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Turn Your Booty Call into a Boyfriend

1 Mar

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“Friends with benefits” sounds like the perfect relationship. In theory, you get all the great sex of a relationship without any of the emotional baggage or responsibility of it. But, inevitably one person starts to have real emotions for the other, and usually the woman sprouts feelings first. But, there is hope. Through great planning and lots of deceit, any woman can turn the sex toy of her dreams into a full-fledged boyfriend.


Step 1: Be Aloof and Inconsistent

The first mistake that most women make when trying to attract a man is making themselves readily available too often. Part of the the allure of dating a woman is the pursuit of that woman. Ladies that are always available seem desperate and even needy. So, as half of a platonic, sexual relationship and in order to stoke his desire for you, you need to deny him a little pleasure occasionally. Do not call him every Friday night because you want some company. He will begin to expect sex from you, and undervalue you as sex partner and as a person.  Ignore his phone calls two out of every three times he tries to contact you and stay home and paint your toenails. He will begin to wonder what you are doing without him, and it may create some jealousy. If he thinks that he has some competition for your bedroom talents, he may offer to spend time with you outside of the bedroom.


Step 2: Blow His Mind

This is the most important step of the process, so pay close attention. When you do sleep with him, you have to implode his sexual world. There is a reason that so many men have children with crazy women. It is because crazy women have crazy sex with their men. And, crazy sex is the best sex. It is the only reason that these women are tolerated. People think that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the path to love is right below the waist. Men make insanely poor decisions when great sex is involved. Sex is the way that you can hook any man, so think of the dirtiest thing that you have ever done in the bed and go at least one full level of filth above it. Do not ask him if he wants to do it. Trust me, he does. And be sure to tell him that he brings that type of passion and kinkiness out of you. He is just dumb and self-centered enough to believe you.

Step 3:Cook and Clean

When you are with him, cook him your best meal and clean up around his home. You should not do any serious cooking or cleaning, but do enough for him to notice your skill. Every man wants a woman that takes care of her home, and women of the new millennium can not cook and do not clean well. This also makes him semi-dependent on you, because a lot of men can not cook and clean. You should do just enough domestic work for him to get used to you taking care of him on a small scale. If he sees you in the roles of sex partner and nurturer, you will become invaluable to him.


Step 4: Talk About Roger

After you have given him a night to remember and cooked for him, reject his next request and tell him that you have a date with “Roger”. Mention that you like him, but you are not the type of girl that sleeps is willing to sleep with him and another guy. This new guy, “Roger” is handsome and wants to take you across town to all the best places that the city has to offer. Sigh, and say that you do not need everything, but it is nice for a girl to feel appreciated. When he tells you that he wants to take you out, feign confusion at what he really wants and tell him that you had not considered him as possible suitor even though you both have great sex together. Tell him you will think about it and call him later. And, understand that there is a chance that your booty call may respectfully distance himself from you after Roger appears. But, the alternative to this is a one-sided affair with a guy who only uses you for sex. If you have followed each step carefully, then you should be able to turn your booty call into a boyfriend.

The most common mistake that most women make when trying to catch and reform a bad boy is actually trying to reform him. Any effort to change a man will fall miserably short. Single men do not want to be reformed; they want to sleep with as many attractive women as possible with as little commitment as needed. The secret is to convince them that they want to change without actually saying it out loud.

The 5 Things You Are Guaranteed to Go Through When Your Girl Gets Pregnant

28 Feb

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By MJ5

Becoming a father is the best experience a man will ever encounter in his life. You may remember the first time you made money legally or the first time you went to a strip club, but you will NEVER forget the day your first child was born.

As joyous an occasion as it will eventually TURN OUT to be, for some men it can have a very shaky start! For every 1 White guy out there who is planning to have a kid and taking all the necessary steps to ensure that his wife DOES get pregnant, there are 43 minority men out there who knocked up someone they KNOW they won’t ever be in a long term relationship with!


You have just gotten blessed with a baby mama for LIFE! So technically, she is about to be the longest relationship most men have had up to that point, whether you want her or not. But those first few weeks of getting your ”GIRL” knocked up are going to be some of the most stressful moments you have ever encountered in your entire life. Unfortunately, there is no book for men called “What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting” so I am going to tell you the top 5 things you are guaranteed to go through when you find out you’re about to be a dad!


1. Mistruths


One of the first ways most men find out there about to be a father is through the ‘period warning’. If you are consistently sexually active with a certain woman, you are more familiar when that time of the month is due than she is. A man’s responsibility is to know when his girl’s period is due, how long it lasts, what days are the bad ones to steer clear of, and what days you can and can’t have sex with her on (if that’s your thing).


You have become a PERIOD EXPERT!


Once you are sexually active with one woman long enough, you even know what things she does during the month that can have negative and positive effects on her during her cycle. I used to be really good at stopping my ex from eating chocolate one week before her cycle was due because it made her cramping worse.


Men don’t ever want to be considered PERIOD EXPERTS, but if you spend enough time banging the same girl there are just some things you have to pick up on. And the MAIN reason we become Period Experts is because we want to know the exact day she is starting to become late. And if you are a father right now, I bet you remember the time you knew your girl was late.


The mistruth is that she knew almost a week or two before you even thought to think that she was late. She knew her body was acting different! She knew she was sleeping more! She knew there was a problem WAY before you ever started counting days!! She didn’t mean to lead you in the wrong direction and let you hold out hope that she wasn’t pregnant. She needed this extra time of knowing before you did so she could start figuring out what she is going to do without your damn input. She needed a head start on your crap. Remember, this is one of the last times she gets to think about being pregnant without you knowing! This is valuable time to her and she will maximize it.


I know most men are thinking that their baby mamas may have just not known the warning signs and she wouldn’t withhold information from you. I challenge you to ask any father, and they will tell you that their baby mama has slipped up and said she knew almost right after conception. Women know their bodies and they will keep you at bay for as long as possible so they can get themselves together!!


2. Ambush

1. Noun

A surprise attack by people lying in wait in a concealed position.
2. Verb

Make a surprise attack on (someone) from a concealed position.

noun. ambuscade – wait – trap – snare


verb. waylay – ambuscade

Regardless of what ANY woman tells you, before she has the ‘talk’ with you she doesn’t THINK she is pregnant, she KNOWS!


The key here is to expect the ambush so that you don’t get ambushed and you know when you’re getting set up. Women are getting smart now and telling future baby daddies about their upcoming bundles of child support in public places. It’s a strategically sound plan because the man can’t cuss, can’t yell, and can’t do much but sit there in shock and silence. This gives her every opportunity to read your facial expressions so she can know her next move.


Men, these first moments after she tells you are the most crucial!!! You need to have the best poker face of your life, because any sign of disappointment or anger in your face will do you NO good! If you want the kid, then you need to smile and be supportive. If you know that you’re going to try and persuade her to get an A(bortion), now is the time to show the most disappointed face that you have ever had. Just know that once you decide to play the A game, you can NEVER go back! When she decides to keep it and you think the world of your child at their high school graduation, you will be regularly reminded of you not wanting the kid!!


3. Denial


This is the most normal thought process every man will have once they find out they’re about to have a kid with a woman that they don’t want. It’s perfectly normal to want the kid but not want it with HER!


Denial is a strong reaction and is the second longest stage of the five. You know the men who are in denial – they are on Maury saying they can’t be the father due to some nonsense like the kid is left-handed or has a big nose! Even though this is the most natural reaction, you have to overcome it.


One of the biggest instances of denial is making her take a home pregnancy test! Please don’t waste your money! Let’s face it, pregnancy tests are VERY expensive and you really don’t need the buy-one-get-two-free to tell you what she already knows! Another reason not to spend money on pregnancy tests is because your future baby mama has already taken 14 of them! She has already wasted HER money!! No need to waste your cash too! When a woman approaches a man to tell him that she MAY be pregnant, trust me, it’s because she already KNOWS and has taken multiple tests prior to your ‘talk’. Single women who are sexually active in 2012 already have purchased home pregnancy tests and most likely stockpile them in her bathroom!


4. Lies


I know you’re wondering what the difference between the earlier stage of mistruths and this one is going to be. The difference is simple – when she was telling you mistruths she didn’t have the knowledge. Now she knows something and is intentionally lying to you!


One of the biggest lies she is going to tell you is in the form of a question that makes your believe you might actually have an input! “What do you think we should do?” Future baby mama doesn’t care what YOU think at all, so when she asks you this question this is the beginning of the lies!


I have known many men who thought they had their woman convinced to go the A route and the woman knew FULL WELL what she was going to do! Some baby mamas are so horrible at lying that she took your money, set up the A appointment, and even went to the doctor’s office knowing she wasn’t going to go through with it.


Another lie you may hear just to see how you are going to react is “you won’t have to help me if you don’t want to”. Men, this is a LIE! As a betting man, I am taking the under on the women that have said this and actually followed through with it. There aren’t many women who are willing to raise a child without filing child support on the father! It’s not her mistake, and it’s not your mistake. It was a mutual accident and you’re going to have to pay for it as she makes the final decision. You have just let your future baby mama make a financial decision about your money whether you’re with her or not! Get ready, there will be a deduction of 20-25% of your take home pay in about 8.5 months after she tells you this lie!


If you are not committed to this woman, the next lie you may hear is her swearing that ‘Future Child Support Jr.’ is surely yours. Never trust this lie! If you’re not committed to her, there is nothing stopping her from not being committed to you! It could be her ex that she was never over. It could be her coworker that she told you keeps flirting with her but she cant stand him! Paternity testing is free in all states that enforce child support so I suggest taking full advantage of this once Junior is born. The best line I have used in this situation is “I trust you, but I don’t trust women!” It worked for me, it may work for you. What happens if she made one mistake that she didn’t think to tell you because they used a condom. The point here is that if you pay child support for 16 years and find out the child is not yours, you will NOT be reimbursed any money you have paid. Better be safe than sorry from the beginning!


“You can sign over your parental rights”. This is another bold face lie! Legally, most states assign fatherhood to a child unless the mother doesn’t reveal the information. Why would any woman go at being a parent alone when she can get paid and get relief from you? If she didn’t want you to be a part of Junior’s life, she wouldn’t have ever told you she was pregnant in the first place!! She would be in Canada raising a child you never knew you fathered! Don’t fall for it, it’s a test wrapped up in a lie!


5. Acceptance


Once you have gone through all these emotions and you have been lied to, its about high time you accept that you’re a new father. Most states don’t charge child support until the child is born so take 20% of your check for the months leading up to the birth to save or go to strip clubs! Do whatever the hell you want to do!! Just remember that these are the last few months that you get to spend this 20% how you choose before the state TAKES it! This will be the last time in a long time that you choose how to spend this portion of your check, so choose wisely!!


Accept that you are going to be a father and do the best you can! There is no point in pouting and fighting science (paternity tests are 99.999% accurate, you’re most likely NOT the .0001% – your luck isn’t that great).


If you’re having a boy, spend time with him and make him the best man you know how to be.  Play catch, take him out to sporting events, and do all that man stuff. He needs to learn how to stand up and pee and the mother can’t help him with that! You might as well teach your own son how to be a man.


If you’re having a girl, every man knows his sole two responsibilities – keep her off the pole (meat pole or metal) and try to raise her better than her mother was raised by her dad! Let’s face it, you do not want your daughter growing up to be like her mom in a lot of ways. You do not want your daughter growing up to do the things you did with her mom that you recorded on your phone. You want to raise a self-respecting, independent woman who doesn’t have sex till around 35!


Best Sports Fan Signs

27 Feb

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Sporting events bring a myriad people from all walks of life together to cheer on their team. And, when you bring lots of different people together for big events hilarity usually ensues.


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LeBron haters unite.

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Bad calls, Good signage

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This Dayton guy is not a fan of Stanford.

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Jimmy Fallon must not like Horned Frogs.

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Everybody loves a good Lord of the Rings reference.

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Sorry Brett…

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And, for the West Virginia rivals…

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The perfect sign.

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When you can bully a 6’6″, 300 lb. guy

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A man with his priorities in order

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Maybe baseball fans all have the right priorities

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Well played sir.

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A classic penis joke.

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And, a little BJ humor.

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A little more.

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Size matters.

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Zero Ducks Given

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A little Kardashian for good measure.

Questions A Woman Should Never Answer

26 Feb

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Men often ask questions that have answers that are not equipped to deal with. So, as loving and nurturing women, you sometimes have to protect them from themselves. These questions should never be answered …. at least not directly.

How many people have you slept with?

  • There is no perfect answer to this question. And, unless the answer is zero, there is no direct answer that is acceptable. Virgins are the only women that should disclose fully about their  sexual past. If you have only slept with one person then your new guy will compare himself to your ex constantly and wonder if you are competent sexually. If you have more sex partners than him or more than he would want you to have ideally, then he will think less of you.
  • The correct answer is: “I am very particular about who I have sex with, and I have not slept with a lot of guys. But I have dated enough to know what a great person you are.” With this statement you have effectively squashed his reservations about your sexual history and stroked his ego at the same time. Most guys are too self-involved to realize that you have not answered their question and will accept this type of answer.

Why did you break up with your ex?

  • Questions about exes breed jealousy and contempt in new relationships. Most women erroneously assume that this question was just an innocent inquiry about why their former relationships did not work and indulge their new beau with stories of good times with their former lover or horror stories about demeaning, selfish ex-boyfriends. This is actually a question that men will unintentionally use to make judgments about you. Women that speak well of their ex-lover appear to still be in love with their ex. Women that belittle their exes seem jilted, petty, and still appear to be in love with their exes. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Do not talk about your ex.
  • The correct answer is: “In general, I have dated pretty nice guys. We broke up because he and I were not right for each other.” Words like ‘he’ and ‘I’ show that you have moved on from the relationship. Nothing has to be wrong with you or your ex for the relationship to fail. Saying that an ex is crazy leads a guy to think that something is wrong with you. Crazy people attract other crazy people. Take that in.

What did you and your ex do in bed together?

  • Only jealous men make inquiries like this. Leave this guy alone. The next question will be, “Is he bigger than me?’ or ‘Why didn’t you do that with me?’ Anyone that asks questions that are so intimate and uncomfortable is masochistic and immature.
  • The correct answer is: Nothing. Leave him because he is insane. If you care enough to stay, then say, “I did not do anything adventurous with him, and what I did in another relationship is in the past. I’m focusing on you and all the things that we can do together, so get the whipped cream.” Men do not want to know all the dirty things that you did with another man. With any details, he will conjure up the most vile sex acts that anyone could imagine and despise you for it. Do not disclose anything and change the subject casually. Here’s a tip, men are easily distracted by sex.

Can we just be friends? (When just meeting him)

  • There is no such thing as a man that wants to be your friend. The platonic male friend does not exist, except in very specific circumstances. The only situations in which a man can be friends with a woman are, she is not attractive, he is not attracted to her, his penis does not work, or he does not have a penis. And, any man equipped with a functional penis can and will sleep with almost any woman under the right conditions.
  • The correct answer: “I have a boyfriend, and I am not comfortable having any new male friends while I’m with him. I am not the type of woman that has a back-up plan in a relationship.” Either he will respect what you are saying and leave you alone, or he will be angry and show himself to be a douche. Either way, you will be rid of him.

Can we just be friends? (Breaking-up)

  • When you truly love someone romantically, there is no chance of a real friendship immediately after a break-up. If he tells you that he wants to be friends after he breaks up with you, then he has already moved on, and you should too. If he is saying that he wants to be friends with you after you broke up with him, then he is trying to hold on to the relationship. Keeping in close contact with an ex that you love hinders you from detaching from the relationship and connecting with other people. You may date other people, but honestly your heart will still be in the old affair.
  • The correct answer: “I am sorry, but we can not be friends right now. There is no way that I could talk to you everyday and get over you. We should try not to communicate after this.” This is the best decision for both of you. If you wanted out of the relationship, then he will not be strung along. And if he wanted out, then you do not have to waste time and emotion on him.