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How to Be A Pimp

10 Sep


You may be thinking, “Why should I become a pimp?” If you asked this question, then pimping is not for you. It takes a certain mindset to be a pimp, and you do not have it. Pimping is all about the hustle. “Can I use my words to convince this woman to sell herself and make money for me?”, is the only thing that should have crossed your mind. Pimping is a lucrative business for those who have no soul. One prostitute can make $100 dollars an hour on a good day. But on average, a hooker can make about $50 an hour. Any good pimp is going to have her working ten hour days, so that is $500 dollars a day. Multiply that times 6 days a week and then times the average of 4-5 hos per stable, and you are looking at about $12,000-$15,000 a week tax free. That is a pretty nice sum for a guy that just has to sit back and watch the money come in. So, here is how to get started.

1. Buy Some Nice Clothes - You have to look good to attract women, but you have to be better than everyone else to attract the specific type  of woman who will let you be her pimp. Only buy designer brands and always look clean and pressed. You have an image to uphold if you want to persuade the fairer sex to bring you money. You should always look good, smell good, and speak smoothly to the ladies. Women have to notice you the moment that you walk in the room if you are going to be successful. Your appearance is everything. You have to look more enticing than the other aspiring pimps to get your foot in the door, so always look your best.


2. Step your Word Game Up - A pimp without a silver tongue is just pretending. You have to have a quick tongue and a lot of persuasion to get a woman to trust you enough to sell her body. You have to have a counter for everything. “Will I be safe?” ‘Yeah, baby I’ll be right there with you.’ “What if?” ‘Nothing is going to happen if you’re with me.’ A pimp has to be reassuring. He has to instill an ‘us against the world’ attitude and he has to sell dreams. You have to convince this woman that you and your stable are going to take over the world, one blowjob at a time. Confidence is key. You have to believe your own bullshit.


3. Find Some Ho’s - Your best bet for finding a future prostitute is to find someone that has nothing to lose. It sounds sad, but the game of pimping takes no prisoners. And, if you will not scour the streets to find a few chicks who are down on their luck, then someone else will. Think about it, how many doctors or lawyers without severe head injuries are going to give all their money and prestige away to stand on corners for ten hours days waiting for a john to pick them up. You have to look in a different place to catch the right woman. The first place to find a good candidate for prostitution is the already employed sex workers. Go to strip clubs, and you will find a few strippers that are already turning tricks in the club. Give them the best ten minutes of bullshit that you have ever spun and let the magic happen.


4. Turn Them Out - You are going to have to teach your hos how to work. They have to understand how to turn a man on, and that comes through you. Your sex game has to be immaculate. No woman is going to work on the corners in the blistering heat of summer and the freezing cold for a man that does not know what he is selling. Once you have a bottom chick to take care of the rest of your new recruits, you can have her turn out* the rest of the girls.


5. Rule with an Iron Backhand - Every know and then, you may have to slap a ho. It is part of the game. Rent Pimps Up Hoes Down at your local video store and see where the pimp nation stands on hitting a chick. Nobody likes it, but it is a necessary evil if you want to make money in this game. One of your hookers inevitably is going to keep some of your money or get a little too smart-mouthed, and you are going to have to put her in line. The only surefire aid for “line-recognization” is the back of your hand.


6. Be Equal Opportunity - It is a new day and age, and people are looking for different things in their prostitution desires. If you find a guy who can make you some cash on the corners, then put him in your stable too. At the end of the day, how much money he make is the only thing that matters as a pimp.


7. Be Creative - Pimps come in all walks of life, so be creative in how you pimp. Kevin Provencher was an award-winning sportswriter in New Hampshire until he took pay cuts at his job. He decided to be a pimp to make ends meet. He used Craigslist to find prostitutes and arrange for them to meet with tricks. He took half of the earnings and the cost of the room.  And, that leads me into my final thought.


8. Do Not Leave a Paper Trail - Sooner or later, a pimp is going to get caught up with the law. Never leave a paper trail behind because it could land you in jail. Pay for everything in cash, and lose the receipts on everything except big purchases. Remember that you have to file a report on any amount of cash over 10K received or spent, so do not buy that flashy car if you do not a taxable income that can explain it.


*Turning a woman out means overwhelming her with sexual acts so that she is compliant with any sexual requests.

P.S. This is just a beginners guide to pimping, but now you should know if you have what it takes to be a pimp.



How to Be a Player

9 Sep


Talking to multiple women is not as hard as you think. Being a player is not outside of your reach. Any guy can do well with the ladies with a little direction and a little more confidence. If you want to get started on the road to success with the fairer sex, here is the beginner’s guide to being a player.


1. Do not use a cell phone or email – If you do not have a cell phone, then do not under any circumstances but one. Having a mobile device makes you accessible at any moment. This accessibility is detrimental to any extra-curricular activities that you may want to participate in with other women. You have no control over what message or picture that your lover sends you or when that message is sent. A nude picture or sexy text message is difficult to explain at 2 a.m. after being discovered by your other woman. If you already have a cell phone(because most of the free world has one), then keep it turned off whenever you are on a date or in the presence of someone that you want to date. Do not email intimate disclosures to anyone with whom you are involved or do anything that leaves a trail. As the saying goes, “Say it, forget it. Write it regret it.”

2. Tell the truth – Contrary to popular belief, lying to a woman about your assets does not help you get more women. Lying to women is in fact the only way to assure that you do not attract anyone. If you still live with your parents, then a lady will figure that out on her own. If you are dating other women, tell them that too. Tell them the truth. You are actively dating because you have not found the right one yet. Once you find her, you will settle down (But you’ll never find the right one will you, you cad?).

3. Be the best you – If you try to be the smooth-talking, flashy debonair guy that all the ladies flock to, but you are naturally socially awkward, then you appear fake and ultimately will fail in attracting all the hot girls. You just have to show them the best version of you. If you are into the punk scene, get a mohawk, wear black, and be angry. If you are into hip-hop or from the hood, then get some baggy pants, buy a platinum chain, and start posturing and posing. Being yourself exudes sincerity and authenticity, which is attractive. It also allows you the self-confidence to charm the pants off a sexy, young lady that is into the same scene as you.

4. Smile – Smile throughout your conversation with any woman with whom you are interested. Smile when you introduce yourself. Smile when she smiles. Smile when she talks. You have to be warm and accommodating when getting to know a woman. By smiling, you are letting her know that you are a fun guy that does not let life get to him. This builds an initial rapport with her that sets the foundation for your future relationship.

5. Listen – Listen to what she is saying and coax her into divulging about herself to you. Do not talk about yourself too much. She will have plenty of time to learn about you. Be affable and even tease her a little. The best players at teasing women are slightly insulting without being abrasive. You get them to laugh at themselves which can endear you to them.

6. Say her name – Repeating a woman’s name appropriately, gives the two of you an atmosphere of familiarity that will serve you well. The more comfortable with you that she feels, the more likely that she will date you.

7. Be assertive – Use the language of a confident man. Instead of saying “Why don’t you give me your number. Maybe we can talk later?”, say “You seem really cool. Let’s talk again later, where can I reach you?” The differences are subtle, but significant. Using assertive language reassures the lady that you are pursuing that you are decisive.

8. Be rich – Money always helps the situation.

Fantasy Football Is Stupid

5 Sep

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To the casual observer of professional sports, fantasy football is a welcome activity that makes watching professional football more palatable. In the average National Football League game, there are a lot of commercial breaks, the play starts and stops continuously, and to someone that does not comprehend the game, it can be dry in between the big plays. For someone that does not understand football, fantasy football is great. For the real NFL fans though, fantasy football is awful. Fantasy football complicates a great sport by adding meaningless statistics. It makes fans of people who generally would not watch the game, and forces money-hungry NFL executives to change the game of football to make it more appealing to a wider audience. Fantasy football sucks.

The first reason that fantasy football is a horrible game is because being a fan of football gives you no real benefit in your fantasy league. People that really love football understand the complexities of the game. They know that any offense only works if all eleven men are on the same page. If the wide receiver cannot get open or runs the wrong route, then the play is wasted. If the quarterback is late on a throw or does not have the arm strength to get the pass to his wide out, then the offense stalls. When the offensive linemen do not protect the quarterback or make running lanes for the running back then the team suffers as a whole. Theoretically, knowing these things, having a better understanding of offensive strategy, and possessing more general knowledge of the game of football should help a football fan that plays fantasy football to perform better in their league. However, there is no differentiation between the scores of guys that watch football regularly and the people that watch games only to see the player that is on their fantasy team. Now, there are fantasy websites (not Dungeons and Dragons or lingerie sites, football you pervert), fantasy books, and television shows about fantasy football. Therefore, people that do not regularly watch football are just as likely or more likely to succeed at picking a fantasy team because they are also more likely to research their players thoroughly. That’s right, the guy that played college football and watches football all day will inevitably lose a game to the guy that eats chips all day next to his computer. And, any game that gives no advantage to the more knowledgeable player is worthless.

This guy is going to beat you.

Fantasy football also gets people into completely pointless conversations about their fantasy teams. Here’s a little tidbit that you might not know about fantasy football. Be informed. The only person that wants to hear about your fantasy team is you. No one cares about your team. They only care about their own. No one is impressed by your wherewithal in benching your starting running back for some nameless guy from a small college. They care about their mid-season trade in their fantasy league. The people that play fantasy football could not possibly care less about your team. The people that watch football, but have never played fantasy football are annoyed that they have to talk to you about some loser from a crappy team. The people that do not play fantasy football or watch the games on television have no clue what you are talking about. And, everybody in the office, at your house, or in your life is completely exasperated with football talk about your fantasy players. By talking about your fantasy football team, you have effectively alienated yourself from the rest of the world. Good job, loser.

In addition to fantasy football alienating you from society by making you a rambling pariah, it also insures that you spend every waking hour of your life from September to January checking your roster to see who you can replace. Fantasy football owners spend countless hours trying to find the best lineup for each Sunday. That entails checking the waiver wire for hidden gems, switching players in and out of their starting lineup, and making horrible trade offers in hopes that some idiot will accept them. The average fantasy team owner spends between 20 minutes and two hours everyday on their fantasy team. By the end of football season the average fantasy player has spent from 60 to 180 hours engulfed in an inconsequential competition.

The worst thing about fantasy football is that it can corrupt even the most steadfast fan of football. Having a fantasy football team forces you to watch meaningless games, and ultimately sucks the enjoyment out of watching football. The heart of football is in the strategy. Coaches move their players in a close chess match trying to isolate their best players and hide their weakest players. There is real art and beauty in watching a well-coached offense execute their plays. The offensive line shuffles in unison flowing into the defenders and then ushering them away from the quarterback. The quarterback feels the pocket that is made by the offensive line and shifts subtly to avoid the pass rush. Then, he sets his feet and fires the football to his target. The wide receiver has just faked the opposing corner into running in the wrong direction and is now open to catch the well-placed ball that the quarterback has thrown and races down the field for twenty yards. All this takes place in 6 seconds or less. Fantasy football shrinks that entire play down into, ‘Did my guy catch the ball? Great! Two more points.’ And, in order to know how many points that your players have accumulated, you have to watch them play. The best fantasy football players do not only have players from good teams. The best fantasy guys draft players from good, mediocre, and terrible teams which means that the real football fans that engage in fantasy football have to watch quite a few bad games. Bad games wear on fans, and focusing on one player in those games hides the limited successes of the teams. Football is about the big play. Fantasy football is about the points, and that undermines the beauty of the real game.

Fantasy football is a waste of time and brain activity. Knowledge of the game of football does not offer any advantage in it, it causes awkward, fruitless conversations, sucks up all your time, and it eventually will cause you to hate football. Now, let me go change my roster and check the waiver wire.

Hottest Daughters of Rock Stars

4 Sep

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Erin Lucas – daughter of Cliff Williams – AC/DC

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Georgia May Jagger – daughter of Mick Jagger – Rolling Stones

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Liv Tyler – daughter of Steven Tyler – Aerosmith

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Alexandra Richards – daughter of Keith Richards – Rolling Stones

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Amber Le Bon – daughter of Simon Le Bon – Duran Duran

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Lily Collins – daughter of Phil Collins – Genesis

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Zoe Kravitz – daughter of Lenny Kravitz

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Bijou Phillips – daughter of John Phillips – The Mamas & the Papas

Stuff Magazine & Jack Daniels Host Kentucky Derby Party

Lucy Walsh – daughter of Joe Walsh – Eagles

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Sophie Simmons – daughter of Gene Simmons – KISS

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Brooklyn Sudano – daughter of Donna Summer

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Jessie Money – daughter of Eddie Money

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Lauren Harris – daughter of Steve Harris – Iron Maiden

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Daisy Lowe – daughter of Gavin Rossdale – Bush

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Minka Kelly – daughter of Rick Dufay – Aerosmith

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