fappening should be reason enough for people, especially celebrities, to stop taking nudes of themselves and sending them to other people, but sex drives us as human beings. Here are a few rules for sexting if you have to do it.

1. Use Words, NOT Pictures

A dirty text could be considerably more powerful than the random dick or tit pic. People are visually stimulated, however intellectual stimulation uses a person’s mind to excite them even further. The right choice of words can set your partner’s imagination on fire with desire. Something as simple as saying “I can’t wait to taste you,” peaks the curiosity of both men and women.

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2. Cover Your Face

If you decide to send a nude instead of writing something sexy, then keep your face or any distinguishing birthmarks or tattoos out of the frame. You have hit the gym relentlessly, your body is smoking hot, and you want to show off all your hard work to the object of your affections. But, can you trust that person to do the right thing with the pictures if you break up? Emotions can lead people into some pretty bad decisions, and pictures on the internet last forever. If you keep out any distinct features – like your face – then nothing short of extensive FBI technological espionage could link you to your sext.

3. Keep Your Clothes On

Taking a sexy picture is not completely about nudity. You can show someone else your body without putting an incriminating photo into the Twitter-sphere. Ladies, a nice selfie in a bikini with a dirty message is just as effective as baring your breasts to guys. And honestly guys, very few women actually want a dick pic from you. Unless you are hiding a 11-inch monster in your pants and you can verify the size with a soda can, showing a woman your trouser snake will probably not lead to sex. But, a shirtless picture of you in some board shorts might get her juices flowing especially if you are in decent shape.


4. Double-Check Your Sext

Do you know what is worse than your new boyfriend/girlfriend showing his/her friends your topless or bottomless picture and/or placing it on the internet? You sending the same picture to your mom or dad is worse. Besides becoming the physical manifestation of shame and regret for parents, you will also get a long and dreadful talk about your poor and still declining life decisions. Always check who is receiving the text before you press send.

7 Reasons She Will Not Give You A Blowjob

20 May

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The world is just a sadder place without oral sex. People, in general, can be much more difficult and much more irritable if they are not being laid regularly, and some people simply do not function as well without it. Sex clears the mind, it gets the blood flowing, and it offers both physical and emotional release to those who engage in it. But, sometimes, as a busy professional man, you do not have the time or energy for an all-night back-breaking session of mind-altering coitus. A good blowjob is the perfect substitute. But, your lady friend may be a little hesitant to oblige your request. Here are the top reasons that she may turn you down for a little special attention down there.


1. Lack of Manscaping

Some guys will tell you that they would never shave any hair from their bodies, and question your manhood aggressively and publicly if you ever mentioned grooming yourself out loud. Those guys are not getting regular blowjobs, so ignore them. Women do not like stray hairs from your ”crotchal” regions stuck in their teeth. That bush that surrounds your package like an afro swallowing a hot dog needs to be hacked back before you ask a woman to spend some face time in your lap. Take a razor, a machete, or a weed whacker to your man-bits and get your pubes under control if you want to give your lady a zipper dinner.

2. You Are Disgusting

You have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer when you are asking for a blowjob, and she is less than impressed with your colloquialisms for “rooster” blowing. You push the back of her head towards your groin when she is laying on your chest, you make sure that the front of your pants are positioned at eye level whenever she bends down, and you force fingers into her mouth at random times. Believe me, she understands you. She is simply ignoring your feeble attempts at getting blowjob. The only way to ask for a blowie is to actually ask for one.

3. No Really, You Actually Are Disgusting

Bad hygiene kills any chance of a woman putting her mouth on you where the sun does not shine. If you are physically disgusting in addition to being crass and tactless, then women will avoid your privates like the plague. The area between your butthole and your peehole smells like rotting garlic cloves vomited into ripe, used gym socks. And for some ungodly reason, you only feel the need to shower every other day. If you want your lady to stick her head in that cesspool of bodily fluids and odor, then you need to clean your taint. There is dirt, sweat, and the remnants of semen and urine hanging out in your underwear. Wash your balls before you show them to her.

4. You Think You Are A Porn Star

Unless you were lucky enough to hook up with Gabby “No Gag Reflex” Patrinelli from the neighborhood, or you actually married a porn star, then your partner probably does not want you to ram your pelvis into her face when she finally does decide to give you some head. When you are dating the average girl, trying to stuff your salami down her throat may be a bad idea. Besides the possibility of black eye if you miss your target, there is also a good chance that some previously digested food may reenter the picture. And, there is nothing sexy about vomit….unless you are into that. If a woman decides to charm the trousersnake, be a gentleman.

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5. She Does Not Like To Do It

Yes, these women still exist. She may have had a strict religious background or she may just not like the taste of penis. But, either way she has a deeply rooted aversion to your man meat which means no blowies for you. You either leave this woman or resign yourself to a lifetime without one of the most undeniably simple pleasures on this Earth. There is very little you can do to convince a prudish woman to be more adventurous in the bedroom. Coercion, bribery, and threats of violence will not get her mouth anywhere near your pants until she decides to make a change.

6. You Never Finish

To quote the late, urban philosophy of Bernie Mac on the subject of climaxing, “Stop all that hollering, and bust a nut!” Even if she loves you down to the fibers of your soul, no woman wants to work her hands, jaw, and neck for twenty minutes without a reward. Stop all that extra moaning and groaning. She is not impressed by your sounds of man-passion, and honestly, her jaw is probably starting to hurt. When a woman is blessing you with a little mouth-to-junk resuscitation, get in there and get it done. Stop all that hollering, and bust a nut!

7. You Are Too Big

You stud, you may just be too much man for her. Everybody does not have a ten inch “Richard” in their pants, but you do. Your girlfriend, wife, or the random stranger that you have convinced to do the no-pants dance with you physically can not accommodate your manhood with her mouth. You hit the genetic lottery with that baby arm resting quietly in the front of your slacks. Congratulations, having an enormous beef whistle that completely fills out a pair of Calvin Klein underwear earned you a lifetime without good blowjobs.

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What Not to Say to Black People

17 May

what not to say to black people

In an effort to ease relationships between the races, has put together a more simplified approach for different types of people to understand each other. Public relations can be difficult to manage, especially when two types of people from dissimilar backgrounds are forced into close proximity with one another. Ignorance is not racism, but it can be perceived that way. So, we enlisted the help of several Black people and translated the most offensive questions and comments that they regularly encounter into what those comments really mean, what they were supposed to convey, and a useful alternative to the offensive language.

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“Your name is so hard to pronounce.”

What You Said: You are not important enough to me for me to attempt learning your name. I know how to say Saoirse Ronan (SEER-sha, RO-nahn), Charlize Theron (SHAR-lees, THAIR-en), Shia Lebouf (SHY-uh, luh-Buhf), and Zach Galifianakas (ZAK, GAL-i-fe-nak-iss) even though they are not native names here in America, but DeAndre Jordan (DEE-un-dray, JOR-duhn) eludes me.

What You Meant to Say: Your name does not sound like it is spelled.

What You Should Say: Could you say your name one more time? Let me make sure I have it.


“You speak so well. You’re so articulate.”

What You Said: I do not know a lot of Black people, and you do not fit into my perception of what Black people are. You are not loud, you seem intelligent, and you have a decent sense of decorum. That’s weird because all the Black people in the media are loud, ignorant, and acting like a fool most of the time.

What You Meant to Say: I misjudged you. I had no idea that Black people were educated and well-spoken.

What You Should Say: We need to talk more. I had no idea that you were so well-versed in this subject.


“You’re not like other Black people.”

What You Said: You, who have been relegated to all the negative stereotypes and criticism that are associated with being Black for the entirety of your life, are not Black enough to be intimidating. Black people are violent, scary people. You are friendly. I have never actually talked to a Black person before this exact point in my life.

What You Meant to Say: Hey, you seem like a nice, responsible person. And, even though I do not have any Black friends, I kind of want to be your friend.

What You Should Say: You’re cool. Let’s hang out/get a drink sometime.

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“Can I touch your hair?” (while touching their hair in public)

What You Said: Your hair is curly/kinky/stiff/coarse. My hair is normal. Therefore, you are a circus freak with hair that was put here solely for my amusement. Stand still while I ogle you.

What You Meant to Say: Your hair looks completely different from mine, and because I do not know a lot of Black people intimately and I feel relatively comfortable with you, I would love to explore the differences between the textures and coarseness of our hair.

What You Should Say: Are you wearing your hair natural? I love that hairstyle. What did you do to set it like that? (You may be able to sneak in a feel if you know the person)


“What’s up?” (after saying “Good Morning,” to all the White people in the room)

What You Said: You’re different from everyone else. I know this because of your strange skin color.

What You Meant to Say: I think you’re cool because pop culture tells me that you are.

What You Should Say: Good Morning. (Keep the greetings uniform with everyone in the office unless you have a closer relationship with the Black person that gets the “What’s up?”. As a rule, if you have not had a meal or a drink with the person, then “What’s up?” is inappropriate.)


“That’s ghetto.”

What You Said: Anything that looks poor, broken, and raggedy reminds me of poor Black people, because Black people as a group have shoddy things and live in ghettos.

What You Meant to Say: What you are wearing/doing/making is terrible.

What You Should Say: “The stitching on that dress looks cheap.” “That house is in shambles. It needs repairs.” “You really did nothing with your hair today.” (All the preceding comments are still descriptive and degrading, but none of them have racist undertones. Anything that accurately describes what you are seeing can be said without making unwarranted generalizations about that subject.)


“You are so pretty for a Black girl.”

What You Said: Since Black people are ugly in general, I am shocked that you are mildly attractive

What You Meant to Say: You’re cute.

What You Should Say: You look pretty. (Yes, it really is that simple.)


“I don’t see color.”

What You Said: I am so invested in convincing you that I’m not racist, that I will publicly make ignorant comments about race that are obviously not true and ultimately make you question if I am racist. (Darker skin color is a trait that any person of color has had since their birth and it is a defining physical trait. To say that you do not see it is discounting and dismissive.)

What You Meant to Say: I do not judge people based on their race.

What You Should Say: I judge people solely on their merit. The things that you say, how responsible you are, how accountable you are to your loved ones, and how well you work individually and with others will show me the type of person you are.


“All lives matter.”

What You Said: There is way too much focus on the unarmed Black people that are being shot by police. Black people dying does not personally affect me, so we need to shift all that media focus from that subject to the real problem in America, White people dying. I am not being inclusive. I am being an ignorant asshole. And, in case you were wondering about my socioeconomic status and political affiliations, it should be fairly apparent now that I am a poor Republican.

What You Meant to Say: My life is just as valuable as any other life.

What You Should Say: Let me get behind this ‘Black lives matter’ movement because even though all lives matter, other lives are not at as much risk as Black lives right now. (We should be calling for unity instead of separatism when these issues occur.)

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“Why don’t we get a White History Month? Black history month is racist”

What You Said: I think that any event that has a racial connotation to it is an affront on White people. The other 11 months in the year when people focus on the history of White America is not enough. (By the way, there is no such thing as White culture. Being White was a way of separating from being Black in times of slavery. Black people are a specific set of people who were born slaves in America or who are descendants of those slaves. They are not African-American; African-Americans are immigrants from Africa. Black people did not migrate to this country of their own will, but have formed their own culture despite years of persecution and oppression here in the United States, the place where their culture was created. There is German culture, Czech culture, Italian, Jewish, Russian, etc., but there is no White culture. Everyone of those specific European heritages are worthy of celebration and they usually have their own annual festivals in every big city. Celebrating White history would be a celebration of your disregard for people of color; it would be like having a Hitler parade in Germany.

What You Meant to Say: Aren’t we all Americans? I feel neglected by American culture.

What You Should Say: Nothing. The idea of a White History month was born in ignorance, and the best rule when it comes to public relations is, if you are not sure whether something is offensive or not, do not say anything. It probably is offensive.


All The Different Types of Drunk Girls You Will Meet In Your Life

9 May

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Over the course of your life, you will meet many different people who will play different roles in your life. You will remember some of these people and some you will forget, but these particular women will stick in the edges of your memory for a lifetime. Drunk women are nothing if not noteworthy. Below are the eight different types of drunk girls that you will eventually meet.


“The Stripper”

She is not an actual stripper, but after four drinks she will do her best public impersonation of one. This woman will find the closest lap, male or female, and grind on it until she falls on her face or until her dance partner is knocked out of their chair. Her shirt may come off when she is near a pole or she may get on her hands and knees and simulate orgasms, but no matter what happens she will put enough sexual energy in the air to make everyone uncomfortable and create an atmosphere where guys will feel comfortable screaming obscenities at women. For her, the only attention worth working for, is sexual attention. Alcohol is just the mental lubrication that she needs to get started.

“Your New Best Friend”

It always happens around the third drink. This girl takes that magical sip of some alcoholic beverage and feels the deep need to confide in you. She hangs on your arm for dear life, telling you about her last hemorrhoid flare up, the cute thing one of her cats did two weeks ago, and asking advice about the guy who completely ignores her because she talks about her cats and hemorrhoids. She divulges more information than you could ever digest after your second beer, and there is no escaping her. If you go to the restroom, she is at the door waiting for you to come out. When you try to pawn her off on some unsuspecting idiot, she finds her way back to your person like a herpes outbreak. You have a new friend for the night, and you can not shake her.

“The Happy Drunk”

Everything is hilarious to this girl. She will laugh at anything you say, she will buy the next round of drinks, and she is up for just about anything after a few cups of liquor. She is the life of the party. The happy drunk wants to bring everyone together to share in and embrace the moment with them. She is “SOOOOOOO” excited to see you. She is “SUUUPERRRRRRR” happy you made it to the bar. She can not stop smiling and needs to capture every moment with a quick selfie. Everyone loves this woman because she smallest things excite this woman, and she makes everything a little bit lighter and a lot more fun.

“The Pugilist”

Nobody should ever disrespect her in anyway. Nobody. And, no one should ever disrespect her friends either. After a drink or two, any perceived slight will make her loud and angry. This 5’3″, 90 pound blonde turns into Mike Tyson when she gets a few spirits in her and she will challenge any man or woman who is stupid enough to stare in her direction for too long. She is the woman that gets pulled out of nightclubs screaming obscenities and kicking her shoes at some clueless woman who was out drinking with her friends. She is the woman that throws drinks in the face of people. This woman will attack a 400 pound gorilla once a good buzz hits. Keep her away from the bar.

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“The Drama Queen”

After three drinks, she gets deep into her feelings and shares them with everyone who is at the party just like your “new best friend”, however the information that she shares will be decidedly more dramatic. A barrage of “I feel’s,” “I need’s,” “I can’t believe’s,” and “How could you’s,” are coming your way when she starts drinking. She gets hysterical about everything, especially the fact that you used the last of the toilet paper a week ago and did not put a new roll on the roller. The drama queen remembers every mistake that you have made in your lifetime, and reminds you of each one of those errors when she starts drinking. She will do anything to be the center of attention in a moment that is not about her.

“The Professional”

This woman has never seen a drink that she did not like. She drinks beers by the twelve pack, champagne by the bottle, liquor by the glass, and wine by the box. She is completely indiscriminate when it comes to getting a buzz. She knows every hangover cure that exists on the planet, from raw eggs at breakfast to bread and ibuprofen before bed. And, she handles herself perfectly regardless of the amount of alcohol she has consumed. After drinking enough whiskey to down a herd of elephants, this woman can cartwheel in a straight line while singing the alphabet backwards and flirting with the cop who pulled her over.

“The Mother”

Well, someone has to be responsible while everyone else is drinking. The mother never drinks enough to fully enjoy the night. She has to keep relatively sober in order to boss around her friends while they actually have fun drinking the night away. She fights off drunk guys who are trying to score a one night stand with her hot friends. She mediates fights between the girls. She coordinates all the routes home for her group of friends to make sure that no one who is behind the wheel is too drunk to get home safely. And, most of the time, she is the designated driver if the group only took one car. And, she holds the hair of the drunk friend who throws up every time she drinks.

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“The One Who Can Not Hold Their Liquor”

Every group of friends has at least one person in the group who can not hold their liquor. She is the reason that the “mother” drunk girl is necessary. Someone has to hold her hair while she throws up. All she has to do is smell liquor and she starts stumbling and talking louder. This woman will leave the club with her knees scratched up from her many trips to the floor, her clothes covered in dirt and vomit (both her own and a stranger who threw up too), and her breath smelling terrible from emptying the contents of her stomach onto the floor.