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Are You His Sidepiece?

16 Jan

side chick03

When Valentine’s Day approaches, some men are scurrying to buy flowers online for their partners while others are headed to the nearest jewelry store in search of a quick gift. Most men are planning and making reservations at expensive restaurants to quantify their love to the women in their lives. However, a few men are scheduling time for another reason. These men are fighting to keep their secret undercover. And ladies, you might very well be that secret. Relationships are difficult to maintain, and your fidelity does not insure the fealty of your partner. Monogamy is elusive in 2015. Here are a few hints that will let you know if you are his side chick.

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#1. You Never Celebrate Holidays on the Holiday

February 15th has slowly, but steadily become an unofficial day of appreciation for all the mistresses and “other women” in America. Its official title is National Sidepiece Day. The guys who take their girlfriend out on the 14th of February, make time for their mistress on the 13th or the 15th. And this rule does not apply solely to Valentine’s Day. Think about how often your man actually spends holidays with you. If you have missed four of the last five holidays with your man due to him working, him going out of town, him being worn out from his work week, or some other reason, then you are probably the other woman. Men make time for the woman that they love on special days. And remember ladies, President’s Day and Labor Day do not count towards this assessment. When was the last time that you spent quality minutes with your man on a core holiday? Thanksgiving, Christmas, July the 4th, etc. are your barometers. If your guy is always missing on those days, then he might be someone else’s guy too.

#2. He Will Not Take Pictures with You

Some men genuinely do not like taking pictures of themselves. There is nothing wrong with a man who can actually pass by a mirror without staring at his reflection. However, if your guy absolutely refuses to take pictures with you, is constantly hiding his face when you take pictures, and starts yelling for you to erase that selfie that you took with him in the background, then he might be covering up his relationship with you. If he does not want anyone to know that the two of you are together, then it could be because you are his little secret. A guy who cares will take a picture with you even if it makes him uncomfortable. A guy with a side chick avoids evidence of his cheating like the plague.

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#3. He Will Not Let You Post Pictures of Him

Once again, there is nothing wrong with a guy having a little reticence about having his picture posted on the internet. Those photos last forever. However, when a man demands that you erase any picture of him from your Facebook, Instagram, or any other social media that you have, then he may be hiding something. Whether we like it or not, social media is here to stay. And, it serves as the new medium for public displays of affection (PDA). The average guy does not want the entire world to know his every move through a video diary taken by you, however the occasional post about a good date should not be shot down. A man that shuts down any PDA through social media is either a social pariah, a FBI agent, or another woman’s husband.

#4. You Never Go Out

Unless you are living like America’s family, the Kennedy’s or the Kardashian’s (whichever you prefer), you are probably not going to eat out at a restaurant for every meal as an adult. The ability to cook a good, home-cooked meal is reason enough for a man to stay with a woman in 2015 since a lot of women can not cook. But, any decent boyfriend takes his girl out for a night of fine dining on the town sooner or later. And, if you do not go out for dinner, you should be going out for a night of dancing or drinking or something. A couple in love spends some time together in the view of other adults. The guy who avoids a night on the town with you is avoiding being seen with you. You are either too fat, ugly, or whorish to be seen in public with your guy, or he has a wife that he is hiding from you. Be careful if you only visit cozy, dimly lit places on the outskirts of town too. He may be taking you out solely to appease you.

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This is how he sees you if all the calls are after dark.

#5. He Never Calls Before 11 p.m.

If a guy only calls you between the hours of 10 p.m. and 2 a.m., then unfortunately, you have been cast into the men’s version of the friend zone. And, just like all your friend-zoned male buddies, there is nothing that you can do to escape your fate. You are a booty call. It does not matter how pretty you are, what a great personality you have, or how interesting of a life that you live. You are essentially a nice pair of boobs, a butt, and three serviceable holes to him. The only reason that this guy calls you is to get between your legs or to get your face between his legs. Accept it and move on.

Making Men’s Lives Better: Random Wisdom from a Smart Guy

15 Jan

feels good

Every now and then, guys need a little helpful advice to guide them through the daily struggles of just being a man. Men come under constant scrutiny from a litany of aggressors that address a multitude of problems that past generations have not faced. In layman’s terms, it is hard out there for a man. If you are White, you have to deal with the other ethnicities, sexes, genders, and minorities beginning to find some semblance of equality after 400 years of unencumbered oppressiveness. If you are over the age of 14, then you have to navigate the #MeToo movement while suppressing your desire to pee on women in a non-aggressive way. If you are over the age of 45, then you have to worry about erectile dysfunction. Or maybe, don’t worry about it because that exacerbates the problem. The point is that being a man is more difficult now than it has ever been. Here is a little unwarranted advice on how to get through the world of today while being the modern man.

professional baby mother

Brynn Cameron will never have to work again. She is a professional baby momma with children from NBA superstar Blake Griffin and Matt Leinart of the NFL.

Don’t Date “Public Figures”

Social media represents a field of potential landmines for men. One wrong statement about a hot button topic in the virtual world, and you can be ostracized in the real world. People are losing their jobs over ignorant comments that they made online because the internet has made the world much smaller and more accessible than it has ever been. And, social media has changed the game for women. Beautiful women have become public figures on Instagram or Snapchat, and can make a decent living by just being pretty. When you add that newly found power shift to the scientific fact that every woman under the age of 35 thinks that they deserve to be with a man who is rich and/or famous, then you have a legitimate recipe for disaster for men. We may have always been in over our heads with women, but with social media men are officially outmatched. Average guys have no shot at Instagram hotties because celebrities often fawn over them just long enough to sleep with them (raising their imagined status). Joe Citizen cannot keep a hot chick who has over 10,000 followers because he has to fight off Drake, all the other rappers, and all the professional athletes in the world for their attention. Rappers and pros are willing to spend thousands of dollars in a night flying women to expensive locations in order to bed the exotic “model” with a crazy figure i.e. India Westbrooks or Hannah Stocking. Joe Citizen barely makes thousands of dollars in a month. When the most popular millionaires in the world are after your girlfriend, especially when said millionaires are also better looking than you and in perfect shape, you are going to lose your girlfriend. But, celebrities should not waste their time with social media divas either. Those athletes and entertainers are in a unique position where they have nothing to gain from engaging with a social media “public figure” other than sex. If the “model” sleeps with a celebrity and posts pictures or videos of the encounter on social media, then that celebrity faces public embarrassment and stands to lose endorsements (especially if he is married or in a relationship), which ultimately means he loses money. In the same scenario, the “model” gains popularity from the scandal, and gets more followers which equals more money for her. And, if the Instagram model gets pregnant, then she really gets paid. She can officially retire from any hard work because she has essentially “earned” a monthly paycheck worth 25% of that celebrity’s financial value for the next 18 years. Child support is the end goal for a lot of women on social media.

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Guys please listen. If you are not saying something in support of women or imparting your own personal story into the #MeToo conversation as a man, then quietly disembark from all talk about the subject. You cannot win an argument concerning sexual misconduct, sexual harassment, or sexual assault because any disagreement on the subject of abuse comes across as misogynistic and oppressive. Men have it pretty good. Besides being physically bigger and stronger than women, men are also placed in higher positions of power than women. They abuse this power.  A “Me Too” conversation is not the time for you talk about how the movement unfairly victimizes men. This is not the time for you to talk about how women are using the movement to progress their careers instead of moving towards healing. This is not the time to differentiate between a bad sexual encounter and sexual assault or rape. This is also not the time to take up for celebrities like Aziz Ansari or Casey Affleck, or talk about the statute of limitations on accusations of sexual misconduct. Anything that you say other than giving a clear affirmation that sexual harassment, misconduct, and assault is wrong sounds like a clear message that you either hate or do not respect women. Take this message from a woman that you love, your mother. If you do not have something nice to say, then say nothing at all. So, shut up with all your off-base comments on #MeToo. And, on a related note….

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Black Lives Matter

Matters of race are just as controversial and dangerous as sex topics for guys. There is no way to avoid sounding like an idiot or a flaming bigot when you denigrate any movement that is fighting for equality. Causes like Black Lives Matter do not promote Black and Brown lives being more important than other lives. They are pointing out the lack of importance that Black lives seem to have to the majority. People of color are not stealing jobs from more valuable candidates because of the creation and proliferation of affirmative action. Affirmative action was put in place to balance a system that under-educates, abuses, and ignores minorities. When you hear about a case of police brutality, do not ask if the victim had a criminal record or ask what the victim did to exacerbate the violence in the encounter. If your nephew was beaten by a group of police officers or shot and killed without a weapon being found on his person, would his criminal history matter to you? No. Do not start a conversation about how National Football League players who kneel during the national anthem to protest the aforementioned police brutality are unpatriotic and uncivil. The protest is not an affront on the national flag. It is a fight against inequality, and it is non-violent. Even if you disagree with the method that is being used, that does not dismiss the premise. You sound like an over-opinionated, under-informed segregationist zealot. A criminal record should not be a death sentence for minorities, and NFL players are protesting the flag because in their opinion, the flag represents an ideal of the equality that is not afforded a large number of people of color. Unarmed Black men are regularly relegated to more violence at the hands of police than armed, violent White men. And, this is not your opportunity to express how Black on Black crime is high, but the media ignores it. Black on Black crime is a separate issue to be addressed at a separate time because crime is a function of proximity. White on White crime is high. Brown on Brown crime is too. People commit crimes against the people who live near them and most people live in neighborhoods that consist of people with shared ethnicities. Look at government statistics before you make ignorant comments, and if you are considering making comments that antagonize an entire race of people, then just be quiet.

friend zone - getting out

Hot Women with No Dates

When a man says that he is not seeing anyone, his phone is as dry as the Sahara. There are no women in his life because women do not like him. He may be unattractive physically, he may be broke, or he may be an asshole, but this guy could not coax female kittens near him with cold cuts in his hands. But, that is not at all true for women. When a woman says that she is not dating anyone, especially a hot woman, that means that she does not like her options, not that there are no options. What does that mean to you? It means that until you impress her, she has at least eight guys who are vying for her time and affection. And, if you mess up, then she will ignore you like she has already ignored guys 9 and 10. Beautiful women always have choices, and if you are not her choice then you will be pushed aside completely, or worse, put into the friend zone purgatory. So, do yourself a favor and stop talking to her if she is not interested in you. You cannot change a woman’s mind once she has made a decision about you, and all the work that you put in trying to convince her of your worth will be be in vain. You will take her on shopping dates and hear about all the men that mistreat her. Depending on how comfortable she is with you, you may have to hear exactly all the sexual debauchery that happens in her life while she tells you what a great catch you will be for someone else. No man should endure this pain. When a lady tells you that she does not like you, believe her.

Defense Does Not Win Championships

14 Jan

basketball - offense wins championships

This article was originally posted on April 12, 2011. Due to our great reader feedback at, we decided to run it again. Enjoy.

Legendary coach Paul “Bear” Bryant Jr. famously told his football team, the Alabama Crimson Tide that, “Offense sells tickets, but defense wins championships.” Bear Bryant was right about that. In football, a dominant defense can carry a paltry, underachieving offense to the pinnacle of the sport, and great offenses often lose to teams less-talented teams that hit hard on defense. The feared Tampa Two of the 2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the 2000 Baltimore Ravens proved this assertion. The Tampa Two defense, perfected by Tony Dungy, revolutionized the defensive side of the football. In 2000, the Baltimore Ravens produced the stingiest defense in NFL history and won a championship despite having mediocre quarterback play at best. This was possible because, in football, the defense can score too, and when a NFL team has Hall of Fame athletes like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed on the defensive side of the football, that side of the football team scores often. However, basketball coaches are adapting this old adage too, and it has resulted in structurally flawed teams like the 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers or the 2002 Philadelphia 76′ers. Those NBA teams had one part of the equation to win a National Basketball Association championship, but their team concept and extraneous personnel was poorly assembled. LeBron James and Allen Iverson, respectively, were the best players in the league in 2007 and 2002. They could score when necessary, but their teammates were accumulated to bolster the team concept of defense. The players that surrounded the league MVP in those two years were put there to stop other players from scoring, instead of scoring themselves. In football, the defense can score points to supplement a suspect offense, but in basketball, the team with the highest skilled, most talented players, almost always win. Both the Cavaliers and the 76′ers lost the Finals series and never returned. Winning in basketball is about having a unstoppable go-to player, having a second and third scoring option on offense, and having respectable rebounding and defense.

The biggest key to winning in the National Basketball Association is obtaining the franchise player with an established go-to move. The best defensive player in the league can not even slow a franchise player without help from other teammates. Did Micheal Cooper ever hold Larry Bird to under 15 points in a game? No, Bird was one of the most polished basketball players that ever reached the NBA and could score on anyone. Did any one player ever stop Michael Jordan from averaging 30 points per game? No, Michael Jordan was better than everyone athletically and skill-wise. The best players in the league put the basketball in the rim, regardless of who is in front of them. Basketball is an offensive sport. If a guy gets hot, it does not matter what junk defense you throw at him, he is going to score. LeBron James scored 22 straight points against the Boston Celtics in a playoff game. They boasted the best defense in the league that year and focused all their defensive acumen on stopping him. It did not matter because a great offensive player always beats a great defense in basketball.

Eventually, a smart coach will double-team the best player if he begins to dominate the game, however this defensive strategy only works if the opposing team is flawed structurally. Good offense still dictates the outcome of any given game. This is where the Cavaliers and 76′ers fell short. Their second and third options were not adept at scoring the basketball and their offenses stalled. James and Iverson penetrated and made easy shots for their teammates, however those teammates specialized in team and individual defense and therefore could not score the basketball. The teams that they faced, the San Antonio Spurs and the Los Angeles Lakers had superior offensive firepower and won the series 4-0 and 4-1, respectively. Teams that hope to win it all have at least three stars. Every former National basketball Association champion has had at least three scorers.

Below is a list of NBA champions over the last thirty years and their offensive stars.

Los Angeles Lakers – 2009-10 Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, Andrew Bynum
Boston Celtics – 2008 Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Ray Allen
San Antonio Spurs – 2007,05,03 Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobli, Tony Parker
Miami Heat – 2006 Dwayne Wade, Shaquille O’Neal, Alonzo Mourning
Detroit Pistons – 2004 Rasheed Wallace, Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton
Los Angeles Lakers – 2000-02 Shaquille O’Neal, Kobe Bryant, Rick Fox or Robert Horry
San Antonio Spurs – 1999 David Robinson, Tim Duncan, and Sean Elliot
Chicago Bulls – 1996-98, 1991-93 Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Horace Grant, then Dennis Rodman and Toni Kukoc
Houston Rockets – 1994-95 Hakeem Olajuwon, Otis Thorpe, Vernon Maxwell, then Clyde Drexler
Detroit Pistons – 1989-90 Isaiah Thomas, Joe Dumars, Vinnie Johnson
Los Angeles Lakers – 1987-88, 85, 82,80 Magic Johnson, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, James Worthy
Boston Celtics – 1986, 84, 81 Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish
Philadelphia 76’ers – 1982 Julius Erving, Moses Malone, Bobby Jones

Every team shown in the graph above has at least one Hall of Fame candidate, with the exception of the 2004 Detroit Pistons. But, the Pistons had the best defense in basketball history at the time, only allowing opponents to score 89 points or less against them, and they put 4 great offensive players on the court nightly. Rasheed Wallace was one of the most talented and versatile scorers in the league at 6’11″. He had great footwork in the post, a soft touch on every shot, and range out to the 3 pt. line. Chauncey Billups became one of the most revered leaders and clutch shooters in the NBA in that season. Tayshaun Prince, their best individual defender was a star offensive player in college, and his scoring prowess resurfaced in those NBA Finals. And, Rip Hamilton was a tireless worker on offense, running defenders off a myriad of screens while putting up 20-30 points in any game. Winning in basketball is more contingent on having multiple offensive weapons than having defensive stalwarts, though defense is important too.

There have been many great NBA defenses that have been crowned champions at the end of the season, but they also had viable scoring options. Literally, every team that has won a NBA championship has played strong defense, but has had some of the best scorers in the league. Defense is important, but it does not win championships. To win in basketball, you have to put the ball in the hole.

Women Have It Better

13 Jan

women are better

This article was originally posted on July 3rd, 2011. It chronicles the ease with which women can live if they so choose. Women really do have it better than men.

1. No woman has to work – There is a man out there for every woman on this Earth and he will spend money just to be with her. Pretty women do not need a vocation that lends itself to an occupation, because women do not have to work. Ladies do not need to work because men are stupid enough to pay for their every whim when they get around beautiful women. They try to show their affection to women by buying extravagant gifts and showering and pampering them constantly financially. Men have no clue that emotional intimacy is much more important when trying to attract ladies than spending money on them, so they us their money to buy love and sex. Women can exploit this weakness. They do not need to strip to earn money if they are attractive. Men will happily support them without physical intimacy. Men are stupid. Women work because they want to work, not because they have to work. And, men are destined to spend a lifetime working to satisfy women.

2.Women get fake holidays - Women have at least four days in every year that they can expect gifts to be showered on them and for everyone to make a big fuss over them. They have their birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and Mother’s Day. Okay, granted, men get their birthdays and Christmas too. But, no one makes a fuss over a guy on these days, and Father’s Day is a joke. If a woman does not get a gift on any of these days, there will be hell to pay for her guy. Mother’s Day is understandable because women nurture the babies and kiss skinned knees, but Valentine’s Day is not real holiday. If you have to work on the day, then it does not exist. Women get to play dress up for a day. Get flowers, candy, a good meal, and if they have the right guy, good sex too. Men get to buy the flowers, candy, and the good meal.

3. Women get to give birth - Yes, child birth is physically the most painful thing that any person could do. It is like trying to push a small orange through a water hose, scary yet magical. However, it is also one of the most rewarding events in any person’s life. How special is it to grow a living person inside of your body? It is one of life’s two real miracles…the other is the fact that a baby pushes its way through a vagina to be born. Also women are closer with their children than men. Mothers kiss the skinned knees and sing lullabies. Dads just pay the bills and tell stories about the good old days.

4. Women are smarter - To be succinct, intellectually, women are no smarter than men. Intelligence varies with no real significant deviation towards any specific gender or race in early years. The changes in “intelligence” come after different social factors are introduced to children. Therefore, smart people come in many different packages regardless of sex. However, women have the ability to manipulate men easily which makes them a little bit smarter. A pretty woman could walk through life without paying for a single thing to support herself. Look at Anna Nicole Smith and J. Howard Marshall II or Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. They just married rich. One waited for the old bastard to die, the other convinced her guy not to sign a pre-nuptial agreement and sued him for half of his worth. Men regularly let boobs and a pretty smile cloud their better judgment. Robin Williams said it best, “God gave men two heads, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.”

5. Women have better orgasms - Men really got screwed on this one. Any guy could deal with getting the short end of the stick on the rest of these if he at least had something that was at least comparable to a woman’s orgasm. When nearing climax during intercourse, a man’s sex organs are extremely sensitive for 2-5 minutes and his orgasm lasts about 5-10 seconds at best. Initially, being a guy may seem favorable, because every time a man has sex, he is going to climax. If he convince anyone to sleep with him, then he will probably have at least a mildly entertaining evening. The sensation of that orgasm is about the same every time he has it and there are only subtle differences between anyone of a man’s orgasms. You know what you are going to get and you will get the same thing every time. Consistency can be good. Most women, unfortunately, do not orgasm every time that have sex. But, women experience orgasms on a completely different level than men. In fact, they have at least three different levels of orgasms. There is the “I really needed that,” orgasm, which is like having someone scratch a spot that you could not reach. It is not mind blowing, but it is good for a quick tryst. There is the actual, mind-blowing orgasm that women can feel in their finger tips and toes. That is the orgasm where the woman has to take a minute to collect herself after it happens. She may stretch languidly across the bed/couch/table/or whatever thing that you just polished with your butts while her eyes are closed and she catches her breath. And then there is the “Oh my God, I do not know what you just did to me, but if you touch my elbow right now, I might finish again!” This orgasm makes the most beautiful women in the world contort their faces until they are almost unrecognizable. It is like a full body seizure, but somehow pleasurable. The woman’s body twitches rhythmically. She can not talk and her entire body is sensitive to touch. Her toes curl and her eyes roll back into her head. The whole experience looks borderline spiritual. That orgasm is a gift. And no man has ever felt anything close to that.