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Playbook for the Wing Man

9 Oct

wingman2

The wing man is the most important tool to any single man that hopes to be successful in approaching and engaging hot single females. Women have multiple, different tactics to foil the single man’s plans for the night, from the outright cock-block, to the more subtle ladies night. But, there is hope. With the proper execution of these plays by experienced wing men, single guys can easily pull the hottie away from her standard crowd of man-hating friends. In lue of the NBA playoffs and the long-gone March Madness, here is the official wingman playbook.

In each play of the wingman playbook, the x’s represent you and your wingman and the o’s represent the hot girl and her hateful, vindictive unattractive friends.

Situation: The hot girl is with her “rooster” blocking friend. You have watched this friend destroy several guys’ chances of having even a small conversation with the hottie by guarding her like a pit bull. She steps in front her hot friend when guys approach. She feigns boredom when a guy actually gets a word in to the hot chick. She will even pull her away from guys trying to chat up her friend.

The plan: Your wingman must engage the hateful friend even if it means flirting. This is called “taking one for the team” in layman’s terms. He has to set a pick for you to get to the sexy girl by any means necessary. Once the ugly friend is fully immersed in meaningless conversation, you get around the two of them and work your magic. But, work fast the ugly girl always gets free quickly.

Situation: You thought that a chick looked good from far across the room. It turned out that she looked far from good when you got a little closer. Now you are stuck in a conversation with a woman that is not attractive and is very boring.

The plan: You introduce her to your wingman, have him draw her attention towards himself and make your get away. Once she has a new target, you are free to talk to whomever you want.

Situation: You have walked into a ladies night and the lady with whom you want to converse is completely surrounded by her sour-faced friends (I’m sure you know a few people that always look like they’ve been sucking on a lemon). You know that you can not walk into the middle of a ladies night without being shooed away unsuccessfully with your tail between your legs as they laugh together at your futile attempt.

The plan: You will need a few wingmen to get open this time, but this scenario is similar to the pick and roll. This situation calls for a well-coordinated attack. If any one of her possibly desperate and often disparaging girlfriends is left roaming freely, they can and will hate on your plans to flirt with the cute one. You once again have to wait for the perfect opportunity to attack, but move quickly once you see your chance, because depending on how beautiful she is, there may guys waiting for the same chance as you are and they may use the diversion made by your wingmen if you doddle.

Situation: The ladies are out on the dance floor in a tight circle. They are dancing together and no man has been able to successfully pull any one of the girls away from their friends. This is partially because they have confusingly started dancing suggestively and seductively grinding on one another. This makes all the guys that are near the group of girls get rowdy which makes them less likely to split up.

The plan: You have to break the circle. You being able to woo the hottest girl of this clique is entirely dependent on your ability to penetrate this faux-lesbian dance party. You send the least threatening, best dancer directly into the middle of the girls. If he dances well enough, one of the girls will gravitate towards him. You send the tallest, attractive friend in next because he can hypothetically dance with and talk to any one of the girls in the circle. Once your target dancer is free, you make your move. Hint: this works a lot better if you are a decent dancer.

Situation: It is 1:45  a.m. and the bar/club/whatever establishment that you are in closes at 2. You have connected on a emotional level with a sexy, woman and you know that she is into you. Her friends are slowly matriculating towards her with stale faces and their hands on their hips. You only have seconds to sell a trip to your apartment for a few more drinks or maybe coffee and hopefully breakfast.

The plan: This is a classic delay offense. Any reason that her nosy friends give her to ditch you and go home with them will sound better than whatever you have to say or do with her. They will plead, pull, and even guilt her into leaving you at the place. Your wingmen have a duty to keep her friends spread out, away from you, and occupied. Tell them to talk about the weather. Make them tell the girls how beautiful they are, despite the fact that some of them look and sound like the love child of Bea Arthur and Mr. T. Tell them to wrestle the hating girlfriends to the ground like a rabid wildebeest if they have to, but do not let them talk to your lady. If they do their job well, you just may get that breakfast with a hot lady.

Study this playbook carefully, so that you can fulfill your duties as a wingman. Because, every man has needed a good wingman at some point in his life and you might need one soon.


Things That I Learned at the Movies

8 Oct

movies

the matrix - cypher02

1. “Ignorance is bliss.” The Matrix - Joe Pantoliano (Cypher)

In The Matrix, Cypher and multiple other crew members of his ship, were awakened from an induced state of sleep to find out that the world that they were living in was a lie, and that the real world was a much more unpleasant and dangerous place. He longs for the time when he didn’t know the truth. Sometimes the truth is infinitely more painful, than living in a fantasy. Ignorance is bliss.

 

2. “Sometimes when you win, you really lose. Sometimes when you lose, you really win. Sometimes when you win, you really tie. And, sometimes when you tie, you really win or lose.” White Men Can’t Jump – Rosie Perez (Gloria Clemente)

Gloria was trying to get her boyfriend to see that every action that you take affects someone or something else. Some results are obvious and intended, but occasionally they have negative, unintended affects too. Her boyfriend had lost substantial amounts of money playing basketball, despite being great at it. He finally came through on his promise to win money in the game, but found her gone when he came home. He won the game, but lost his girl. You can yell at your boss in staff meetings, sleep with his wife on his desk, and pee on the carpet in his office, but you probably will not keep your job. So, unless you are waiting on a hefty inheritance, you should thoroughly think through the repercussions of your behavior before you do anything. Sometimes, your first instinct is not the best one.

which brings me to my next point…

3. “Always listen to the woman.” White Men Can’t Jump – Wesley Snipes (Sidney Deane)

Gloria told her boyfriend countless times that she wanted him to listen to her. She was patient and careful with his many missteps, but he did not understand what she said until it was too late. In general, men and women think and behave differently. Men behave more impulsively and are much less likely to plan an action. Women are more intuitive and have great insight into situations. They are more likely to have a plan before they do anything. Because of this, men should always listen to the woman.

4. “Here’s the deal, I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.” Talledhega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby – Will Ferrell (Ricky Bobby)

If you don’t believe in yourself, no one will. Plain and simple. Everyday that you are here, you should be ready to take on the world because you believe in you.

crouching tiger, hidden dragon

5. “Sharpness is a state of mind.” Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon – Chow Yun-Fat (Li Mu Bai)

Any battle that you fight, whether physical or mental, starts with you. You have to be mentally prepared for the obstacles that will stand in your way, instead of counting on outside sources to help you succeed. Li Mu Bai was teaching his young, martial arts pupil that her weapon should be an extension of her own voracity in combat, not the source of it. Similarly, any success that you have will come from your attention to detail and persistence towards a goal and not from anywhere else.

the matrix - morpheus

6. “You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.” The Matrix – Lawrence Fishburne (Morpheus)

The only thing that can stop you from accomplishing everything that you have dreamed of, is you. Once you believe that something is possible, it becomes possible. Fear stunts our ability to succeed in our professional and personal lives.

the matrix - oracle

7. “We can never see past the choices we don’t understand.” The Matrix – Gloria Foster (the Oracle)

This statement ties into following your most base instincts and into metacognition. The Oracle is telling Neo, that his decision has already been made, but that he will not know how to proceed until he understands why his decision was made. In essence, she was saying to trust your intuition, but to understand why your choice was made before you act on it.

fight club03

8. “This is your life, and it’s ending one minute at a time.” Fight Club – Edward Norton (nameless narrator)

Life is short. Wasting your time in a fruitless job, talking to people that you abhor, and waiting for some miracle to happen is foolish.

9. Never watch a chick flick with your girlfriend.

This isn’t a quote, but it is the truth. If you enjoy the movie more than she does, you will never live it down. She will ostracize you publicly and emasculate you whenever possible. And she should. On a completely unrelated subject, see The Notebook. It’s awesome!*

braveheart

10. “Every man dies, not every man truly lives.” Braveheart – Mel Gibson (William Wallace)

Do the things that will make you happy. Try to vacation, raise a family, party away a decade. You are only here for a little while, make good use of your time.

batman - alfred

11. “Because some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” The Dark Knight – Michael Caine (Alfred Pennyworth)

You need to know who you’re dealing with at all times. There are people that are not happy unless they see you suffer. There are people that only in function well in chaos. Recognize them quickly and keep them at the appropriate distance. They show up in all facets of your life, like work and in romantic relationships. Always seek to understand who you are talking to first, because a person’s desire fuels their actions.

scarface

12. In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. Scarface – Al Pacino (Tony Montana)

Get your priorities in order. Before you start chasing the opposite sex, find a way to make some money and make a name for yourself. If you work hard to be the best at what you do, you will succeed. Once you are paid and respected, the women will come.

 

*The awesomeness of this movie is completely dependent on your own personal awesomeness and not on the personal preferences of the author.
*
*Bonus quote – You can put a cat in the oven, but that don’t make it a biscuit. White Men Can’t Jump – Wesley Snipes (Sidney Deane)
What you get out of a situation depends on what was put in it.

You Are Not A Thug If…

4 Oct

suburban thug

1. … if you are from a suburb or a gated community – There is no such thing as a suburban thug. Thugs are born in the heart of the city with problems that suburbanites could not even imagine. They are not separated from the community in gated communities. They rob gated communities. Thugs do not have lake houses or spend Sundays with their fathers on golf courses. These places represent a lifestyle that is too reformed and repressed for a thug. If you live on the outskirts of the city in a home big enough to house your entire family, then you are not a thug. The suburban thug does not exist.

2. …if you grew up in at the least middle class or higher – Thugs are born out of hardship. If you have never read by candlelight because your lights (electricity) were turned off, you’ve never had to wash yourself in a small tub after the water bill went unpaid, or you’ve never eaten a mayonnaise sandwich because there was no meat in the house, then you are not a thug.

3. …if you have an inheritance – No one provides for a thug. He does not have responsible parents or a rich uncle to give him a house or a dowry. That’s why he is in the streets hustling to get whatever he can. Thugs do not inherit things, they steal them at gunpoint.

4. …if you grew up with both of your parents – Thugs do not live in households with both of their parents. They come from broken homes. Most don’t know their fathers. If they actually know their father, then one or both of their parents are on drugs and they are living with a relative. A real thug doesn’t ask his dad for advice, unless his dad taught him how to break into houses.

5. …if you have ever attended college – No one studies during the day and hot-wires cars at night. There is no Attempted Robbery 101 class in college. Just because you sold a little weed to your classmates does not automatically give you a thug pass. Do you remember what happened when you left your dorm room unlocked? The guys who ramsacked your room were closer to real thugs than you are. Just graduating from high school puts your “thuggery” in temporary default. Having a degree or a diploma makes you look very suspicious, because there is no such thing as an educated thug.

6. …if you have ever been employed for more than 6 months – Thugs don’t have desk jobs. Thugs can’t get desk jobs, they didn’t go to school. There are no gainfully employed 9-5 thugs.

7. …if you have never done anything remotely illegal – Citizens obey the law, thugs break it. If you have never beaten someone up for no reason, spray painted a court building, or stolen something that you don’t need, then you are not thugging.

8. …if people call you by your God-given, government name – Kip Wingknott III and Brett Matherton don’t rob people. Nook Nook and Peanut do.

9. …if you have never been shot, shot at someone, or even been in a fistfight – Thugs do not resolve their problems through talking. They solve their problems through intimidation and violence. If you have not fought anyone since the 8th grade when Melanie took your cookies, you are not a thug. Yes, she was almost as big as you, stronger, and more aggressive, but that does not count towards you being a thug. If you can’t find anyone to party with you, because you always get into a fight, then you ‘re on the right track.

10. …if you have never been to prison – Not county jail. “Guard your butt,” “don’t drop the soap,” “sleep on your back prison.” If you have never been arrested, except for public intoxication that one time in Las Vegas, then you are not a thug.

11. …if you have to say I’m a thug. I’m thugging, or I’m so hood – If you have to announce to the world exactly how “thuggish” you are, then you, by definition, are not a thug, thugging, or so hood.

12. …if you are a rapper – People that break the law regularly do not broadcast their “illegals” to the world while rhyming to music. 50 Cent, the world knows that you were shot 9 times now. That does not make you some dangerous drug dealer. That makes you a person that was at the wrong place at the wrong time or a liar. Lil’ Wayne, you shot yourself as a kid. That does not make you a hardened criminal. That makes you an overzealous, unsupervised kid or an idiot. There is reason that people rap about crime. It is because they do not commit actual crimes.

13. …if you are reading this – Thugs do not use computers. They take them from people and sell them to pawn shops or steal shipments of them and sell them on street corners. Thugs are not on Facebook or You Tube. They don’t Google someone’s address before they rob it. Thugs are in the streets committing crimes and making money while doing it.

I don’t make the rules. I just know them, recognize them, and live by them. If you are proclaiming yourself to be a thug, then stop immediately. There is no glory or praise in being a thug. You are either headed for prison or you’re an imbecile. I’m not a thug, and neither are you.


10 Ways to Know If He Is Cheating

3 Oct

cheating

Worst start to a marriage…ever.

Is your husband or boyfriend cheating on you? Before I give you the definitive list of ways to know if he’s cheating, allow me to clear up some misconceptions for a few celebrity spouses and wealthy housewives. If your husband is a professional actor, athlete, or successful business man that travels, he is probably not faithful.  I do not say this because I have cynicism about fidelity, but because I have realistic expectations of people. I wasn’t surprised that Tiger Woods had extra-marital relations or that Shaquille O’Neal had multiple affairs. They are two of the most recognizable figures in the world, so they have unlimited options for affairs. You should not be surprised that a multi-millionaire business man that is forced to travel without his family can be infidelitous. There is a direct correlation between your financial status and availability and your likelihood to have an affair. As your options grow so does the number of possibilities to cheat. But I digress…

If your man is a commoner like the rest of us, then here are a few tips to figure out if he is sneaking behind your back.

1. He changes his appearance suddenly – This sudden change indicates a larger, more impactful change in conscience. This is probably one of the 1st signs of infidelity. That new haircut that’s trendy and completely different from any hairstyle that he’s ever had, might have been suggested to him by another lady and not the barber. He normally dresses sloppily and in tatered clothes to work, but for the last week, he’s been in dry-cleaned suits? He has new shoes and a new wardrobe now. That car that you thought was a dusty brown is now bright red? He might be trying to impress some one new.

2. He’s distant and despondent – You used to communicate regularly about the casual happenings in your lives and the world around you. Now he never converses with you and is always in daydreaming. You try to get into his head and heart, but that leads to arguments. There is an emotional disconnect that occurred somehow. Your boyfriend may be emotionally intimate with someone else, which leads to physical intimacy and/or break-ups.

3. He’s always with his friends – Occasionally, this is true, but most of the time a guy is not with his friends. As a single man, I spent a lot of time with my buddies. But, a room full of single guys is loud and boisterous. If you call and can’t hear the television blaring and people yelling profanities with the occasional obscenity tossed in, then your significant other is not with the boys. He’s with someone whom you would not approve.

4. He’s working late – Different jobs necessitate various work hours and differing levels of availability. However, “I’m working late.” is a perfect alibi, because there is no feasible way to check the truth of the statement. As a spouse, you have some general idea of when your husband works and how long. If he has a big project that keeps him at work late for an extended period of time and he never brings any work home, he may be having an at-work romance.

5. You keep hearing rumors – Rumors are the proverbial two-edged sword. They could have been spread purposely to break you up by a jealous person. They could be entirely unfounded in truth and detrimental to your relationship. Or, they could be the result of a cheating lover.

6. You can never find him – He never answers his phone. Your call gets returned hours later when he’s on the way home. He does not return texts. He’s missing regularly for large blocks of time.

If you can never find your man, this may be what he’s doing.

7. You are accused of cheating - My dad used to say, “A liar thinks that everybody else lies too.” This is true for the cheater too. A person that has to consider every move that he makes to keep secrets, is carefully watching your moves too. He sees your actions through a filter of deceipt and will see every irregular behavior that you have as a sign of infidelity.

8. You are not having sex - Your lover used to kiss and hold you regularly, but now he seems disinterested. When you said that you noticed he wasn’t as frisky, he started again, but seemed disingenious. You went from a “twice a week” couple to not making love in nearly a month. If he’s not sleeping with you, then he has found another love interest. If you always have to initiate intimacy, then he is probably unfaithful.

9. He has a new “move” – If your love making instantly changes from pedestrian to explosive, or if he goes from a once a week guy to practically ripping off your clothes, then he might be cheating. He had to learn that new move somewhere, right? Here’s something depressing for the married folks out there. Technique with intimacy doesn’t usually change unprompted. So, if you didn’t teach him how to do that, his mistress probably did.

10. Use your intuition – Finally, use your intuition. If something is amiss or recently something is troubling you about your spouse, then you already have a clue that their is some deception. When you trust your intuition with these types of situations, you are rarely mistaken.