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Funniest Movies Ever!

7 Aug

40 year old virgin

Harlem Nights – Comedy gods combined to make this movie. Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor star together in a story about a gangster and his son trying to make a few dollars with corrupt policemen, politicians, and other gangsters attempting to put them out of business. Other noted comedians are comedy legends Redd Foxxx and Robin Harris with appearances by Arsenio Hall and Charlie Murphy. Harlem Nights keeps the punch-lines coming while the gangsters navigate the different problems that arise when the people in power decide that they want a piece of their business.

Random Quote: You’re gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don’t stop fucking with me. Now put the razor away.

 

Coming to America – Prince Hakeem is being forced to marry the woman that his parents picked for him, but he is unsatisfied with his fate. So, he travels to America under the pretense of sowing his oats to find the wife that he wants to marry. Hakeem and his servant (Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall) travel under the pretense of being poor immigrants, get regular jobs, and test the American dating pool with mixed results until Hakeem finds his true love.

Random Quote: He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho, he helped Daniel get out the lion’s den, he helped Gilligan get off the island.

 

Anchorman – Ron Burgandy is the class of San Diego. He is lead anchor of the number one news team in the city. Then, Veronica Corningstone walks into his life and attempts to usurp his title. Judd Apatow directs the best cast of contemporary funny guys in America with Will Ferrell, Steve Carril, and Paul Rudd. There are appearances by Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Luke Owen along the way with random jokes, clever humor, and a little slapstick for every type of comedy fan.

Random Quote: No, she gets a special cologne… It’s called Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s illegal in nine countries… Yep, it’s made with bits of real panther, so you know it’s good.

The 40 Year Old Virgin - Judd Apatow is a comedic genius. Instead of attempting to write great jokes for an entire movie, Apatow hires great comedians and let’s them improvise onscreen. 40 Yr. Old Virgin is the story of a (wait for it…..) 40 year old virgin who is trying to sort out a non-existent love life and idling career. Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, and Romany Malco befriend and harass Steve Carril as they attempt to get him laid.

Random Quote: I think… I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there’s this and then in a year it’s like, “Oh, you know, I’m kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys,” and then there’s the big, “Oh, I’m… I’m… I’m a gay guy now.”

 

Borat – Sasha Baron Cohen is a comedic genius and Borat is him at his best. He plays an immigrant to United States in a new country, a fish out of water. And, he learns about America through asking the average American about their lives. The catch is that the people are not actors. He goads them into talking about their own prejudices, insecurities, and beliefs on camera. It is hilarious, telling, and poignant at the same time.

Random Quote: This C.J. was like no Kazakh woman I have ever seen. She had golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls, and the asshole of a seven-year-old. For the first time in my lifes, I was in love.

 

FridayFriday tells the story of two best friends from the hood who are managing the first Friday after one of them lost their job on their day off. They smoke a local drug dealer’s weed and find themselves in jeopardy of losing their lives. Just a regular day in the hood.

Random Quote: Smokey, you know I ain’t the smartest man in the world, but, from back here it look like you’re takin’ a shit.

CaddyshackCaddyshack is a story about golfing and gophers. But, it is still quoted on golf courses and in boardrooms across the planet today. It starred three comedy legends, Bill Murray, Chevy Chase, and Rodney Dangerfield, and it funny on all comedic levels, wit, satire, and slapstick.

Random Quote: You’re a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

 

Stripes – Bill Murray leads this All-Star cast of comedy veterans in a comedy about military cadet training. He joins Harold Raimis and Judge Reinhold for a story of hi-jinx in an urban warfare training compound.

Random Quote: Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I’m gonna go out on a limb here. I’m gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn’t always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe… Sergeant Hulka.

 

Dodgeball – Patches O’Hullihan pulls together a group of lovable underachievers to defeat the team at Global Gym. And, the fate of the gym depends solely on winning the dodgeball tournament. Expect a lot of shots to the face and the crotch.

Random Quote: Get off of me, don’t you touch me! It is over between us, Kate. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood – nobody!

 

Old School – This is Nerds on steroids. But, instead of a group of losers from the local college starting their own fraternity, in Old School, middle-aged losers start a fraternity and initiate the nearby misfits.

Random Quote: True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend…

 

 

 


Women That Men Hate, But Would Still Sleep With in 2016

6 Aug

crazy women

Hillary Clinton

This is Hillary’s second time on this type of list, but she deserves it. She made a real run at the presidency in 2016, and lost because the American people could not trust her. In fact, she was so untrustworthy that many Americans were willing to let a sociopathic, narcissistic billionaire businessman run the country. However, Hilary Clinton is still a state senator, a former First Lady, and possibly the most powerful woman in the world. Why should she not have her own scandalous public affair?

 

Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey is certifiably crazy. She allegedly threw a laptop at her ex-fiancée or out of a window when he played a Beyoncé song in front of her, she was hospitalized for “exhaustion” back in 2001, and she is even rumored to have left the inauguration of President Obama after she found out that she was not seated at the President’s table. Many performers have a list of amenities that they need to perform, but Mariah’s list is extensive. For public appearances Mariah Carey requires a pink carpet in her rom, 100 white doves to be released upon her arrival, a Rolls Royce for transportation to and from her venue, a pink podium, butterfly-shaped confetti, white roses, fresh juices and gourmet food, tea service for 8 brewed with fresh Polish spring water, 80 security guards, accommodations for an entourage of 15, and 20 white kittens. What sane person asks for 20 white kittens at every venue that they perform? She is not just admittedly, but boastfully a diva. And, a man would have to be insane to date her seriously. But, she is pretty, her body is voluptuous, she is worth $520M, and who wouldn’t want to hear her hit that high G7 note in the bedroom?

 

Any Kardashian

The entire Kardashian clan makes this list again. From the mother to the youngest daughter, the Kardashians are nutty. And unbelievably, the youngest of the clan seem to be the most normal of the group. The mom prostituted herself with three different famous men to insure her and her children’s futures, and then she convinced her hottest daughter to make money prostituting herself in a sex tape. All of her daughters make money showing their bodies and partying. The Kardashians have no discernible talent besides their incredible looks, and most of their appearances have come from makeup and a plastic surgeon’s knife. Fortunately for them, looks are enough for most men.

 nicki minaj03

Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj’s entire body is plastic, her before and after pictures look like a reverse meth progression sequence from a basic cable makeover show, and she stole her entire act from Lil’ Kim who is appropriately completely made of plastic too. At least Kim has street cred, though. She did a bid without snitching on her crew. What has Nicki Minaj done besides twerking? Nothing. Her butt is the stuff of legends though. And, a big butt and a pretty smile wins every time whether that butt is fake or not.

 

Amy Schumer

Women love her, particularly the feminists. But, men hate her. She is an overly-opinionated comedienne with an enormous forum that she exploits for money, fame, and recognition. Her mouth is always open, yammering about something that is both annoying and inconsequential. Nothing is taboo for Amy Schumer whether the topic of choice is politics, drugs, or sex. In fact, she often jokes about being considered a “sex” comedienne. And, even though sex is a topic that is trite and overly-discussed, it is her saving grace. Any woman that delivers a punchline about blowjobs probably knows her way around a trouser snake, and men would sleep with Amy Schumer just to test her skills….or to get her to shut up.

 

Jennifer Lawrence

Okay Jennifer, we get it. You want to portray yourself as a normal woman prone to all the awkwardness and regular shenanigans that common people face on a regular basis. You fall onstage and make weird faces. You are the anti-actress, unafraid to seem human. However, you are not a normal person, and the clumsy shtick is getting old fast. Men and women are growing tired of you pretending that you are not a movie star. You do not work the same hours that the average person works and you are paid extravagantly to do your job. No normal person gets treated the way that you do, so stop the act. The only reason that people put up with your nonsense is because, at the end of the day, you are still a cute, big-boobed blonde who titillates men.

 

Demi Lovato

Demi Lovato represents the crazy girl in the technical sense of the word. She had some partying issues when she was younger, and talked candidly about cutting herself. Punching a backup dancer was the moment that she realized that she had let things devolve too much. Lovato had some real emotional issues that she has since worked through, and every loves a story about redemption. However, even though people love these narratives, no one truly believes in redemption. People believe that Demi Lovato is the same crazy girl that she always was. And, that is okay because she is hot. Demi Lovato is a short, curvy brown-skinned woman with an edge and no real reservations about showing a little skin. Guys may be scared of her, but they would sleep with her.

cara delevingne - crazy

Cara Delevingne

In general, you should never challenge another person’s sexuality. But, Cara Delevigne openly makes questionable remarks about her own sexuality that raises brows. She said that women are crazy, and they can accept how crazy she is. Men are too rational and level-headed to love her insanity. And, when a person tells you that they are crazy, you should believe them. But, she is also a supermodel with long legs and a great shape. And, though she identifies as lesbian she is not completely resistant to male attention. She dreams about hot trysts with guys, and says that if the right man came along that she would run off and have babies with him.


Man Rules: Part III

3 Aug

man rules - chapstick03

There are simple, unspoken rules that govern all male behavior and relationships, and they should be adhered to at all times. These rules are passed from father to son, from brother to brother, and between friends, and they should be strictly and blindly obeyed because they preserve the basic spirit of manhood and ease. Man rules should always be followed.

 

Man Rule #83 - Never Make Eye Contact While Putting on Chapstick

There are only a select few actions that will effectively effeminize any man regardless of testosterone level, penis size, or fat/muscle ratio, and putting on chapstick is number one on that list. No masculine way to soothe chapped lips has ever been performed, and even saying “soothe chapped lips” sounds slightly homoerotic. Your options are to either lick your lips until they crack, or grab the chapstick in your fist, stare at the ground, and grease your lips while you pucker up. But, though men have to protect their lips from the elements occasionally, no man should ever make eye contact with anyone while coating them with lip balm. Staring at a woman while putting on chapstick looks harassing and kind of “rapey”. Meeting eyes with a guy while putting it on is ”inviting”. No man should ever gaze into another person’s face while applying chapstick.

phallic

Man Rule #4 - Never Eat Hotdogs in Public

Never eat anything in the shape of a phallus in public. Hot dogs, corn dogs, pickles, lollipops, popsicles, bananas, and anything else that is remotely shaped like a penis is prohibited as a food item for men in public. If you want to fellate someone or something in the privacy of your home, by all means, blow away. But, in the presence of women and children, please refrain from savagely throating your phallic food. It is never appropriate.

 

Man Rule #73 - Call for Weddings, Funerals, and Breakups

SMS messaging was introduced in December of 1992 by Neil Papworth and it changed our culture. People stopped talking, started texting, and never looked back. Texting turned into picture mail. Picture mail turned into sexting. Sexting turned into revenge porn. But, I digress. Despite all the uses for the cell phone, there are a few occasions when only a phone call will do. Real men call people to announce their marriage. They call to tell loved ones that a family member has passed. And, they call to breakup with someone if they can not do it in person. There are no exceptions to this rule. All life-altering events should be communicated verbally as a show of respect to the other person. And, as a man, respect should be given to everyone until an individual proves that they do not deserve it.

 

Man Rule #121 - Blacking Out Is For Teenagers

No grown man should be unable to remember what he did the night before, because nothing says ‘I’m an irresponsible, self-absorbed prick,” like blacking out and throwing up on an unsuspecting crowd of innocent bystanders. You should know how to hold your liquor by the time you hit 22 years of age. You will only embarrass yourself, your friends, and the people that you vomit on when you have a few too many drinks at the bar. So, find a drink that you like, figure out how many of them you can drink without making an ass of yourself, and never imbibe more than that number of drinks in public.

 

Man Rule #2296 - Know Your Limitations

There are a lot of things about your identity that you should know as a man. First, you should know that you probably are not the tallest and the most handsome man in your city. You are never going to be a professional athlete, you probably will never be wealthy, you are not a genius, and more likely than not, you will never date a supermodel. Most things that you truly desire are out of your reach because of several factors including, but not limited to your physical shortcomings (Thanks Dad), your parents damaging you emotionally (Thanks Mom), your economic background, or your inability to just get it right. You are not special. Special is for women, retards, and children. Ladies, the mentally-challenged, and kids always have someone who is willing to care for and support them when they are in dire straits. You are a man. You have only yourself. You have to assess situations, learn from them, and create effective solutions. Accept it and then focus on what you are.

man hitting woman

Man Rule #1 - Never Hit A Woman

Man Rule #1 sounds like a classic example of a double standard, because it is a classic example of a double standard. Consider it payback for being able to sleep with multiple women without any social repercussions while women are labeled whores for not marrying as a virginal bride. As a man, you have to refrain from hitting women regardless of what they do or say. They can curse out your mother, sleep with your best friend, and give you a right hook to the baby maker, but you are not allowed to hit them. Men are generally larger, we carry more muscle, and have thrown a few punches by the time we hit adulthood, so any fight against a woman is generally an unfair contest. Unless Ronda Rousey is holding one of your children at gunpoint, you should never lay hands on a woman. This double standard should continue to thrive.

 

Man Rule #216 - Never Publicly Comment on Rape or Abortion

Here’s the thing, there is nothing that you can say about rape or abortion that will make everyone in your life happy. And though it is definitely manly to take a stance on a tough subject and stick by it, it is also wise to know when you are fighting a losing battle. There is absolutely nothing that you can say about rape other than it is abhorrent, so any comment on rape is a moot point. Across the world and across different cultures rape is unacceptable. But, abortion is a hot button topic on which everyone has a strong opinion. The trick is remembering not to share that opinion. If you are decidedly anti-abortion you will also come off as anti-women. You can not practically tell a woman to grow a child inside their body for nine months without being controlling and unfeeling with women. If you are pro-choice, then come off confused.

 

Man Rule #1449 - Wait A Day to Post All Social Media

I am lucky to have grown up in a world when my innermost thoughts could not be broadcast to the world in a manner of seconds. Men today do not have that luxury. A moment of passion could lead to the loss of your job, the alienation of your peers, and complete ostracism by the rest of society. So, instead of making your opinions about controversial subjects known to world, just take an extra day to post your thoughts.

 


Man Rules: Part II

2 Aug

kick in the balls03

They are both smiling, but one of those ladies has a death grip on the other. You must neutralize her.

Man Rule #1111 - Always be ready to take one for the team – A real man is a team player, especially when it comes to women. And, every now and then someone is going to have to talk to the bitchy girl or the wildebeest so that her hot friend can be pursued. Every man has a responsibility to his fellow man to throw himself on a grenade at least once for the greater good of his crew. So, the next time that your friend is being shot down by the hottie’s friend and not her, talk to that fat, hateful girl who only exists to make sure that her hot friend dies miserably and alone. And, the next time the “nottie” is disrupting your game he may come to your rescue.

 

Man Rule #0 - Don’t Be That Guy – This is more of a list of things not to do rather than a full explanation of unacceptable behavior, because these infractions should not need a lot of explanation.

a. The guy that buys gifts for other guys on birthdays and Christmas (Men do not buy men gifts, period)

b. The guy that invites his girlfriend to guy only events (She is uncomfortable, and so are all your friends)

c. The guy that talks incessantly about his girlfriend (You love her, your friends probably do not)

d. The guy that loves PDA (Get a room)

Man Rule #13 - Never Kick a Man in the Balls – This should go without saying, but strangely, it still happens. No man should ever kick another man in the balls. Kick him in the head. Kick him in the shin. Kick him in the gut. But do not ever kick another man in his manhood. It is both cowardly and unacceptable.

 

Man Rule #297 - Never Use the Middle Urinal – This is part of the unwritten rules of being a man. Fathers used to impart this knowledge onto their sons and train them in the ways of being a man. But, since there are less fathers in the same home with their sons, this practice is being lost. When faced with three empty urinals, never use the middle one. This is one of the founding Man laws. Using the middle urinal forces another man to stand next to you while relieving himself. There are only two reasons to do this. One, you are gay and soliciting sex in a public restroom. Or two, you really like it when get a little back splash on your shoe from a stranger.

 

Man Rule #36 - Never Tell on Another Man – No man should ever tattle-tell on another man, even if he sees the man doing something wrong (this, of course, excludes breaking the law). There is a man code that needs to be adhered to. Men do not nose into other people’s business unwarranted. That means that, if Johnny is cheating on Sarah, then Dexter should not run and tell Sara that he saw Johnny with another girl one fateful Saturday afternoon at the mall. It is not Johnny’s job to inform Sarah of what he saw even if he is related to her. Men confront the wrong-doer rather than spread rumors about a meeting that could have been misconstrued.

Man Rule #5 - No Man Is Allowed to Cry in Public – Real men do not cry in public. There are specific instances when a man is allowed to tear up regardless of his location, like the death of a loved one, the death of family pet (a dog, not a cat), after he have broken a few of his bones (preferably when the bone breaks the skin), and when he has been kicked in the balls. But, no man is ever allowed to boo-hoo in public.