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Best Pictures on the Web June 2013

18 Jun

funny - sign03

June 18, 2013


Early Surprises of the 2013 MLB Season

11 Jun

baseball - chris davis

June 11, 2013

Every new season in Major League Baseball has its hills and valleys, and 2013 is no different. However, the first two months of baseball has brought a lot more strange and unexpected surprises than any other season in recent history.

Yasiel Puig

Yasiel Puig is the most exciting baseball prospect since Bo Jackson. His physical gifts are both apparent at first look and astounding. In his Major League debut, Puig batted 2 for 4 and threw out a runner at first base from the warning track for a game ending double play. In his home opener, he smashed two home runs in his next game. He pulled the first to left field and smacked the next one into right. Yasiel Puig has already hit his first grand slam in a handful of games and he is producing these numbers from the lead off position. So far, Puig bats .438 with a slugging percentage of 1.063 ad he is showing no signs of slowing. Yasiel Puig has shown all the signs of being the next great Dodger.

 

Colorado Rockies Bats

Granted, the Colorado Rockies reside in Coors Field which is one of the parks that are most conducive to extra base hits. However, 9 of the their first 14 games have been on the road and the Rockies are still first in on base percentage and slugging percentage, and second place in runs scored. Maybe the bats are the reason that the Colorado Rockies are so good on offense and not the park.

 

Mike Carp

An ejection in a game where your team is losing by 12 runs is difficult to achieve, but Mike Carp has what it takes. After he was called out on a questionable breaking ball on a 1-2 pitch in the bottom of the eighth inning, Carp turned said something to the umpire, and walked to the dugout. The ump rang him up. No one knows what he said to the umpire, but it was enough to warrant being ejected from a meaningless game at its end. The Boston Red Sox went down 1-2-3 in the ninth inning so Carp’s ejection was truly for naught.

 

Chris Davis

Though he had a good year last, Chris Davis is batting towards a Triple Crown and possibly a MVP award with the Baltimore Orioles this year. He is batting .348 with 9 home runs so far, and he hasĀ  28 RBI’s too.

 

4 Strikeouts in 1 Inning

Alex Cobb a right-handed pitcher for the Tampa Bay Devil Rays finished one of the rare feats in baseball in the third inning of his game against the San Diego Padres. He actually struck out 4 batters in one inning while giving up a run. He faced Will Venable, Chase Headley, Carlos Quentin and Yonder Alonso and struck them out in succession. Venable struck out, but was able to reach base because the Rays catcher dropped the pitch and could not throw him out. He stole second and third base over the next two hitters, and then Cobb balked him home. You can’t make this stuff up.

 

The Oakland A’s

Barry Zito and Bartolo Colon have been pitching the baseball like they did a decade ago. Both pitchers have ERA’s that are in the 3.30-3.50 range, both are a perfect 3-0 against the teams that they have faced, and both have found the type of control that made them formidable if not dominant ten years ago. Plus, the Oakland A’s lead all of Major League Baseball with 158 runs scored which is amazing because anyone would be hard pressed to name their best hitter.


Somethings Were Better Back Then

7 Jun


Contrary to what our parents tell us, very few things really were better in the old days. The transportation is better, the media is better, and so is the food. Today, people know more about the world around them, their effect on it, and therefore the effect the world has on them. But, there are a few things that were better back in the old days.

  1. Houses – You have probably heard that they “Don’t make ‘em like they used to,” before. Well, it is true. Though we have access to materials and knowledge that has accrued from the beginnings of civilization on what to build with and how to build houses, builders and architects regularly make poor decisions in their trade. They utilize only the cheapest materials that can legally be placed in a house. They disregard things like the natural shift of foundation over time, what materials best fits the house in regards to the area of the country it is built, and even the placement of the house locally. Houses that were built 50-70 years ago, outlast houses built in the last twenty years because people cared about their trade and consumers shopped more meticulously.
  2. Music – Just 30 years ago, when someone was called a musician, certain things were expected of them. They were expected to be classically trained in an instrument, vocally trained classically or to have a lifetime of singing lead in a choir, capable of writing their own music even if they regularly sang music written by someone else, and be a great live performer. Now, the few people that excel onstage are thought to be great entertainers, and if someone actually plays an instrument, the join the upper echelon of singers.
  3. Boobs – The development of cosmetic plastic surgery has had mixed success. On one hand, people that survived breast cancer or some other damaging physical injury have an option to help them avoid scrutiny from the outside world. However, the majority of plastic surgery consists of face lifts, tummy tucks, and breast enhancements. Breasts were better before doctors started touching them. Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, and Pam Grier run circles around today’s standards of beauty like Pam Anderson, Katie Price, and Carmen Electra.
  4. Romantic relationships – People worked through their problems in the old days. They stuck it out when things got tough and made a conscious decision to love their partners through problems. More marriages lasted a lifetime, partially because people refused to quit. Before, the only reason that couples split was infidelity. Anything error or disagreement was talked through. Today, people are more likely to leave their partner at the first sign of turmoil. People regularly break up solely because of irreconcilable differences which translates into ‘We are not willing to work out our problems together.’
  5. Friends – There was a time when you could take a person at their word. If someone said that they were your friend, then they always had your best interest at heart. People of this era do not value friendship. Cases of best friends sleeping with their friends’ wives happen commonly. The general public are more likely to keep a person around them that says what they want to hear rather than the truth about difficult situations. Case in point, why has no one told Charlie Sheen to stop talking about drugs, alcohol, and porn stars in public.
  6. Values – There is little place in this world for pure, chaste moralists, but the world should not be completely void of basic values either. Everyone suddenly only values themselves. People no longer look beyond their situation to help others or simply empathize.
  7. Sexual orientation – Who you liked sexually was a lot easier to define even in the sexual revolution of the 60′s. Either you liked men women or both. People did not worry about defining themselves sexually. Now there’s transsexual, transgendered, bi-sexual, heterosexual, homosexual, and a whole lot of other obscure sexuals.

Anecdotal Wisdom for Men

5 Jun

smug guy

chalking hands

A man tells his wife that he’s going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it’s closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he’s in this girl’s apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

“Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!” he exclaimed. “Quick give me some talcum powder!”

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she’s furious. “Where the hell have you been!”

He says, “Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her.” “Let me see your hands!” she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

“Damn liar, you were out bowling again!”

Moral to the story: If you want to stay married learn how to lie…well.

 

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund’s chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he’s finally had enough. “I’m headin’ back home!” he calmly tells the Afghan. “We’ll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush’s chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan’s retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. “Forget this,” says Akhund. “I’m going back to Afghanistan!”

George W. says, through tears of laughter, “What Afghanistan?”

Moral to the story: Do not piss off someone who is bigger than you because you might catch an ass whuppin’.

 

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

“What is your name?” he asked.

“John,” the guy answered.

“And why were you arrested?” the judge asked.

“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.

The judge didn’t see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“John,” the guy answered.

“Why were you arrested?” the Judge asked.

“I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke.” he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, ‘This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!’ he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

“What’s your name?? No wait, let me guess; John.” he said.

“No,” said the guy, “My name is Smoke.”

Moral to the story: It is not how you start a story. It is who finishes it.

 

 

In a recent survey requested by President Obama, African Americans have
proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.In the survey, carried out for him, by a leading toiletries firm, a huge
majority, 86% of African Americans, said that they have enjoyed sex in the
shower.The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.
Moral to the story: Republicans are racists.


A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office. She said, “Good man,” the fairy said, “I’ve been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.”
The man told the fairy, “Well, where I come from we don’t have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.” The fairy looked at the man’s almost toothless grin and — PING !– he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
“What else?” asked the fairy, “Two more to go.” The refugee claimant now got bolder. “I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here,” and — PING ! — in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.
“One more wish,” said the fairy, waving her wand. “Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.. And I want to have white skin like Americans”. And, — PING ! — the man was transformed wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
“What happened to my new teeth?” he wailed. “Where is my new house?”
The fairy said: “Tough shit, Amigo, now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.”
Moral to the story: No seriously, Republicans are racists.


The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied “from the tip of my penis to my testicles.” It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received but the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him provided the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to “drop ‘em,” which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sergeants penis and began to work back. “My God!” he suddenly exclaimed, “Where are your testicles?” The old Sergeant smugly replied… “Vietnam.”

Moral to the story: Sacrifice brings wisdom.